JOURNAL — TAPE #72, SIDE #1
Q: Mark Russell Bell
Q: Carol Ann Dreyer’s lecture began late. It was difficult for her to make her way into the room because of the complications and challenges presented by her accident. So Obadiah began by speaking a little bit about Valentine’s Day. He talked about Cupid and Eros as being equivalents in Latin and Greek, bringing living messages from heaven to Earth like Hermes. He equated these winged beings with angels. And, of course, I have my own equivalent (“OF”) — these. He said the more we express our love, a great purification takes place. And if you express love to someone or something with no expectation of anything in return, the greater the purification is. And out of this purification comes a transforming power. The more unselfish you are, the higher level this power/energy/consciousness is. So he again asked us to send our love to the people of Bosnia and to those in London where there was a recent terrorist bombing. And, as well, to the people of North Ireland; even to the people responsible for the bombing. He then introduced the speaker who worked with someone by the name of Michael Talbot, the author of such books as The Holographic Universe and Your Past Lives. Among Carol’s clients include, over the years, Tina Turner, Rosanna Arquette, Jack Lemmon, Madonna, Demi Moore, Bruce Willis. She was glad to see (“THAT”) Demi and Bruce were now making movies that expressed positive messages such as “12 Monkeys” and “The Seventh Sign” and “Ghost.” Soon after she began her lecture, she asked if anybody knew anything about their previous lives so, of course, I spoke up. (“N”) Talked about Bel-Marduk. And she indicated that it was quite common for people to look like the people they were in previous lives. And she, herself, had had a previous life in Egypt. In fact, in this life—she’s Italian—once when she was in Egypt they wouldn’t let her get on a boat because they thought she was an Egyptian. She thinks she crashed in a chariot race once in Egypt and hurt her leg and arm. And in another life she had her hands cut off for writing something they didn’t like. Maybe that was the same life. I asked her if she was writing about her previous incarnations because she is writing on a book. I went to the workshop afterwards so obviously I thought she would be very valuable for me because the more we know about our previous lives, the more we know about ourselves in this one. And we can try to avoid the mistakes we made in previous lives. Other people in the audience thought that they were the reincarnation of a Roman gladiator and one woman said she was the reincarnation of an English or French airplane pilot who died in the war. She also spoke at length of a woman who she told a paramour to commit suicide and return as her son even though the woman didn’t think she could have children at the time because of a problem with her uterus. And, sure enough, events followed where she did have a baby. I think it was a little girl and, herself, the child told the mother that she was, in fact, the reincarnation of this man and the woman was overwhelmed. Apparently, Tina Turner is the reincarnation of the only woman pharaoh and even was able to find the sarcophagus of this woman, the mummy who (“WITH THE”) — her hat — who was buried with long tresses and with her arms crossed during this (past) lifetime. She also talked about a friend who looks like Amelia Earhart and is convinced she is the reincarnation. Another person who had been stabbed or killed by someone in a previous life found himself dealing with the same person in this one when she was trying to get him out of his apartment yet didn’t succeed. So he was able to overcome this person in this life. “All of the secrets of your past are in your head,” Carol Ann said, “and it’s just a matter of (“SSS”) unlocking them.” She said, “Our past lives are continuously speaking to us.” And that: “You only feel. You don’t know them.” But it is possible to research past lives. She talked about one man she met who quit his job and she told him he was the reincarnation of an opera singer and he began an opera career. People said he was a natural born opera singer. The author that Carol Ann worked with was named Michael, of course, and he died at the age of thirty-seven. She said she spoke to him four years after his death. And she had told him in one of their sessions that he had the bones of his grandmother and she had died of leukemia and then he soon was diagnosed with leukemia. They said he had three weeks to live but he ended up living for nine more years and writing several more books to fulfill his mission in life. Her lecture was very interesting so I would recommend it like most of those that I attend at the PRS. She said that trends in this life include eating. For example, she can’t digest wheat and she was brought together with Michael when he’d written a book on Bog People. And she thought she had been one of them and that when she was killed, she’d been stuffed with grain and garroted and fell to the bottom of the lake. And (“DDD”) that’s why she doesn’t like wheat in this life. One of her birthmarks is like a sun on her leg, she said, because moles are the symbols of Isis. In looking over my notes, I see that Obadiah also said that a loving thought is recorded in our soul and the world’s soul. It is the stuff of which our soul is made.
( . . . )
Q: A lot of this is wishful thinking, of course.
( . . . )
Q: Carol Ann also said she thinks that she was a Buddhist monk in her past life and once she attended services and (“HAD”) someone had spoken (“TT”) Tibetan. And she had heard it all in English. Her husband has a birthmark that is like a spear wound that he received in a previous lifetime and once he even met someone who he had done battle with in a previous lifetime. “The soul is in charge of the incarnations,” she said. “We have the opportunity in each incarnation to overcome the previous failures and change what it was to what it’s supposed to be.” She did say that during the workshop (“THAT”) she thinks she was a seer in Egypt who was put to death for writing down secrets she wasn’t supposed to. There was no rain today as it has been forecast. It was a beautiful sunny day. The people there with the word ‘son’ in their names were Maurice Peterson whose name was originally John Erik and he talked about a kundilini experience where he felt like laughing and dancing and singing for several months. After her own accident, Carol Ann, while waiting for the ambulance, was able not to feel pain and affirm herself by repeating her name and who she was. So if you’re ever in an accident, this is what you should do to help you focus. She healed quickly. They said that she wouldn’t be able to walk again but she’s already able to move around on her own and hopes to someday be able to walk without canes. There was a woman there whose name was Savannah, a name given to her by a medicine man which was representative of the lion, her medicine animal symbol. So it’s like everywhere I go people have lion symbols so with all the people I’ve been meeting I was just waiting for someone to suggest Guinevere to me. And I definitely felt that Savannah and Guinevere are very close with the As and the Ns so I told — because she was looking for a better name — the right name for her — and I told her it was Guinevere. So tonight she said she was going to meditate on it. Maybe she’s the reincarnation of Guinevere. So Carol was in the Madison Building as I asked her during our discussion during the workshop. And the other person there with son in his name was named Michael Jeffery Hayson. There was a very interesting man there named Dr. Elliot Tattion, I believe, whose real first name had been Michael. And he was talking a lot about synchronicity. He said some very interesting things such as “All Christians are Jews by definition and all Jews ought to be Christian.” Apparently, he’s the reincarnation of an Egyptian god by the name of Tet who has four separate identities. Just as Bel-Marduk is also the god Ra, there are different names and identities for different gods but since we’re each a god there is no real difference except for the Great Creator and all other forms of Consciousness. It’s so funny (“THAT”) he was drawing lots of connections like I’m doing and even after I said the things I said — and I — he said that everything registered in his mind very quickly but, again, he doesn’t really know what he’s looking for. I mentioned the fact that — because he was talking about Manley Hall — so on the way out I pointed out to him that ‘Man’ was in Manley’s name so he should easily be able to draw the connections between ‘Son’ and ‘Man’ and who I am and, perhaps, if he’s as spiritually advanced as he would like to be or thinks he is, (“I”) I think that — he talked a lot about the varius meanings of his name (“BUT” “IT”) and the year 2000 and he’s recorder at judgment and his mother’s name had special meanings because it was Buchanan and his father’s name meant ‘dead.’ And he was going to have to make some kind of witness or judgment regarding warfare or peace. Anyway, I don’t think he knew that I was probably more important to his mission — he probably thought I was just one of — another person who just happened to be there. He didn’t realize that he probably had this opportunity to put together his puzzle by — well maybe he did. Maybe — not then but maybe when he got home he will put it together because he said he doesn’t — he’d digest everything very quickly. But it’s a little bit — but who would digest this? I mean this is pretty much. So, anyway, once he reads my book he’ll be able to draw all the necessary parallels and connections and then he can make his own judgement as Mighael will make His own judgment.
( . . . )
Q: I spoke to Obadiah’s wife Jeanne and helped her set up some of the chairs for the workshop. (“I DIDN’T”) I didn’t realize til I called her to help some spelling that she’s Obadiah’s wife. So I told her I thought it was great that her husband lets her work so closely with him in running the organization. And so Carol Ann Dreyer also did a brief reading on both of them. And it turned out that phonetically Jeanne’s name — her name here is Jeanne Sun Harris but phonetically her Chinese name is close to sun and quartz meaning the treasure of the country. It also came up — that restaurant that’s Louisa’s also came up during the workshop. And it used to be called the Brown Derby and before it was Louisa’s it became Michael’s for a short period of time. I though that that was rather interesting. Obadiah also talked about how his mother was already to call him something else but was inspired to call him Obadiah soon after giving birth and his name means ‘servant of God’ or ‘creator’ or ‘creation of God’ and Carol Ann thought that sounded better. The original Obadiah had a very (“SYMBOL”) simple mystical message that he’s famous for which is ‘you can only go so far following your own soul and when you’ve gone as far as you can, your soul will bring you back.’ The original Obadiah was the prime minister for King Ahab and I asked the question, which I feel is very true, is that: Could Obadiah be the reincarnation of the original Obadiah? And Carol Ann agreed that this is definitely possible. He also told us an ironic story, of course, with the sun in her name, which is a definite symbol of what she does at the PRS, that when they married he sung to her “You Light Up My Life,” the Debby Boone song. That is a beautiful, beautiful song.
( . . . )
Q: So, looking back at the events of the weekend, I tape recorded a lot more than I intended as always. I’m beginning to feel (“LIKE”) it’s hopeless. I’ll never be able to transcribe all this because I keep (“I”) recording more than I can transcribe. (phone rings) Ahh — my God, there’s the phone.
( . . . )
Q: That was James. I get so few phone calls from my friends these days. Well what friends? Anyway. I do live sort of a sequestered life but I am totally happy and thankful but it does hurt me when I hear things like what James told me at lunch today about how Fiona wishes for the old Mark to be back. It’s just I mean why on Earth won’t they accept me for what I am. I am no different. It’s just that I guess I’m saying things (“THAT”) can’t possibly be true — can’t possi(bly) — again, this all comes down to ego. Carol Ann did say it is important things. The ego is important. And it is important. But we have to remember (“THAT”) the ego — there’s — it’s very — oh God, I don’t even to know to describe it. For example, people’s ego won’t let them believe any of the things that I’m telling and writing about. It’s their ego. Think about it. It’s very healthy to have a loving ego — to love yourself and to love God. But when people are disrupted in their own lives in who they are and when no information about God is revealed to them, they don’t want to believe it because (“IT”) puts their ego further down on what they imagine the celestial totem pole to be. So rather than just accept truth (“AN”) — I, myself, usually when I read the truth I know it. That’s why when I read Letters From The Earth I was very, very impressed. But I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling this job is too much for anyone to do effectively. As much as I would love for there to be (“HH”) love and harmony in the world, I feel that people’s egos (“WON’T LET”) won’t let this happen. I’m trying to be loving and even I, myself, I find myself getting frustrated and impatient all the time because I feel I should always be here on time or there on time. Okay, looking back at a little ordeal in the restaurant where I got snippy with the staff, the point is I didn’t get snippy the first three times I had bad service. Actually, one time I think I had fair service. Whoops — I forgot to hang up my telephone. But (“NO”) it’s — they take a long time there. (“AND TH” “THA”) That’s what I find in general that restaurants like supermarkets are understaffed. So by being cheap in not having another waitress or another checker, they lose customers because people don’t go back to these places. So if people would follow that little voice that says provide good service, they would have better karma. Anyway, this is where I am right now. I would love my book to be published and for people to accept its message even though it terrifies me to think of the various possible problems and interpretation. (sighs) (“SO”) I just hope I can repeat some of the most important things enough times so people will see that that’s my main message and not pick apart some small part and say, “Well this blah blah blah blah blah.” My main messages are — well you know what my main messages are. I think they’re very clear. God is Love and you can only express your love for God by showing love to your fellow man. And to prove your love you have to give back to mankind as much as you have taken, if this is possible. Meaning how can anyone possibly give back as much as they’ve received? That’s very difficult. (“FOR”) The more successful you are, the more difficult it becomes because the more selfish people become. The more they think they deserve, the more they think they need so I’m just here to say and try to show in my own life how important it is to always give back. Today I gave money to someone who was straggling outside of Trader Joe’s. I’d given him money before and I’ve told him about Interfaith before. People don’t always do what’s best for them. They don’t listen to what people suggest. People need to listen.
( . . . )
Q: Carol Ann also gave us—I don’t know—about thirty pages of a synopsis of her friend Michael’s book. So something else to read. I think I’ll give this to my hypnotherapist and let him tell me what he thinks about it because he seems very impartial and could maybe incorporate this in our work together.
( . . . )
(“IF”)
Q: . . . I had my way in life, I don’t know about publishing a new Testament for mankind seems something insurmountable to me. I think I’d prefer to be a nun somewhere just channeling love. (“BUT” “AS IF”) As — I don’t think I’d enjoy that either. I would be bananas in one week. Even though most people think I’m bananas now. But I don’t know — I just want to channel love to everyone, not get impatient, not have a car accident like all the speakers at PRS. So many of them have been in car accidents. I just want to be the best possible me I can be and represent — do public relations for the Shared Consciousness that is Mighael. And where that one gay Angel named Mighael fits in, I don’t really know because Mighael is many different consciousnesses — well that’s what God is. So I’m just as confused as ever about the gay Angel named Mighael, the person who’s doing all the breathing on the cassettes; the different voices on the cassettes; God the Father; me the Son of Man/son of God. We definitely have a Father/son relation going on too. Maybe it’s just (“SYMBOL”) symbolic. I’m totally confused, totally alone except for Mighael who doesn’t talk to me except on the cassettes. Oh God, I’m just putting it all aside and (“SAY”) telling myself when the time is right things will unfold as they should so that the best circumstances possible will ensue for God to make His message heard and to provide eternal happiness for those deserving. So I can’t take this responsibility. (“WHENEVER I”) Whenever I think this is my responsibility, I start going a little bit nuts. I’m — and bad things start happening. (“LIKE I”) Hit my head on a drawer or something or become overwrought. (“BUT”) We all need is just — I don’t know, I just — sometimes I feel like I need a friend who I can speak to and who’ll accept me for who I am and what I’m saying. Even though that’s probably impossible. (phone rings) Oh my goodness, okay. Hello? (I hang up) That’s weird. It rang. There’s nobody there. And there’s a busy signal. (phone rings) Wait. Hello? There’s something wrong with my phone. (I hang up) There’s something wrong with my phone.
( . . . )
Q: (speaking into telephone) You tried calling twice? How long — ? My machine? Okay, well I don’t know. I’m home. I have Pacific Bell. They only pick up after four rings supposedly. I was here. No, but I have three different phones here. One of the ringers should have been working. What did you leave? I know but (“WHA”) what happened? Is Mike alright? You have heard nothing? It’s been two hours since he called you? And Andy’s not home? And you’re getting a bad vibe? (“WELL”) Well why wasn’t my phone ringing? I’m getting very bad (“VA”) vibes too because my phone — it’s like why is my phone all of a sudden not working? Your worried about Michael — (“FF”) okay, bye. Yeah? Okay, bye.
( . . . )
Q: Hello? Now it’s working. I think — two times ago. I think — well, you know, I was talking into my tape recorder so I think maybe Mighael did not want me to be interrupted for doing my book. It’s not easy living — well I’m worried too. Well let me know what happens. I’m sure he’s alright. Is this alike (or “IS THIS ALIKE”) — this is like — (“WW”) his car phone’s not working. It’s out of range. Is this him on the —
( . . . )
Q: Oh so he’s not arrived yet. Well let me know. I hope he’s alright. That’s all we need for him to be in a car accident too. Oh my God.
( . . . )
Q: Please God, make everything alright. Please.
( . . . )
Q: A lot of this is wishful thinking, of course.
( . . . )
Q: Carol Ann also said she thinks that she was a Buddhist monk in her past life and once she attended services and (“HAD”) someone had spoken (“TT”) Tibetan. And she had heard it all in English. Her husband has a birthmark that is like a spear wound that he received in a previous lifetime and once he even met someone who he had done battle with in a previous lifetime. “The soul is in charge of the incarnations,” she said. “We have the opportunity in each incarnation to overcome the previous failures and change what it was to what it’s supposed to be.” She did say that during the workshop (“THAT”) she thinks she was a seer in Egypt who was put to death for writing down secrets she wasn’t supposed to. There was no rain today as it has been forecast. It was a beautiful sunny day. The people there with the word ‘son’ in their names were Maurice Peterson whose name was originally John Erik and he talked about a kundilini experience where he felt like laughing and dancing and singing for several months. After her own accident, Carol Ann, while waiting for the ambulance, was able not to feel pain and affirm herself by repeating her name and who she was. So if you’re ever in an accident, this is what you should do to help you focus. She healed quickly. They said that she wouldn’t be able to walk again but she’s already able to move around on her own and hopes to someday be able to walk without canes. There was a woman there whose name was Savannah, a name given to her by a medicine man which was representative of the lion, her medicine animal symbol. So it’s like everywhere I go people have lion symbols so with all the people I’ve been meeting I was just waiting for someone to suggest Guinevere to me. And I definitely felt that Savannah and Guinevere are very close with the As and the Ns so I told — because she was looking for a better name — the right name for her — and I told her it was Guinevere. So tonight she said she was going to meditate on it. Maybe she’s the reincarnation of Guinevere. So Carol was in the Madison Building as I asked her during our discussion during the workshop. And the other person there with son in his name was named Michael Jeffery Hayson. There was a very interesting man there named Dr. Elliot Tattion, I believe, whose real first name had been Michael. And he was talking a lot about synchronicity. He said some very interesting things such as “All Christians are Jews by definition and all Jews ought to be Christian.” Apparently, he’s the reincarnation of an Egyptian god by the name of Tet who has four separate identities. Just as Bel-Marduk is also the god Ra, there are different names and identities for different gods but since we’re each a god there is no real difference except for the Great Creator and all other forms of Consciousness. It’s so funny (“THAT”) he was drawing lots of connections like I’m doing and even after I said the things I said — and I — he said that everything registered in his mind very quickly but, again, he doesn’t really know what he’s looking for. I mentioned the fact that — because he was talking about Manley Hall — so on the way out I pointed out to him that ‘Man’ was in Manley’s name so he should easily be able to draw the connections between ‘Son’ and ‘Man’ and who I am and, perhaps, if he’s as spiritually advanced as he would like to be or thinks he is, (“I”) I think that — he talked a lot about the varius meanings of his name (“BUT” “IT”) and the year 2000 and he’s recorder at judgment and his mother’s name had special meanings because it was Buchanan and his father’s name meant ‘dead.’ And he was going to have to make some kind of witness or judgment regarding warfare or peace. Anyway, I don’t think he knew that I was probably more important to his mission — he probably thought I was just one of — another person who just happened to be there. He didn’t realize that he probably had this opportunity to put together his puzzle by — well maybe he did. Maybe — not then but maybe when he got home he will put it together because he said he doesn’t — he’d digest everything very quickly. But it’s a little bit — but who would digest this? I mean this is pretty much. So, anyway, once he reads my book he’ll be able to draw all the necessary parallels and connections and then he can make his own judgement as Mighael will make His own judgment.
( . . . )
Q: I spoke to Obadiah’s wife Jeanne and helped her set up some of the chairs for the workshop. (“I DIDN’T”) I didn’t realize til I called her to help some spelling that she’s Obadiah’s wife. So I told her I thought it was great that her husband lets her work so closely with him in running the organization. And so Carol Ann Dreyer also did a brief reading on both of them. And it turned out that phonetically Jeanne’s name — her name here is Jeanne Sun Harris but phonetically her Chinese name is close to sun and quartz meaning the treasure of the country. It also came up — that restaurant that’s Louisa’s also came up during the workshop. And it used to be called the Brown Derby and before it was Louisa’s it became Michael’s for a short period of time. I though that that was rather interesting. Obadiah also talked about how his mother was already to call him something else but was inspired to call him Obadiah soon after giving birth and his name means ‘servant of God’ or ‘creator’ or ‘creation of God’ and Carol Ann thought that sounded better. The original Obadiah had a very (“SYMBOL”) simple mystical message that he’s famous for which is ‘you can only go so far following your own soul and when you’ve gone as far as you can, your soul will bring you back.’ The original Obadiah was the prime minister for King Ahab and I asked the question, which I feel is very true, is that: Could Obadiah be the reincarnation of the original Obadiah? And Carol Ann agreed that this is definitely possible. He also told us an ironic story, of course, with the sun in her name, which is a definite symbol of what she does at the PRS, that when they married he sung to her “You Light Up My Life,” the Debby Boone song. That is a beautiful, beautiful song.
( . . . )
Q: So, looking back at the events of the weekend, I tape recorded a lot more than I intended as always. I’m beginning to feel (“LIKE”) it’s hopeless. I’ll never be able to transcribe all this because I keep (“I”) recording more than I can transcribe. (phone rings) Ahh — my God, there’s the phone.
( . . . )
Q: That was James. I get so few phone calls from my friends these days. Well what friends? Anyway. I do live sort of a sequestered life but I am totally happy and thankful but it does hurt me when I hear things like what James told me at lunch today about how Fiona wishes for the old Mark to be back. It’s just I mean why on Earth won’t they accept me for what I am. I am no different. It’s just that I guess I’m saying things (“THAT”) can’t possibly be true — can’t possi(bly) — again, this all comes down to ego. Carol Ann did say it is important things. The ego is important. And it is important. But we have to remember (“THAT”) the ego — there’s — it’s very — oh God, I don’t even to know to describe it. For example, people’s ego won’t let them believe any of the things that I’m telling and writing about. It’s their ego. Think about it. It’s very healthy to have a loving ego — to love yourself and to love God. But when people are disrupted in their own lives in who they are and when no information about God is revealed to them, they don’t want to believe it because (“IT”) puts their ego further down on what they imagine the celestial totem pole to be. So rather than just accept truth (“AN”) — I, myself, usually when I read the truth I know it. That’s why when I read Letters From The Earth I was very, very impressed. But I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling this job is too much for anyone to do effectively. As much as I would love for there to be (“HH”) love and harmony in the world, I feel that people’s egos (“WON’T LET”) won’t let this happen. I’m trying to be loving and even I, myself, I find myself getting frustrated and impatient all the time because I feel I should always be here on time or there on time. Okay, looking back at a little ordeal in the restaurant where I got snippy with the staff, the point is I didn’t get snippy the first three times I had bad service. Actually, one time I think I had fair service. Whoops — I forgot to hang up my telephone. But (“NO”) it’s — they take a long time there. (“AND TH” “THA”) That’s what I find in general that restaurants like supermarkets are understaffed. So by being cheap in not having another waitress or another checker, they lose customers because people don’t go back to these places. So if people would follow that little voice that says provide good service, they would have better karma. Anyway, this is where I am right now. I would love my book to be published and for people to accept its message even though it terrifies me to think of the various possible problems and interpretation. (sighs) (“SO”) I just hope I can repeat some of the most important things enough times so people will see that that’s my main message and not pick apart some small part and say, “Well this blah blah blah blah blah.” My main messages are — well you know what my main messages are. I think they’re very clear. God is Love and you can only express your love for God by showing love to your fellow man. And to prove your love you have to give back to mankind as much as you have taken, if this is possible. Meaning how can anyone possibly give back as much as they’ve received? That’s very difficult. (“FOR”) The more successful you are, the more difficult it becomes because the more selfish people become. The more they think they deserve, the more they think they need so I’m just here to say and try to show in my own life how important it is to always give back. Today I gave money to someone who was straggling outside of Trader Joe’s. I’d given him money before and I’ve told him about Interfaith before. People don’t always do what’s best for them. They don’t listen to what people suggest. People need to listen.
( . . . )
Q: Carol Ann also gave us—I don’t know—about thirty pages of a synopsis of her friend Michael’s book. So something else to read. I think I’ll give this to my hypnotherapist and let him tell me what he thinks about it because he seems very impartial and could maybe incorporate this in our work together.
( . . . )
(“IF”)
Q: . . . I had my way in life, I don’t know about publishing a new Testament for mankind seems something insurmountable to me. I think I’d prefer to be a nun somewhere just channeling love. (“BUT” “AS IF”) As — I don’t think I’d enjoy that either. I would be bananas in one week. Even though most people think I’m bananas now. But I don’t know — I just want to channel love to everyone, not get impatient, not have a car accident like all the speakers at PRS. So many of them have been in car accidents. I just want to be the best possible me I can be and represent — do public relations for the Shared Consciousness that is Mighael. And where that one gay Angel named Mighael fits in, I don’t really know because Mighael is many different consciousnesses — well that’s what God is. So I’m just as confused as ever about the gay Angel named Mighael, the person who’s doing all the breathing on the cassettes; the different voices on the cassettes; God the Father; me the Son of Man/son of God. We definitely have a Father/son relation going on too. Maybe it’s just (“SYMBOL”) symbolic. I’m totally confused, totally alone except for Mighael who doesn’t talk to me except on the cassettes. Oh God, I’m just putting it all aside and (“SAY”) telling myself when the time is right things will unfold as they should so that the best circumstances possible will ensue for God to make His message heard and to provide eternal happiness for those deserving. So I can’t take this responsibility. (“WHENEVER I”) Whenever I think this is my responsibility, I start going a little bit nuts. I’m — and bad things start happening. (“LIKE I”) Hit my head on a drawer or something or become overwrought. (“BUT”) We all need is just — I don’t know, I just — sometimes I feel like I need a friend who I can speak to and who’ll accept me for who I am and what I’m saying. Even though that’s probably impossible. (phone rings) Oh my goodness, okay. Hello? (I hang up) That’s weird. It rang. There’s nobody there. And there’s a busy signal. (phone rings) Wait. Hello? There’s something wrong with my phone. (I hang up) There’s something wrong with my phone.
( . . . )
Q: (speaking into telephone) You tried calling twice? How long — ? My machine? Okay, well I don’t know. I’m home. I have Pacific Bell. They only pick up after four rings supposedly. I was here. No, but I have three different phones here. One of the ringers should have been working. What did you leave? I know but (“WHA”) what happened? Is Mike alright? You have heard nothing? It’s been two hours since he called you? And Andy’s not home? And you’re getting a bad vibe? (“WELL”) Well why wasn’t my phone ringing? I’m getting very bad (“VA”) vibes too because my phone — it’s like why is my phone all of a sudden not working? Your worried about Michael — (“FF”) okay, bye. Yeah? Okay, bye.
( . . . )
Q: Hello? Now it’s working. I think — two times ago. I think — well, you know, I was talking into my tape recorder so I think maybe Mighael did not want me to be interrupted for doing my book. It’s not easy living — well I’m worried too. Well let me know what happens. I’m sure he’s alright. Is this alike (or “IS THIS ALIKE”) — this is like — (“WW”) his car phone’s not working. It’s out of range. Is this him on the —
( . . . )
Q: Oh so he’s not arrived yet. Well let me know. I hope he’s alright. That’s all we need for him to be in a car accident too. Oh my God.
( . . . )
Q: Please God, make everything alright. Please.
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