WRITTEN JOURNAL
(APRIL 24, 1998 THROUGH JULY 3, 1998)
APRIL 24, 1998
It has been thirty-nine days since I stopped tape-recording journals and conversations. I’ve decided to keep a written record of some of my experiences.
I’m working as a temporary office worker because of the difficulties in finding employment outside of the film industry here in Los Angeles. I will not work in the entertainment industry because I won’t be a part of this corrupt process that keeps so many people caught up in fantasy while they ignore the problems of our society. One of the things I’ve discovered is that temporary workers are penalized when they perform conscientious, expedient work (as they get paid for less hours than they would otherwise). Judging by how many temporary agencies there are, companies are using more of them—along with independent contractors—to avoid insurance and retirement benefits, etc. Temporary workers are employees of their agencies, which aren’t required to pay for these things.
When I worked three days for a local retail sellers trade journal, I worked diligently and helped out in a variety of tasks, including proofreading, sending hundreds of faxes and not taking breaks, only to be told that I wouldn’t be needed for the additional week planned because a friend of an employee had become available for whom there wouldn’t be an agency fee. Some managers seem to have no understanding or appreciation for (or no way of ascertaining) an individual’s skills.
On one occasion, what I had been told would be an afternoon job answering telephones turned into one working on an unfamiliar software program. I helped the other ‘temp,’ Annabelle, meet her deadline yet when one of the supervisors said we could take a lunch break at four o’clock, she declined because of the work load that needed to be done before the end of the day. I said, “I ate before coming here,” and was told, “That’s the right answer.” I asked Annabelle if hers was a long-term assignment and she said she didn’t know. The experience reminded me how people make themselves rich with the support of their staff who provide essential work with far less pay. People are so preoccupied with themselves, they minimize the contributions of others to justify how much they take for themselves. When I went to the men’s bathroom that day, I discovered the room was severely flooding due to a broken urinal.
Today, I worked for four hours with another temp, Ethan, at the Rand Company, putting together a mailing to Hawaiian church leaders about the Los Angeles Mammography Promotion in Churches Program. I couldn’t help thinking what a shame it is that so little attention is being given to holistic areas of healing that have been proven effective in favor of procedures more financially rewarding for the medical industry.
The day was to have been the final day of a week’s assignment at the California Clinical Trials call-in center but four days proved enough for me. I knew this was going to be a difficult experience yet I was curious about what I might learn. At first I wondered, ‘Is Mighael testing me to see if I’ll accept money for work I know I won’t think is valuable?’ I decided that God was providing me with an invaluable learning opportunity. The four days began with signing an agreement not to disclose company secrets to any competitive medical group (I can’t say what it said exactly because I wasn’t given a copy of the agreement). After the experience, I can’t imagine taking seriously the results of any clinical trial.
My job was entering information into the computer that was provided by callers responding to newspaper and radio advertising. I also helped with filing and making ‘callbacks.’ Here are some of the things I noticed. Many callers were unemployed or obviously were motivated by the $800-$880 received by study participants, sometimes wavering between which study most interested them. Four employees would interview via phone these callers, asking them such things as, ‘Have you ever tried to commit suicide? Have you ever tried to hurt yourself? If so, in what ways?’ After asking these questions, they would pause for a minute or so before telling the caller they weren’t acceptable for a particular study. In this way, the most depressed (suicidal) callers were screened out of the study and therapy was suggested as the alternative. The pause apparently was calculated to make callers feel that they had been given some consideration. I was surprised that these employees doing the screening didn’t seem to have significant experience as counselors in the mental health field — one had been a singer; another had been an actress. Periodically, I observed employees taking breaks to move their cars (as a temp, my valet parking was validated). Some of the anecdotes I heard shared by staff members included a male caller saying that he began medication after hearing his name being called when nobody was there. One man put a gun inside his mouth and pulled the trigger yet it didn’t go off until after he moved it away from himself. When the staff member who had been a singer moved to California, some truck drivers had assisted her by CB radio during a heavy fog. When I was told about a man 5’4″ and weighing 190 lbs. who said he was interested in doing something about being depressed, I quipped he must think that participating in a clinical trial is easier than a gym regimen. That reminded me of myself for so many years. So often, we dismiss an experience without bothering to test or evaluate it.
The department head told me he had a sales background. I told him my first day there that I wasn’t interested in a permanent position but on Thursday, even after I told him I wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow, he still asked if I would be available next week. Isobel was a temp one day yet she had a slight accent (I didn’t think was a problem) so she wasn’t invited back. She was fortunate. When I asked one of my co-workers if she thought this job was one that made her feel like she was giving back to society and helping people, she replied, “Sometimes but for most studies it’s just pushing pills at people who don’t need them.” I also enquired about the high level of security and was told this was because of the cutthroat competition for money from the big pharmaceutical companies.
I also was surprised by how poor was the nutrition of some staff members, who preferred microwaving their frozen foods instead of bringing in a healthy salad. Also, the lunch room windows are kept closed despite the frequent use of the room’s two microwave ovens.
Like at other places I’ve “temped,” the main topics of conversation other than the work at hand is always movies, followed by television shows. The movies most talked about while I was at CCT were “Wings of Desire” and its new American studio remake and someone from another department was recommending “La Belle et la Bete” and enthusing about how Cocteau was a genius who created his special effects by editing via the camera. If people gave as much consideration to their personal actions and deeds as they do to their fantasy lives, the world would be a much better place.
While I had planned to stay the entire week at CCT to observe as much as possible, I began getting indications that Mighael had thought I’d been there long enough. First, there was a license plate in front of me on the freeway on the way home Wednesday that said “IRATE.” During my break Thursday, an article in a magazine I was reading proclaimed “Practice What You Preach.” I was bewildered about this turn of events because I had rationalized that I was there for the week stint as an investigative journalist. I don’t want to quickly be judgmental of an entire profession; indeed, I often wonder if indeed society has been so corrupted by opportunism and self-interest that there are few honorable jobs left. I told myself that maybe these studies were helpful at least in that some people with financial difficulties were able to make some extra money by becoming study participants; and maybe there are people of such limited consciousness that it really doesn’t matter what happens to them. Also, perhaps, some individuals were just throwing the pills away.
When I was calling back people, I saw that many were contacted endlessly week after week after week in an attempt to recruit them. Soon after solving an unexpected software malfunction that briefly prevented me from my work, one woman I called started saying, “Robert, is that you? Robert?” I began feeling very uncomfortable and angry. How could Mighael want me to be his witness and then suddenly lose patience with me for remaining in the position for too long? Anyway, I remember thinking, “Okay, Michael, if this experience is just another test to see if I’ll do something harmful to others for money, I’ll give you what you want.” I began even more hurriedly making the callbacks, albeit I felt relieved upon agreeing to remove callers’ names from the callback list when they asked to stop getting calls. I felt a twinge of regret, however, after I transferred one befuddled yet gracious man to a staff interviewer after he responded that he guessed he was still interested in the depression study. When I called the employment agency to tell them I was going to finish my stint that Thursday, I was told I was officially turning down work.
Now, the following day, I’m no longer irate myself yet I don’t feel as open to Spiritual Love as usual. I’ve said and done so many foolish and hurtful things that it’s hard to forgive myself. I just feel many conflicting and frantic sensations after experiencing so many disappointments. “Unchained Melody” played on the radio a while ago and I didn’t feel anything.
Some of the things I learned about taking responsibility for your actions in terms of the employment you accept has to deal with the increased responsibility for those in positions of power in companies. Clearly, the poor have little choice in how to make their living. The February 23 edition of Newsweek mentioned in the “Periscope” section that “The U.S. income gap has widened to the point that the top 1 percent of Americans have more wealth than the bottom 90%. The poor are disproportionately African-American and Hispanic.”
It also troubles me in my experiences how I usually consider my own predicament before appraising the significance of an event upon God. Because of this, I am able to comprehend how journalists and others have ignored the news I have presented. My brother called me and said that he saw information about me and Testament in the 1998 Publicists Guild Directory. I had told Ed Crane if he couldn’t include my article, I didn’t want to be mentioned at all. Anyone who would read what the Guild has to say about me would think I was some kind of crazed, impressionable fanatic. On page 123, there’s a half-page ad featuring a portion of my photo from the back cover of Testament (“Frito Lay” is very discernable) along with the photo used for the Variety ad and the following:
It has been thirty-nine days since I stopped tape-recording journals and conversations. I’ve decided to keep a written record of some of my experiences.
I’m working as a temporary office worker because of the difficulties in finding employment outside of the film industry here in Los Angeles. I will not work in the entertainment industry because I won’t be a part of this corrupt process that keeps so many people caught up in fantasy while they ignore the problems of our society. One of the things I’ve discovered is that temporary workers are penalized when they perform conscientious, expedient work (as they get paid for less hours than they would otherwise). Judging by how many temporary agencies there are, companies are using more of them—along with independent contractors—to avoid insurance and retirement benefits, etc. Temporary workers are employees of their agencies, which aren’t required to pay for these things.
When I worked three days for a local retail sellers trade journal, I worked diligently and helped out in a variety of tasks, including proofreading, sending hundreds of faxes and not taking breaks, only to be told that I wouldn’t be needed for the additional week planned because a friend of an employee had become available for whom there wouldn’t be an agency fee. Some managers seem to have no understanding or appreciation for (or no way of ascertaining) an individual’s skills.
On one occasion, what I had been told would be an afternoon job answering telephones turned into one working on an unfamiliar software program. I helped the other ‘temp,’ Annabelle, meet her deadline yet when one of the supervisors said we could take a lunch break at four o’clock, she declined because of the work load that needed to be done before the end of the day. I said, “I ate before coming here,” and was told, “That’s the right answer.” I asked Annabelle if hers was a long-term assignment and she said she didn’t know. The experience reminded me how people make themselves rich with the support of their staff who provide essential work with far less pay. People are so preoccupied with themselves, they minimize the contributions of others to justify how much they take for themselves. When I went to the men’s bathroom that day, I discovered the room was severely flooding due to a broken urinal.
Today, I worked for four hours with another temp, Ethan, at the Rand Company, putting together a mailing to Hawaiian church leaders about the Los Angeles Mammography Promotion in Churches Program. I couldn’t help thinking what a shame it is that so little attention is being given to holistic areas of healing that have been proven effective in favor of procedures more financially rewarding for the medical industry.
The day was to have been the final day of a week’s assignment at the California Clinical Trials call-in center but four days proved enough for me. I knew this was going to be a difficult experience yet I was curious about what I might learn. At first I wondered, ‘Is Mighael testing me to see if I’ll accept money for work I know I won’t think is valuable?’ I decided that God was providing me with an invaluable learning opportunity. The four days began with signing an agreement not to disclose company secrets to any competitive medical group (I can’t say what it said exactly because I wasn’t given a copy of the agreement). After the experience, I can’t imagine taking seriously the results of any clinical trial.
My job was entering information into the computer that was provided by callers responding to newspaper and radio advertising. I also helped with filing and making ‘callbacks.’ Here are some of the things I noticed. Many callers were unemployed or obviously were motivated by the $800-$880 received by study participants, sometimes wavering between which study most interested them. Four employees would interview via phone these callers, asking them such things as, ‘Have you ever tried to commit suicide? Have you ever tried to hurt yourself? If so, in what ways?’ After asking these questions, they would pause for a minute or so before telling the caller they weren’t acceptable for a particular study. In this way, the most depressed (suicidal) callers were screened out of the study and therapy was suggested as the alternative. The pause apparently was calculated to make callers feel that they had been given some consideration. I was surprised that these employees doing the screening didn’t seem to have significant experience as counselors in the mental health field — one had been a singer; another had been an actress. Periodically, I observed employees taking breaks to move their cars (as a temp, my valet parking was validated). Some of the anecdotes I heard shared by staff members included a male caller saying that he began medication after hearing his name being called when nobody was there. One man put a gun inside his mouth and pulled the trigger yet it didn’t go off until after he moved it away from himself. When the staff member who had been a singer moved to California, some truck drivers had assisted her by CB radio during a heavy fog. When I was told about a man 5’4″ and weighing 190 lbs. who said he was interested in doing something about being depressed, I quipped he must think that participating in a clinical trial is easier than a gym regimen. That reminded me of myself for so many years. So often, we dismiss an experience without bothering to test or evaluate it.
The department head told me he had a sales background. I told him my first day there that I wasn’t interested in a permanent position but on Thursday, even after I told him I wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow, he still asked if I would be available next week. Isobel was a temp one day yet she had a slight accent (I didn’t think was a problem) so she wasn’t invited back. She was fortunate. When I asked one of my co-workers if she thought this job was one that made her feel like she was giving back to society and helping people, she replied, “Sometimes but for most studies it’s just pushing pills at people who don’t need them.” I also enquired about the high level of security and was told this was because of the cutthroat competition for money from the big pharmaceutical companies.
I also was surprised by how poor was the nutrition of some staff members, who preferred microwaving their frozen foods instead of bringing in a healthy salad. Also, the lunch room windows are kept closed despite the frequent use of the room’s two microwave ovens.
Like at other places I’ve “temped,” the main topics of conversation other than the work at hand is always movies, followed by television shows. The movies most talked about while I was at CCT were “Wings of Desire” and its new American studio remake and someone from another department was recommending “La Belle et la Bete” and enthusing about how Cocteau was a genius who created his special effects by editing via the camera. If people gave as much consideration to their personal actions and deeds as they do to their fantasy lives, the world would be a much better place.
While I had planned to stay the entire week at CCT to observe as much as possible, I began getting indications that Mighael had thought I’d been there long enough. First, there was a license plate in front of me on the freeway on the way home Wednesday that said “IRATE.” During my break Thursday, an article in a magazine I was reading proclaimed “Practice What You Preach.” I was bewildered about this turn of events because I had rationalized that I was there for the week stint as an investigative journalist. I don’t want to quickly be judgmental of an entire profession; indeed, I often wonder if indeed society has been so corrupted by opportunism and self-interest that there are few honorable jobs left. I told myself that maybe these studies were helpful at least in that some people with financial difficulties were able to make some extra money by becoming study participants; and maybe there are people of such limited consciousness that it really doesn’t matter what happens to them. Also, perhaps, some individuals were just throwing the pills away.
When I was calling back people, I saw that many were contacted endlessly week after week after week in an attempt to recruit them. Soon after solving an unexpected software malfunction that briefly prevented me from my work, one woman I called started saying, “Robert, is that you? Robert?” I began feeling very uncomfortable and angry. How could Mighael want me to be his witness and then suddenly lose patience with me for remaining in the position for too long? Anyway, I remember thinking, “Okay, Michael, if this experience is just another test to see if I’ll do something harmful to others for money, I’ll give you what you want.” I began even more hurriedly making the callbacks, albeit I felt relieved upon agreeing to remove callers’ names from the callback list when they asked to stop getting calls. I felt a twinge of regret, however, after I transferred one befuddled yet gracious man to a staff interviewer after he responded that he guessed he was still interested in the depression study. When I called the employment agency to tell them I was going to finish my stint that Thursday, I was told I was officially turning down work.
Now, the following day, I’m no longer irate myself yet I don’t feel as open to Spiritual Love as usual. I’ve said and done so many foolish and hurtful things that it’s hard to forgive myself. I just feel many conflicting and frantic sensations after experiencing so many disappointments. “Unchained Melody” played on the radio a while ago and I didn’t feel anything.
Some of the things I learned about taking responsibility for your actions in terms of the employment you accept has to deal with the increased responsibility for those in positions of power in companies. Clearly, the poor have little choice in how to make their living. The February 23 edition of Newsweek mentioned in the “Periscope” section that “The U.S. income gap has widened to the point that the top 1 percent of Americans have more wealth than the bottom 90%. The poor are disproportionately African-American and Hispanic.”
It also troubles me in my experiences how I usually consider my own predicament before appraising the significance of an event upon God. Because of this, I am able to comprehend how journalists and others have ignored the news I have presented. My brother called me and said that he saw information about me and Testament in the 1998 Publicists Guild Directory. I had told Ed Crane if he couldn’t include my article, I didn’t want to be mentioned at all. Anyone who would read what the Guild has to say about me would think I was some kind of crazed, impressionable fanatic. On page 123, there’s a half-page ad featuring a portion of my photo from the back cover of Testament (“Frito Lay” is very discernable) along with the photo used for the Variety ad and the following:
LEAVING THE MOUNTAIN. Mark Russell, who left Paramount Pictures’ publicity department in August, 1995, has since transcribed a multitude of taped interviews focusing on “paranormal phenomena.” The result is the fascinating 1,072-page book, “Testament,” (Oracle Press). After completing a nonfiction manuscript concerning such historical unexplainable phenomena as the 19th century Bell Witch case and the Isle of Man occurrence in the 1930s, Russell traveled to Oklahoma to investigate a contemporary poltergeist haunting, interviewing multiple family members whose lives have been forever changed as result of an interdimensional “entity” that lives in their midst. To Russell’s amazement, he discovered the family has ties to the 19th century Bell family.
Other developments that have occurred since discontinuing recording my audio journals/conversations, I have decided against listening further to Art Bell’s radio broadcasts or visiting his website and—upon arriving at this conclusion—posted a bulletin board message there commenting on this. This decision is as much due to the recent increase of disinformation being delivered by the show as it is to Art’s unimaginable level of cynicism.
APRIL 26
Yesterday, I went to the Burbank Book Fair to research possible places to sell some of my books. I had sent my list to two stores yet never heard anything back despite my eagerness to sell them. This is a good example of how easy it is to see past the ‘freedom of choice’ platitude — it is used far too often. The reason I haven’t been able to sell my collection of books may be in part due to the fact that I have so many valuable books (first editions in excellent condition) of such titles as Anne Rice’s five vampire novels as well as The Shining and The Stand by Stephen King. The biggest disappointment has been all those Franklin Library first editions I had been getting via mail several years ago — they aren’t even worth today what I originally paid.
I provided the Book Fair management team with a complimentary copy of Testament, which became the 2 p.m. raffle prize. I also gave a copy to a horror writer who was a guest speaker — John Skip, who said that he was going to be directing a movie entitled “Peek A Boo.” He was going to give me a complimentary copy of one of his books but I said I no longer read horror novels and would wait for his upcoming novel set in “Oz.”
I can’t help thinking that value being assigned to old books and things is a symptom of an immoral, diseased culture. Horror novels and other “collectors’ items” wouldn’t be worth hundreds if not thousands of dollars if everyone’s priorities were the same. Who cares if something is the first edition or not? No one would if they could barely afford necessities.
Why don’t people listen to you when you tell them, based on your own experience, it is far healthier having a vegan diet and you don’t feel like you’re giving up anything. I no longer eat meat or dairy products and I have never been stronger and healthier. I remember when I ate meat, I thought I liked its taste yet now I realize this was not true at all. Consider the hot dog, it isn’t the meat that tastes good: it’s the texture of the food, the bread and the condiments. Because of what has happened to chickens and cows, is simply isn’t safe to consume them or dairy products. I used to love cheese and sour cream yet I don’t miss them today. There are healthy substitutes such as Tofutti brand ‘Better Than Cream Cheese.’ Recently, upon being confronted with the depletion of fish populations by fisherman, seals have begun being blamed and now they too have become prey to man’s self-interest. Such hasty violence is a futile alternative to adapting to the conditions of a world where the balance of nature continues to be ignored due to no worth in dollars being assigned to what we’re accustomed to exploiting and taking for granted.
After attending the Philosophical Research Society lecture today, I went to Arcadia to help my mother with her grocery shopping. Michael still continues to manifest Himself in the usual ways. On the way home, I stopped by an El Monte thrift store to look around and a lady blocking my way as she headed in the opposite direction suddenly turned to the man accompanying her and said in a very loud and strict manner, “Did you just tell me to move!?” He hadn’t said anything. And I followed a red Honda Prelude on Fourth Street in Santa Monica that had the license plate 4AEU666.
APRIL 27
Today, I received two faxes from the lone distributor that has added Testament to their list — ordering a total of ten books. I stopped by my brother’s office to print out some invoices and bills of lading because my printer is broken. Both times I’ve visited him in Beverly Hills, the receptionist received the tell-tale hang-up call while I was signing in. People’s lack of support and denial of shared responsibility in helping me make others aware of Testament is symptomatic of a society that doesn’t understand love is something we give and not just take: ‘Why would God need me to do anything for Him? I like the way things are because I have everything I want. If others don’t have what I do, that’s their problem, their lesson.’
APRIL 28
Today I applied for a permanent job as there are no temporary positions coming along. Michael called me and told me he was going to a soiree for Barbara Walters. He would never consider bringing a copy of Testament for her. He gets worried at any indication someone may be interested in the book because he doesn’t see it as something that would bring him any advantages in his career. I called him afterward and he was in bed eating ice cream and watching television. His cat Dickens began biting him as he spoke to me. He said his partner, Steve, was in the living room watching cooking shows. I joked that there should be a Mad Cow cable station so maybe they would become vegans like me and eliminate dairy products from their diet. Rice and tofu variations of ice cream taste better and are healthier. There are also chocolates in health food stores that are made without milk products although I seldom make room for such luxuries in my budget.
APRIL 29
I found a new article at Ian Goddard’s website at http://www.erols.com/igoddard that presents some more disturbing information on the evolution of the Flight 800 case. Here is the article:
The Federal Government and the major media keep saying that no evidence supports the TWA 800 missile theory. At the rate evidence to the contrary keeps disappearing, the GovtMedia’s claim might actually become true someday in the near future.
The April issue of the Case Files newsletter [1] reports that the NTSB just altered the flight data recorder (FDR) report available at the NTSB website. [2] ALL the data that clearly indicated a missile impact [3] was just erased. While minor changes to other reports at the NTSB page prompted the publishing of notification of such changes, this major change was just slipped in (and the data slipped out) without any notice. Even more, the new, altered version of the report states that the chart from which data was erased was created on January 09, 1997, giving the impression that it was never altered.
You may recall previous updates pointing to the analysis of the now disappeared data by retired Navy crash investigator Commander Bill Donaldson. His analysis demonstrates how the now disappeared data was proof of a missile strike [3]. The NTSB responded, saying the data in question was from a previous flight, which apparently survived a missile strike. The NTSB response is now to just disappear the evidence.
If the Federal Government can’t win the argument over the facts, they just erase them, then they assault with lies and ad hominem any who question them, and attempt to throw in jail anyone (such as James Sanders and Terrell Stacey) who dares to bring forward evidence that is to remain hidden. These are the desperate tactics of a diabolical and despotic government!
PATTERN OF DISAPPEARING EVIDENCE
In an article subtitled “When suspicious debris arrived in the hangar the FBI took it away,” the Village Voice [4] just reported that a large segment of a wing from TWA 800 with high-velocity punctures through it was flown, special delivery to FBI headquarters in D.C., after which it simply “vanished.”
The chief medical examiner in the TWA 800 case, Dr. Charles Wetli, said “virtually all of the bodies had shrapnel” in them [5]. The question, “How could a dull, subsonic combustion of a center fuel tank (CFT) (which didn’t even explode into the passenger cabin) put shrapnel into ‘virtually all’ the passengers?” is a question with only one logical answer: “A CFT explosion could NOT put shrapnel into ‘virtually all of the bodies.'”
Well, it would be easy enough to prove where that shrapnel came from by the physical analysis of it. Obviously the FBI realized the weight of such evidence, and thus, as Dr. Wetli reported:
“FBI agents were here and standing with us while we were doing the autopsies and taking the shrapnel that we found.” [5]
It seems the FBI realized that the shrapnel was so important that they could not allow it to fall into the wrong hands (such as the untrustworthy hands of the medical examiners), so the FBI actually stationed agents over the shoulders of the examiners as they performed the autopsies so that the agents could instantly grab up every piece of shrapnel, it would seem so as to ensure that each and every piece could be carefully disappeared.
ONE THIRD OF PLANE REMAINS HIDDEN
A very big piece of the puzzle that has “disappeared,” after large portions of it were seen being recovered, is the entire nose section of TWA 800 (which was part of the section of the plane that fell away first). Contrary to misleading reports in the media that imply all of the fuselage is in one hanger, the pulverized nose section is NOT with rest of the reconstruction [6], instead, it remains hidden from public sight to this day. At the same time, all of the wings remain hidden, including the critical wing portion just cited that simply “vanished.”
Not only is the evidence of a missile hit being disappeared, but a human being who was gathering evidence of a missile hit also disappeared. [7] Jeremy Crocker spoke on KIEV radio about TWA 800 five days before he disappeared, back in December 1996. Before he disappeared, he sent a graphic that he made to fellow researcher Tom Shoemaker that suggests he may have acquired inside evidence that something (a drone?) was launched from the Block Island airport (drones are usually launched from land).
While this listing of disappeared and hidden evidence in the TWA 800 case is by no means a complete listing, it cites key examples of an ongoing pattern of disappearing evidence, of which the vanishing of the FDR evidence is but a subset.
GODDARD’S CONCLUSIONARY COMMENTARY
As the Federal Government works overtime to vanish the civil liberties of The People, is it really such a surprise that it would also work overtime to vanish any truths that might call for restrictions on its liberties? Sadly, it’s not a surprise. The Federal Government is working overtime to vanish anything that stands or would stand in the way of its absolute power, and toward that goal, the liberties of The People must vanish.
When evidence disappears, people disappear, and when evidence and people disappear, truth, liberty, and justice disappear. May the future of our nation not follow the fate of TWA 800. If the government does not stop disappearing the evidence and start revealing the truth, it willfully shoots down the future of the nation with the missile of tyranny, which is consistent with the federal-power agenda.
______________________________________________________
R E F E R E N C E S ___________________________________________
[1] TWA 800 Case Files Newsletter (April, 1998), part three:http://www.webexpert.net/rosedale/twacasefile/aprilnews.html
[2] Altered Version of NTSB Report 10A “Flight Data Recorder Group Chairman Factual Report”:http://www.ntsb.gov/Events/twa800/exhibit.htm
[3] Crash Investigator’s Analysis of FDR Data:http://members.aol.com/bardonia/analysis.htm
[4] Village Voice article: “The Missing Evidence”:http://www.villagevoice.com/ink/news/16davey.shtml
This may be the disappeared portion of wing:http://www.erols.com/igoddard/wing.htm
ANG pilot who saw vanished wing segment:http://members.aol.com/bardonia/meyer.htm
[5] CNN Interactive: Six months later, still no answer to TWA Flight 800 mystery. 1/17/97.http://www.cnn.com/US/9701/17/twa/index.html
[6] Picture of main fuselage showing nose section missing: http://www.erols.com/igoddard/crash.htm
Aviation Industry article about hidden nose section:http://aviationind.miningco.com/library/weekly/aa010898.htm
[7] Disappeared TWA 800 Researcher Jeremy Crocker:http://www.erols.com/igoddard/threats.htm#DISAPPEARED
The April issue of the Case Files newsletter [1] reports that the NTSB just altered the flight data recorder (FDR) report available at the NTSB website. [2] ALL the data that clearly indicated a missile impact [3] was just erased. While minor changes to other reports at the NTSB page prompted the publishing of notification of such changes, this major change was just slipped in (and the data slipped out) without any notice. Even more, the new, altered version of the report states that the chart from which data was erased was created on January 09, 1997, giving the impression that it was never altered.
You may recall previous updates pointing to the analysis of the now disappeared data by retired Navy crash investigator Commander Bill Donaldson. His analysis demonstrates how the now disappeared data was proof of a missile strike [3]. The NTSB responded, saying the data in question was from a previous flight, which apparently survived a missile strike. The NTSB response is now to just disappear the evidence.
If the Federal Government can’t win the argument over the facts, they just erase them, then they assault with lies and ad hominem any who question them, and attempt to throw in jail anyone (such as James Sanders and Terrell Stacey) who dares to bring forward evidence that is to remain hidden. These are the desperate tactics of a diabolical and despotic government!
PATTERN OF DISAPPEARING EVIDENCE
In an article subtitled “When suspicious debris arrived in the hangar the FBI took it away,” the Village Voice [4] just reported that a large segment of a wing from TWA 800 with high-velocity punctures through it was flown, special delivery to FBI headquarters in D.C., after which it simply “vanished.”
The chief medical examiner in the TWA 800 case, Dr. Charles Wetli, said “virtually all of the bodies had shrapnel” in them [5]. The question, “How could a dull, subsonic combustion of a center fuel tank (CFT) (which didn’t even explode into the passenger cabin) put shrapnel into ‘virtually all’ the passengers?” is a question with only one logical answer: “A CFT explosion could NOT put shrapnel into ‘virtually all of the bodies.'”
Well, it would be easy enough to prove where that shrapnel came from by the physical analysis of it. Obviously the FBI realized the weight of such evidence, and thus, as Dr. Wetli reported:
“FBI agents were here and standing with us while we were doing the autopsies and taking the shrapnel that we found.” [5]
It seems the FBI realized that the shrapnel was so important that they could not allow it to fall into the wrong hands (such as the untrustworthy hands of the medical examiners), so the FBI actually stationed agents over the shoulders of the examiners as they performed the autopsies so that the agents could instantly grab up every piece of shrapnel, it would seem so as to ensure that each and every piece could be carefully disappeared.
ONE THIRD OF PLANE REMAINS HIDDEN
A very big piece of the puzzle that has “disappeared,” after large portions of it were seen being recovered, is the entire nose section of TWA 800 (which was part of the section of the plane that fell away first). Contrary to misleading reports in the media that imply all of the fuselage is in one hanger, the pulverized nose section is NOT with rest of the reconstruction [6], instead, it remains hidden from public sight to this day. At the same time, all of the wings remain hidden, including the critical wing portion just cited that simply “vanished.”
Not only is the evidence of a missile hit being disappeared, but a human being who was gathering evidence of a missile hit also disappeared. [7] Jeremy Crocker spoke on KIEV radio about TWA 800 five days before he disappeared, back in December 1996. Before he disappeared, he sent a graphic that he made to fellow researcher Tom Shoemaker that suggests he may have acquired inside evidence that something (a drone?) was launched from the Block Island airport (drones are usually launched from land).
While this listing of disappeared and hidden evidence in the TWA 800 case is by no means a complete listing, it cites key examples of an ongoing pattern of disappearing evidence, of which the vanishing of the FDR evidence is but a subset.
GODDARD’S CONCLUSIONARY COMMENTARY
As the Federal Government works overtime to vanish the civil liberties of The People, is it really such a surprise that it would also work overtime to vanish any truths that might call for restrictions on its liberties? Sadly, it’s not a surprise. The Federal Government is working overtime to vanish anything that stands or would stand in the way of its absolute power, and toward that goal, the liberties of The People must vanish.
When evidence disappears, people disappear, and when evidence and people disappear, truth, liberty, and justice disappear. May the future of our nation not follow the fate of TWA 800. If the government does not stop disappearing the evidence and start revealing the truth, it willfully shoots down the future of the nation with the missile of tyranny, which is consistent with the federal-power agenda.
______________________________________________________
R E F E R E N C E S ___________________________________________
[1] TWA 800 Case Files Newsletter (April, 1998), part three:http://www.webexpert.net/rosedale/twacasefile/aprilnews.html
[2] Altered Version of NTSB Report 10A “Flight Data Recorder Group Chairman Factual Report”:http://www.ntsb.gov/Events/twa800/exhibit.htm
[3] Crash Investigator’s Analysis of FDR Data:http://members.aol.com/bardonia/analysis.htm
[4] Village Voice article: “The Missing Evidence”:http://www.villagevoice.com/ink/news/16davey.shtml
This may be the disappeared portion of wing:http://www.erols.com/igoddard/wing.htm
ANG pilot who saw vanished wing segment:http://members.aol.com/bardonia/meyer.htm
[5] CNN Interactive: Six months later, still no answer to TWA Flight 800 mystery. 1/17/97.http://www.cnn.com/US/9701/17/twa/index.html
[6] Picture of main fuselage showing nose section missing: http://www.erols.com/igoddard/crash.htm
Aviation Industry article about hidden nose section:http://aviationind.miningco.com/library/weekly/aa010898.htm
[7] Disappeared TWA 800 Researcher Jeremy Crocker:http://www.erols.com/igoddard/threats.htm#DISAPPEARED
May 5
I give up on expecting my brother to help me get the word out about Testament. Last week he was leaving a Beverly Hills restaurant and when he closed the door of his BMW the glass shattered. I’ve told him countless times what bad karma it is to work in the corrupt Hollywood system yet he says he doesn’t know what else to do. I told him that Spirit will help him find other opportunities but I guess he doesn’t believe that. After suggesting he notice Spirit messages/synchronicity over the weekend, Michael told me that his fortune cookie said, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” Tonight I showed him all of my art treasures for Mighael’s Museum, including my “Address delivered at the dedication of the Cemetery at Gettysburg” written and signed by Abraham Lincoln on November 19, 1863. I also reminded him about the parallels in the Dead Sea Scrolls to ‘Thomas the Twin.’ Michael’s had many phenomenal experiences yet when I asked him if he could think of any ways to publicize my book, he replied, “People don’t care. They only care about movie stars.”
Even people who know better than my brother—those who are knowledgeable about scripture and prophecy—still have done nothing to spread the word, as far as I can tell. Who do they think will do it? Why are they behaving this way? Apparently, because it isn’t in what they perceive as being in their best self-interest for this brief ego-lifetime. This weekend I gave a free copy of Testament (as I sometimes do) to the guest speaker at the Philosophical Research Society — this week, Susan G. Shumsky, the author of Divine Revelation. If one can’t understand why God would make His presence known in ‘parlor tricks,’ the truth is that He is making His presence known in everything continuously. Perhaps, he would talk to us directly as he does to certain individuals on occasion if not for this observation of Susan’s: “When we talk to God it’s prayer. When He talks to us it’s schizophrenia.”
I’ve applied for many jobs recently without getting any of them and am very upset about my desperate financial circumstances. I wonder if it’s because of people’s freedom of choice and I’m considered over-qualified in wanting to work in a field other than film publicity, or because God has other plans. It’s easy to sympathize with the desperation and anger of those living without hope. It is greed that prevents the wealthy from manifesting love in the lives of those living in need.
May 7
Today I registered with a third temporary agency because tomorrow will be the tenth day I haven’t worked. On the way home I observed a billboard for a new movie starring George Clooney that featured a gun very prominently. I found it amazing when people expressed shock recently over the series of events where children killed people. Violence is everywhere in the media, from the evening news broadcast that aired recently showing a man killing himself on camera to more glamorous representations such as video games and even superhero cartoon shows. My mother mentioned a TV news survey that said the month’s four main topics were the final “Seinfeld” episode, the film “Titanic,” President Clinton and “The Jerry Springer Show.”
Last night, I was feeling very loving and then suddenly I reverted back to my passive-aggressive tendencies and my beautiful glass cake holder broke. I had balanced it many times in the same spot while retrieving the bagels I usually keep there yet this time it smashed. It might have been just an accident or — ? I told Mighael later that He always knew when I felt sorry for something I had done but I never knew when he did. I keep thinking about how abusive I can be. I tell myself I’m just letting off steam yet I realize there is also a choice we make in what thoughts we accept to project outward. No matter what is the source of such thoughts, by giving voice to them we wound ourselves.
I took a break from reading books about religion and esoteric subjects (or so I thought) when I read a couple of Hollywood biographies, including The Good, The Bad & The Very Ugly: A Hollywood Journey by Sondra Locke. What most surprised me was her experience with cancer. Her doctor tells her, “I have to keep cutting until I have a clean edge . . . You’ll never trust your body again.” Sondra is later informed that her “particular cancer was the type that almost always occurred in both breasts. Would I consider having them both removed during the surgery, even though there was no evidence that my other breast was unhealthy? Did I, in order to keep that breast, want to live my life with a constant anxiety an watchfulness regarding it and most likely have surgery at a later date, or did I want to act aggressively then and there? It was not an easy decision, but after a sleepless night I said, ‘Remove them both.'” Then another doctor insists, “Well, it seems that your slide was picked out randomly and anonymously—your name wasn’t even on it—by the pathology department to test out this new cancer cell detecting dye. And one of two cells on your slide, which was made from the section taken from your lymph nodes, have apparently ‘lit up’ under it. That means those cells might possibly be abnormal cancer cells. And so, I recommend we do some rounds of chemo.” Sandra’s response was “There was nothing to do but have faith [in the doctors] and go forward.”
Unfortunately, a lot of people like Sondra haven’t had any introduction to subjects such as the following presented by the Philosophical Research Society (and, hopefully, available on tape): “Vibrational Healing” (April 14, 1996, Joy Gardner-Gordon), “Mind to Mind Connection” (September 29, 1996, Russell Targ), “Implications of Body-Mind Healing” & “Body Healing and the Implications” & “Mind Body Medicine” (July 27, 1997 & Nov. 16, 1997 & Jan. 25, 1998, Martin L. Rossman, M.D.), “Consciousness and Creative Communication: An Overview” (April 20, 1997, David E. Bresler, Ph.D.), “Psi Healing” (Feb. 22, 1998, Jeffrey Mishlove, Ph.D.), “Holistic Health in Ancient Greece” (March 1, 1998, Evarts G. Loomis, M.D. & Fay Loomis, M.A.), and “The Mind Mastering Meditation” (April 19, 1998, Valerie Hunt, Ed.D.).
Sondra Locke’s experience brought to my mind a recent PRS lecture when an anecdote was given about someone diagnosed with a terminal case of cancer and eventually cured after taking a holistic approach. Someone pointed out to this cancer patient that, ‘Let’s consider your predicament. The only thing you know for sure is that some doctor has just said you have cancer . . .’ Considering how little doctors know about cancer to begin with, why not investigate non-surgical procedures first and alternatives to this very negative form of imagery practiced by the medical profession? I’ve attended many lectures of non-traditional forms of healing and altogether they have proven the medical profession today basically treats symptoms of a disorder. Presenting us with major problems are our deadly food, our deadly environment and our deadly stress.
My vegan diet these days consists predominantly of kamut cereal or oatmeal and fruit/juice for breakfast; salads or pasta and beans with bread and juice/fruit for lunch (a local store has the best salad bar in Los Angeles); and steamed vegetables and bread and juice for dinner. I supplement my diet with tofu and peanuts/low-fat peanut butter. Occasionally, I’ll have non-dairy pizzas and soups. I don’t like spending a lot of time with food preparation so this is a diet that has been successful for me, keeping in mind that I work out with weights/machines at the gym. I usually get eight hours of sleep a night and take an afternoon rest and I feel relaxed and happy the rest of the time (with occasional tantrums about my financial situation).
May 10
Yesterday, I focused on contributing messages to Internet news groups to heighten awareness of Testament. I have sent countless Email messages to journalists and still practically nothing has been written or said about the book. I thought it was ironic seeing an “ABC News” billboard that said something to the effect, ‘If you aren’t told about something, you can’t talk about it.’ I was also disgusted by a movie advertisement in the Sunday Los Angeles Times. (I now only get the newspaper on Sundays and use the Internet to get news during the week in consideration of ecological concerns.) A poster advertisement of DreamWorks Pictures’ “Small Soldiers” shows five grotesque soldiers (toys on steroids?!) that apparently battle with reptilian counterparts in the film. It reminds me how people are comfortable with homosexual innuendo when it is manifested in fantasy violence scenarios. I remember before puberty enjoying comic books with muscular superheroes, not being conscious of what was the entertainment value I was experiencing.
Obadiah Harris reflected today in his PRS lecture how people have stopped considering the repercussions of their actions on others, especially children. He said that when one uses skills and knowledge to one’s own advantage and the disadvantage of others (less skillful or knowledgeable) this is black magic; when used for the common good, this is white magic. John Amos Comenius was mentioned in the matter of how responsibility and ethics are no longer being taught in our schools. Obadiah also said that we should only honor those who benefit the whole human race, which reminded me of the time I asked him if he saw the newspaper photos of the giant Oscars outside of the Shrine auditorium. I said, “And people don’t think golden idols are no longer worshiped?!”
In our ‘say-what-sounds-good-and-do-what’s-best-for-yourself’ society, it’s hard to discern examples of leaders demonstrating responsible, honorable behavior in their actions and deeds. An example I offer myself would be spiritual leaders who preach love as the solution and then don’t share a substantial amount of their earnings with others in need.
Obadiah’s lecture was entitled “The Mother School — What I learned at Mother’s Knee” yet he also revealed that there are lessons where the incentive is something that cannot be taught. His mother was named Eula May (maiden name Thatcher) and she was a very spiritually aware person. Obadiah recounted again the story of how she gave him his name after originally selecting John Paul, explaining mysteriously that he had a divine purpose in the world. “She had a quality of love we can’t understand,” Obadiah said. After the lecture, I told him her quality of love is something that we choose not to understand. He had related anecdotes about how charitable she was, leaving a note for a burglar that he didn’t have to steal anything from the refrigerator because he could have whatever he wanted; and she was even prepared to meet with him and discuss how she could help him further. Other anecdotes involved giving away her new coat and explaining what a wonderful feeling one has giving away something you like and how giving away something you don’t care about really isn’t giving something away at all. Obadiah seemed startled that, later in life, she was still giving away things — even his tangerines to neighbors when he was accustomed to selling them. So Obadiah has a lot in common with most of us in society, he is highly aware spiritually yet he doesn’t have any desire to share a substantial portion of what he has gained over the years, even maintaining a second home in Arizona. Every wisdom tradition teaches us it is better to give than to receive yet Obadiah has no desire to give up what he has acquired over the years. He doesn’t share his mother’s incentive—her capacity to love—and he may not have experienced the joy of sharing that she had tried to bring to him. At the PRS water cooler, one still finds Styrofoam cups despite the knowledge that these are not good for the environment. So the lecture was about ethics and responsibility and lessons and trust yet when you look at Obadiah’s lifestyle, you would be astonished that a “servant of God” (Obadiah’s interpretation of his name) would have taken so much for himself in a society where so many don’t have the bare necessities.
This is a useful metaphor for us because it is easy to understand Obadiah’s proprietary feelings in our capitalistic society. Our entire culture is so slanted at each individual doing what is best and most pleasurable for themselves that many have not experienced the joys of giving (they may say they have yet it is of so superficial a nature that they are deluding themselves.) This observation comes from my own experience — that’s what I had once done. Also, one doesn’t want people to expect that giving to others is not something demanding, not a sacrifice. Giving of one’s self isn’t about getting something so the rewards are of a different nature than those to which one might be accustomed.
I certainly don’t mean to suggest that I am a more giving individual than Obadiah as you, perhaps, can tell. Here I am preoccupied with selling my books and whatever I can to pay my expenses. Sometimes it seems I’m so preoccupied with survival that I haven’t taken the brief amount of time required to do some of the things I could’ve done to help others. For example, I have far too many clothes in the closet I never wear and the only result is that the clothes I do wear become creased because there’s not enough room for them all. I certainly could have contributed some of these to a thrift store.
In all honesty, I have begun to resent my predicament of proving love and appreciation for God as a metaphor for others. I think Job was a Christed one just like Jesus and Moses. It’s interesting how each Christed One’s life has become a specific metaphor when I can find parallels to just about all of the Christed ones in my life. However, unlike Job, I wouldn’t want so much as he kept for himself at the end of his life: “fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses. He had also seven sons and three daughters.”
Today at the supermarket, I was helping Ellen shop and we experienced some phenomena although she would always find some excuse other than Mighael. I returned to the shopping cart with her Resource supplement as she was placing a 12-pack of 7-Up in it. It looked fine until we arrived at the check-out counter and the 7-Up began leaking. I suddenly could discern that there was a large puncture in one of the cans. I told her that Mighael didn’t want her drinking soda because it was bad for her. She said that she just hadn’t checked the package. She didn’t bother to have it replaced, thankfully, as she had other things to drink.
So as I complete this journal entry, I wonder to myself, Is my lack of success due to my feelings and actions? What should I do to make money: continue trying to find employment, sell my books, my comic book collection? Will the world ever be ready for Testament? Will I be able to keep together the collection of art treasures that I hoped would someday be in Mighael’s Museum? Is it an insult to God that one of the trillions of Iotas of His Being should be concerned about what happens to himself and his hopes and dreams when it is more important that his life be the metaphor for others that would best serve God?
May 11
I’ve been having cinematic dreams recently as I occasionally do and last night I had several of them I can remember. One was particularly violent concerning policemen abusing their positions of authority by beating people. Sometimes I realize I’m in a dream and reflect about occurrences in the dreams as I experience them. The night before, my dream was very Hitchcockian and concerned double agents. It ended with a character referring to there being “a shadow of a doubt” about something.
May 14
Anybody who doesn’t think the government has control over journalists should read Newsweek’s coverage of the Lewinsky scandal, which combined fascinating details with absurd spin control for several weeks. There is so much editorializing in articles like these that it is now often impossible to distinguish news magazines from tabloid weeklies. Here are some excerpts from the March 23rd article “What Made Linda Do It?” by Evan Thomas, Martha Brant and Pat Wingert (with Michael Isikoff).
I give up on expecting my brother to help me get the word out about Testament. Last week he was leaving a Beverly Hills restaurant and when he closed the door of his BMW the glass shattered. I’ve told him countless times what bad karma it is to work in the corrupt Hollywood system yet he says he doesn’t know what else to do. I told him that Spirit will help him find other opportunities but I guess he doesn’t believe that. After suggesting he notice Spirit messages/synchronicity over the weekend, Michael told me that his fortune cookie said, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” Tonight I showed him all of my art treasures for Mighael’s Museum, including my “Address delivered at the dedication of the Cemetery at Gettysburg” written and signed by Abraham Lincoln on November 19, 1863. I also reminded him about the parallels in the Dead Sea Scrolls to ‘Thomas the Twin.’ Michael’s had many phenomenal experiences yet when I asked him if he could think of any ways to publicize my book, he replied, “People don’t care. They only care about movie stars.”
Even people who know better than my brother—those who are knowledgeable about scripture and prophecy—still have done nothing to spread the word, as far as I can tell. Who do they think will do it? Why are they behaving this way? Apparently, because it isn’t in what they perceive as being in their best self-interest for this brief ego-lifetime. This weekend I gave a free copy of Testament (as I sometimes do) to the guest speaker at the Philosophical Research Society — this week, Susan G. Shumsky, the author of Divine Revelation. If one can’t understand why God would make His presence known in ‘parlor tricks,’ the truth is that He is making His presence known in everything continuously. Perhaps, he would talk to us directly as he does to certain individuals on occasion if not for this observation of Susan’s: “When we talk to God it’s prayer. When He talks to us it’s schizophrenia.”
I’ve applied for many jobs recently without getting any of them and am very upset about my desperate financial circumstances. I wonder if it’s because of people’s freedom of choice and I’m considered over-qualified in wanting to work in a field other than film publicity, or because God has other plans. It’s easy to sympathize with the desperation and anger of those living without hope. It is greed that prevents the wealthy from manifesting love in the lives of those living in need.
May 7
Today I registered with a third temporary agency because tomorrow will be the tenth day I haven’t worked. On the way home I observed a billboard for a new movie starring George Clooney that featured a gun very prominently. I found it amazing when people expressed shock recently over the series of events where children killed people. Violence is everywhere in the media, from the evening news broadcast that aired recently showing a man killing himself on camera to more glamorous representations such as video games and even superhero cartoon shows. My mother mentioned a TV news survey that said the month’s four main topics were the final “Seinfeld” episode, the film “Titanic,” President Clinton and “The Jerry Springer Show.”
Last night, I was feeling very loving and then suddenly I reverted back to my passive-aggressive tendencies and my beautiful glass cake holder broke. I had balanced it many times in the same spot while retrieving the bagels I usually keep there yet this time it smashed. It might have been just an accident or — ? I told Mighael later that He always knew when I felt sorry for something I had done but I never knew when he did. I keep thinking about how abusive I can be. I tell myself I’m just letting off steam yet I realize there is also a choice we make in what thoughts we accept to project outward. No matter what is the source of such thoughts, by giving voice to them we wound ourselves.
I took a break from reading books about religion and esoteric subjects (or so I thought) when I read a couple of Hollywood biographies, including The Good, The Bad & The Very Ugly: A Hollywood Journey by Sondra Locke. What most surprised me was her experience with cancer. Her doctor tells her, “I have to keep cutting until I have a clean edge . . . You’ll never trust your body again.” Sondra is later informed that her “particular cancer was the type that almost always occurred in both breasts. Would I consider having them both removed during the surgery, even though there was no evidence that my other breast was unhealthy? Did I, in order to keep that breast, want to live my life with a constant anxiety an watchfulness regarding it and most likely have surgery at a later date, or did I want to act aggressively then and there? It was not an easy decision, but after a sleepless night I said, ‘Remove them both.'” Then another doctor insists, “Well, it seems that your slide was picked out randomly and anonymously—your name wasn’t even on it—by the pathology department to test out this new cancer cell detecting dye. And one of two cells on your slide, which was made from the section taken from your lymph nodes, have apparently ‘lit up’ under it. That means those cells might possibly be abnormal cancer cells. And so, I recommend we do some rounds of chemo.” Sandra’s response was “There was nothing to do but have faith [in the doctors] and go forward.”
Unfortunately, a lot of people like Sondra haven’t had any introduction to subjects such as the following presented by the Philosophical Research Society (and, hopefully, available on tape): “Vibrational Healing” (April 14, 1996, Joy Gardner-Gordon), “Mind to Mind Connection” (September 29, 1996, Russell Targ), “Implications of Body-Mind Healing” & “Body Healing and the Implications” & “Mind Body Medicine” (July 27, 1997 & Nov. 16, 1997 & Jan. 25, 1998, Martin L. Rossman, M.D.), “Consciousness and Creative Communication: An Overview” (April 20, 1997, David E. Bresler, Ph.D.), “Psi Healing” (Feb. 22, 1998, Jeffrey Mishlove, Ph.D.), “Holistic Health in Ancient Greece” (March 1, 1998, Evarts G. Loomis, M.D. & Fay Loomis, M.A.), and “The Mind Mastering Meditation” (April 19, 1998, Valerie Hunt, Ed.D.).
Sondra Locke’s experience brought to my mind a recent PRS lecture when an anecdote was given about someone diagnosed with a terminal case of cancer and eventually cured after taking a holistic approach. Someone pointed out to this cancer patient that, ‘Let’s consider your predicament. The only thing you know for sure is that some doctor has just said you have cancer . . .’ Considering how little doctors know about cancer to begin with, why not investigate non-surgical procedures first and alternatives to this very negative form of imagery practiced by the medical profession? I’ve attended many lectures of non-traditional forms of healing and altogether they have proven the medical profession today basically treats symptoms of a disorder. Presenting us with major problems are our deadly food, our deadly environment and our deadly stress.
My vegan diet these days consists predominantly of kamut cereal or oatmeal and fruit/juice for breakfast; salads or pasta and beans with bread and juice/fruit for lunch (a local store has the best salad bar in Los Angeles); and steamed vegetables and bread and juice for dinner. I supplement my diet with tofu and peanuts/low-fat peanut butter. Occasionally, I’ll have non-dairy pizzas and soups. I don’t like spending a lot of time with food preparation so this is a diet that has been successful for me, keeping in mind that I work out with weights/machines at the gym. I usually get eight hours of sleep a night and take an afternoon rest and I feel relaxed and happy the rest of the time (with occasional tantrums about my financial situation).
May 10
Yesterday, I focused on contributing messages to Internet news groups to heighten awareness of Testament. I have sent countless Email messages to journalists and still practically nothing has been written or said about the book. I thought it was ironic seeing an “ABC News” billboard that said something to the effect, ‘If you aren’t told about something, you can’t talk about it.’ I was also disgusted by a movie advertisement in the Sunday Los Angeles Times. (I now only get the newspaper on Sundays and use the Internet to get news during the week in consideration of ecological concerns.) A poster advertisement of DreamWorks Pictures’ “Small Soldiers” shows five grotesque soldiers (toys on steroids?!) that apparently battle with reptilian counterparts in the film. It reminds me how people are comfortable with homosexual innuendo when it is manifested in fantasy violence scenarios. I remember before puberty enjoying comic books with muscular superheroes, not being conscious of what was the entertainment value I was experiencing.
Obadiah Harris reflected today in his PRS lecture how people have stopped considering the repercussions of their actions on others, especially children. He said that when one uses skills and knowledge to one’s own advantage and the disadvantage of others (less skillful or knowledgeable) this is black magic; when used for the common good, this is white magic. John Amos Comenius was mentioned in the matter of how responsibility and ethics are no longer being taught in our schools. Obadiah also said that we should only honor those who benefit the whole human race, which reminded me of the time I asked him if he saw the newspaper photos of the giant Oscars outside of the Shrine auditorium. I said, “And people don’t think golden idols are no longer worshiped?!”
In our ‘say-what-sounds-good-and-do-what’s-best-for-yourself’ society, it’s hard to discern examples of leaders demonstrating responsible, honorable behavior in their actions and deeds. An example I offer myself would be spiritual leaders who preach love as the solution and then don’t share a substantial amount of their earnings with others in need.
Obadiah’s lecture was entitled “The Mother School — What I learned at Mother’s Knee” yet he also revealed that there are lessons where the incentive is something that cannot be taught. His mother was named Eula May (maiden name Thatcher) and she was a very spiritually aware person. Obadiah recounted again the story of how she gave him his name after originally selecting John Paul, explaining mysteriously that he had a divine purpose in the world. “She had a quality of love we can’t understand,” Obadiah said. After the lecture, I told him her quality of love is something that we choose not to understand. He had related anecdotes about how charitable she was, leaving a note for a burglar that he didn’t have to steal anything from the refrigerator because he could have whatever he wanted; and she was even prepared to meet with him and discuss how she could help him further. Other anecdotes involved giving away her new coat and explaining what a wonderful feeling one has giving away something you like and how giving away something you don’t care about really isn’t giving something away at all. Obadiah seemed startled that, later in life, she was still giving away things — even his tangerines to neighbors when he was accustomed to selling them. So Obadiah has a lot in common with most of us in society, he is highly aware spiritually yet he doesn’t have any desire to share a substantial portion of what he has gained over the years, even maintaining a second home in Arizona. Every wisdom tradition teaches us it is better to give than to receive yet Obadiah has no desire to give up what he has acquired over the years. He doesn’t share his mother’s incentive—her capacity to love—and he may not have experienced the joy of sharing that she had tried to bring to him. At the PRS water cooler, one still finds Styrofoam cups despite the knowledge that these are not good for the environment. So the lecture was about ethics and responsibility and lessons and trust yet when you look at Obadiah’s lifestyle, you would be astonished that a “servant of God” (Obadiah’s interpretation of his name) would have taken so much for himself in a society where so many don’t have the bare necessities.
This is a useful metaphor for us because it is easy to understand Obadiah’s proprietary feelings in our capitalistic society. Our entire culture is so slanted at each individual doing what is best and most pleasurable for themselves that many have not experienced the joys of giving (they may say they have yet it is of so superficial a nature that they are deluding themselves.) This observation comes from my own experience — that’s what I had once done. Also, one doesn’t want people to expect that giving to others is not something demanding, not a sacrifice. Giving of one’s self isn’t about getting something so the rewards are of a different nature than those to which one might be accustomed.
I certainly don’t mean to suggest that I am a more giving individual than Obadiah as you, perhaps, can tell. Here I am preoccupied with selling my books and whatever I can to pay my expenses. Sometimes it seems I’m so preoccupied with survival that I haven’t taken the brief amount of time required to do some of the things I could’ve done to help others. For example, I have far too many clothes in the closet I never wear and the only result is that the clothes I do wear become creased because there’s not enough room for them all. I certainly could have contributed some of these to a thrift store.
In all honesty, I have begun to resent my predicament of proving love and appreciation for God as a metaphor for others. I think Job was a Christed one just like Jesus and Moses. It’s interesting how each Christed One’s life has become a specific metaphor when I can find parallels to just about all of the Christed ones in my life. However, unlike Job, I wouldn’t want so much as he kept for himself at the end of his life: “fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses. He had also seven sons and three daughters.”
Today at the supermarket, I was helping Ellen shop and we experienced some phenomena although she would always find some excuse other than Mighael. I returned to the shopping cart with her Resource supplement as she was placing a 12-pack of 7-Up in it. It looked fine until we arrived at the check-out counter and the 7-Up began leaking. I suddenly could discern that there was a large puncture in one of the cans. I told her that Mighael didn’t want her drinking soda because it was bad for her. She said that she just hadn’t checked the package. She didn’t bother to have it replaced, thankfully, as she had other things to drink.
So as I complete this journal entry, I wonder to myself, Is my lack of success due to my feelings and actions? What should I do to make money: continue trying to find employment, sell my books, my comic book collection? Will the world ever be ready for Testament? Will I be able to keep together the collection of art treasures that I hoped would someday be in Mighael’s Museum? Is it an insult to God that one of the trillions of Iotas of His Being should be concerned about what happens to himself and his hopes and dreams when it is more important that his life be the metaphor for others that would best serve God?
May 11
I’ve been having cinematic dreams recently as I occasionally do and last night I had several of them I can remember. One was particularly violent concerning policemen abusing their positions of authority by beating people. Sometimes I realize I’m in a dream and reflect about occurrences in the dreams as I experience them. The night before, my dream was very Hitchcockian and concerned double agents. It ended with a character referring to there being “a shadow of a doubt” about something.
May 14
Anybody who doesn’t think the government has control over journalists should read Newsweek’s coverage of the Lewinsky scandal, which combined fascinating details with absurd spin control for several weeks. There is so much editorializing in articles like these that it is now often impossible to distinguish news magazines from tabloid weeklies. Here are some excerpts from the March 23rd article “What Made Linda Do It?” by Evan Thomas, Martha Brant and Pat Wingert (with Michael Isikoff).
“She was introduced to covert operations through a secretarial job at the U.S. Army Intelligence Command at Fort Meade, Md., in the mid-’80s. . . . she got a job with the top-secret commando unit, Delta Force, so secret she couldn’t describe it on paper. ‘The nature of this position is classified,’ she explains on her resume. Her repeated emphasis on her security clearances causes some eye-rolling at the Pentagon. ‘The people who really deal with secret material would never mention it on their resume,’ said one official. . . . she was distraught by Vince Foster’s suicide in July 1993. Tripp was the last one to see the deputy White House counsel; she brought him lunch hours before he went out and shot himself. Tripp took it upon herself to seal off his office. ‘Maybe it was my background,’ she explained to investigators. ‘I’ve worked on the covert side of the Department of Defense for 15 years.’ . . . Tripp has a sinister explanation for her ouster from the White House: ‘I knew too much about Whitewater,’ she said to her coworkers. . . . Lewinsky was more than eager to hear all of Tripp’s stories about the White House, and Tripp was glad to have an audience. They gossiped about the President and his wandering eye, but it was months before Tripp learned of Lewinsky’s sexual involvement with Clinton. . . . ” One of the article’s photo captions states: “Once an awkward teenager who thrived on being in the know, Tripp loved trading gossip with White House interns like Lewinsky.”
Regarding my hapless financial circumstances when there is a chance of losing everything I have, including Mighael’s museum pieces which I’ve never tried to sell and my website and the first edition copies of Testament that are in storage, the following quotation seems somehow appropriate. From the 1915 anthology The Spirit of Man, the following is attributed to: “Jas. Naylor. A Quaker Saint. This is ‘His last testimony, said to be delivered by him about two hours before his departure.’ From ‘A Collection of Sundry Books, Epistles and Papers,’ &c., London, 1716. It seems to rely on oral tradition. I have followed the text in the Book, except that that has and takes its kingdom, and obtained this resurrection.”
There is a spirit, which I feel, that delights to do no evil nor to revenge any wrong, but delights to endure all things, in hope to enjoy its own in the end. Its hope is to outlive all wrath and contention, and to weary out all exaltation and cruelty, or whatever is a nature contrary to itself. It sees to the end of all temptations: As it bears no evil in itself, so it conceives none in thoughts to any other: If it be betrayed, it bears it; for its ground and spring is the mercies and forgiveness of God. Its crown is meekness, its life is everlasting love unfeigned, and it takes its kingdom with entreaty and not with contention, and keeps it by lowliness of mind. In God alone can it can rejoice, though none else regard it or can own its life. It is conceived in sorrow and brought forth without any to pity it; nor doth it murmur at grief and oppression. It never rejoiceth but through sufferings; for with the world’s joy it is murdered. I found it alone, being forsaken: I have fellowship therein with them who lived in dens and desolate places in the earth; who through death obtained their resurrection and eternal holy life.
May 16
Today, for my journal entry, I am using an unusual format due to the following letter I received from my cousin, Cammille Ferringer and her elementary school class in Pennsylvania. A paper doll of a boy wearing a tie was inserted along with a SASE bearing a familiar green liberty bell.
Dear Mark,
We have just finished reading the story, “Flat Stanley,” by Jeff Brown. It is about a boy named Stanley who gets flattened by his bulletin board when it falls on him during the night. Stanley has to learn to live as a flat boy. In some ways, it is a great way to live. He can go down the sewer to get his mom’s ring, slide under closed doors, fly in the air like a kite, and even travel around the country in an envelope. Flat Stanley becomes a hero when he captures robbers in an Art Museum by pretending to be a picture in an empty frame.
After Stanley becomes a hero he realizes he does not like being different from everyone, so his brother, Arthur, helps him figure out how to be a normal boy again.
We are sending Flat Stanley on some adventures and we would like for you to help us. Please let him spend the day with you. Then write us back to let us know what Stanley did during his trip. We want to know how he spent the day with you.
We have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope so that you can mail Stanley back to us with your letter.
Thank you for letting Stanley have a great vacation. He loves to travel and we can’t wait to hear about his trip and to learn more about the places he visited. Love,
Cammille Ferringer
We have just finished reading the story, “Flat Stanley,” by Jeff Brown. It is about a boy named Stanley who gets flattened by his bulletin board when it falls on him during the night. Stanley has to learn to live as a flat boy. In some ways, it is a great way to live. He can go down the sewer to get his mom’s ring, slide under closed doors, fly in the air like a kite, and even travel around the country in an envelope. Flat Stanley becomes a hero when he captures robbers in an Art Museum by pretending to be a picture in an empty frame.
After Stanley becomes a hero he realizes he does not like being different from everyone, so his brother, Arthur, helps him figure out how to be a normal boy again.
We are sending Flat Stanley on some adventures and we would like for you to help us. Please let him spend the day with you. Then write us back to let us know what Stanley did during his trip. We want to know how he spent the day with you.
We have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope so that you can mail Stanley back to us with your letter.
Thank you for letting Stanley have a great vacation. He loves to travel and we can’t wait to hear about his trip and to learn more about the places he visited. Love,
Cammille Ferringer
Here’s the letter I sent. There are a few big words but that’s why teachers are there.
Dear Cammille and friends,
Flat Stanley emerged from his cramped dark envelope into the dazzling California sunlight today, Saturday morning, not far from the beach in Santa Monica. If he had arrived just a few days earlier, he would have witnessed a most unexpected winter-style storm. This day wasn’t to be one that would provide Stanley a very glamorous image of the West Coast yet we had no premonitions as we breathed in the fresh, salty air.
Your happy letter was accompanied by a sad one from AIDS Project Los Angeles, a community service provider for people in need (where I used to volunteer as a food bank bagger). The letter explained that the NOLP staff was being reduced by over 35% and effective June 1, enrollment of new clients would be limited and there was mentioned “an initial one-year period” when I wasn’t aware of any such time limit being placed on clients before. A copy of the letter being sent to clients was attached and it began, “Our Necessities of Life Program has seen a dramatic increase in the number of clients using the program over the last 18 months.” Having a public relations background, I plan to make sure that the L.A. Times knows about this and might drop a note in the suggestion box about APLA letting the community know when there are operational difficulties as, perhaps, new donations would be made by those who don’t want to see essential services being reduced or lost.
I stopped by the local thrift store to pick up a few recycled magazines and one was National Wildlife (Feb./March issue). An article caught my eye about the pollination crisis and suggested everyone can help just by planting a few flowers or creating artificial nesting sites for bees, which seems like it would be a great class project.
Stanley was with me when I received an alarming call from a neighbor in my high rise. I was told the building managers last week evicted dozens of people for various lease infractions and thereby make room for new residents to whom they could charge higher rent when the rent control laws change in the near future.
We then made our way to the Bodhi Tree, a favorite West L.A. bookstore, as I wanted to check the spelling of a few Native American words from an interview I transcribed the last few days — which reminds me of our shared Mohawk Indian ancestry. Some people think that people with native ancestry are more spiritually aware of the Earth and the bond between all living things, which makes me wonder how all those gambling casinos on reservations came about.
At the book store I was glad to see that only one copy of Testament, which I published last year, was for sale in the used section. There were more than that the last time I visited. Then, I overheard some people discussing the current problem of “a lot of bad $20s going around.” It turns out local cashiers now must closely examine each bill they receive. I also heard, “A lot of people have been getting $20 bills with George Washington’s face on them.”
On the way home, I gave a dollar to an elderly black man carrying a “homeless” sign when I was at a red light passing the touristy Beverly (shopping) Center. He said, “God bless you. Have a good day with the Lord.” Stanley and I would see many more homeless people when we later went for a walk down the world-famous Venice boardwalk that winds alongside the ocean (not many people actually go into the disgusting polluted water anymore).
The Venice boardwalk was definitely the high point of Stanley’s day — full of roller-bladers, bicyclists, joggers, etc. This spot is world-famous for the array of street vendors, including psychics, artists and craftsmen, and street performers. Today, there was disturbing news, however. My friend Novik, an immigrant painter, said that the police had told him earlier that morning they were going to start giving tickets to anyone who didn’t have a license; and Novik knew another artist who had been ticketed earlier in the week. There has been continuous debate over who would be allowed to sell things on the boardwalk because of local vendors’ concerns about unfair competition yet I remember reading about the city council’s assurances that the artists would not be targeted. Apparently, that isn’t the case. It seems that our political representatives have all turned into corporate bureaucrats, saying what sounds good for the journalists and then doing whatever their richest constituents ask of them. I remember when social leaders were the conscience of society, assisting those with the greatest need such as the poor and homeless. I don’t think Stanley has seen before parking meters like the ones outside my building — they run 24 hours a day seven days a week.
When I was in Pennsylvania, I didn’t see any problems like all these so I can see why rural Americans might not realize how difficult life is getting for many big city people during this time when mergers and downsizing continue despite huge corporate profit margins. If Flat Stanley could talk, he’d probably say, “I can’t wait to arrive back home in storybookland!”
Love,Mark
Flat Stanley emerged from his cramped dark envelope into the dazzling California sunlight today, Saturday morning, not far from the beach in Santa Monica. If he had arrived just a few days earlier, he would have witnessed a most unexpected winter-style storm. This day wasn’t to be one that would provide Stanley a very glamorous image of the West Coast yet we had no premonitions as we breathed in the fresh, salty air.
Your happy letter was accompanied by a sad one from AIDS Project Los Angeles, a community service provider for people in need (where I used to volunteer as a food bank bagger). The letter explained that the NOLP staff was being reduced by over 35% and effective June 1, enrollment of new clients would be limited and there was mentioned “an initial one-year period” when I wasn’t aware of any such time limit being placed on clients before. A copy of the letter being sent to clients was attached and it began, “Our Necessities of Life Program has seen a dramatic increase in the number of clients using the program over the last 18 months.” Having a public relations background, I plan to make sure that the L.A. Times knows about this and might drop a note in the suggestion box about APLA letting the community know when there are operational difficulties as, perhaps, new donations would be made by those who don’t want to see essential services being reduced or lost.
I stopped by the local thrift store to pick up a few recycled magazines and one was National Wildlife (Feb./March issue). An article caught my eye about the pollination crisis and suggested everyone can help just by planting a few flowers or creating artificial nesting sites for bees, which seems like it would be a great class project.
Stanley was with me when I received an alarming call from a neighbor in my high rise. I was told the building managers last week evicted dozens of people for various lease infractions and thereby make room for new residents to whom they could charge higher rent when the rent control laws change in the near future.
We then made our way to the Bodhi Tree, a favorite West L.A. bookstore, as I wanted to check the spelling of a few Native American words from an interview I transcribed the last few days — which reminds me of our shared Mohawk Indian ancestry. Some people think that people with native ancestry are more spiritually aware of the Earth and the bond between all living things, which makes me wonder how all those gambling casinos on reservations came about.
At the book store I was glad to see that only one copy of Testament, which I published last year, was for sale in the used section. There were more than that the last time I visited. Then, I overheard some people discussing the current problem of “a lot of bad $20s going around.” It turns out local cashiers now must closely examine each bill they receive. I also heard, “A lot of people have been getting $20 bills with George Washington’s face on them.”
On the way home, I gave a dollar to an elderly black man carrying a “homeless” sign when I was at a red light passing the touristy Beverly (shopping) Center. He said, “God bless you. Have a good day with the Lord.” Stanley and I would see many more homeless people when we later went for a walk down the world-famous Venice boardwalk that winds alongside the ocean (not many people actually go into the disgusting polluted water anymore).
The Venice boardwalk was definitely the high point of Stanley’s day — full of roller-bladers, bicyclists, joggers, etc. This spot is world-famous for the array of street vendors, including psychics, artists and craftsmen, and street performers. Today, there was disturbing news, however. My friend Novik, an immigrant painter, said that the police had told him earlier that morning they were going to start giving tickets to anyone who didn’t have a license; and Novik knew another artist who had been ticketed earlier in the week. There has been continuous debate over who would be allowed to sell things on the boardwalk because of local vendors’ concerns about unfair competition yet I remember reading about the city council’s assurances that the artists would not be targeted. Apparently, that isn’t the case. It seems that our political representatives have all turned into corporate bureaucrats, saying what sounds good for the journalists and then doing whatever their richest constituents ask of them. I remember when social leaders were the conscience of society, assisting those with the greatest need such as the poor and homeless. I don’t think Stanley has seen before parking meters like the ones outside my building — they run 24 hours a day seven days a week.
When I was in Pennsylvania, I didn’t see any problems like all these so I can see why rural Americans might not realize how difficult life is getting for many big city people during this time when mergers and downsizing continue despite huge corporate profit margins. If Flat Stanley could talk, he’d probably say, “I can’t wait to arrive back home in storybookland!”
Love,Mark
The previous night, I received a call from my father. He’s been sending me $40 here and $20 there over the past few months and has been concerned about my inability to find a job like everyone else. Last night, Paul called and asked me to go into the bank and sign an authorization form to have myself taken off our joint bank account. I told him he had to be kidding — the banks are too crowded on Saturdays after all of the mergers. I don’t have the patience to wait in line for a teller. I told him I gave him permission to sign it for me — that’s legal if someone says you can sign the name for you. He shouted at me for a while and then said if I couldn’t get into the bank, “We’ll send you a form in the mail.” I asked who ‘we’ was and he said it was the bank teller and him.
I just realized I made a mistake in the Email I sent Robert Ghost Wolf, who Mighael directed me to contact in a spirit message. I made a big deal out of the ancestry business and it was only after he sent me a reply that I remembered it was Robert Morningsky who I heard talking so many months ago about the prophecy of the descendent of Jesus coming forward.
May 19
I think everybody with computers should use them for news instead of having papers delivered every day. This should be more economical and ecological. I am currently getting the Sunday Los Angeles Times to go through the want ads but will stop when I find a job (if?). I’ve applied to so many jobs that I wanted without any luck, including a gamut of clerical jobs and a position at a nearby hotel to work as a graveyard shift desk clerk. I guess I’m overqualified and the temp job credits aren’t seeming to help. If something doesn’t happen soon, I don’t know what I’m going to do. If I can, I might take a job as a messenger but that won’t pay enough for me to meet my monthly bills. Michael says that Polygram has an opening for a staff writer but he knows I’ve set as the framework of my new responsible life not working in the entertainment industry and contributing to the world’s preoccupation with false glamour and ridiculous fantasy. It isn’t true that if someone wants to work, he or she should always be able to find something — my recent experiences prove that.
In the Sunday newspaper was a highly disturbing yet not surprising story (at least to me) about “Caretakers Routinely Drug Foster Children” by Tracy Weber. Below the headline it says, “State: Psychiatric medication could do irreparable harm, experts say. Often, consent is lacking.”
Here is the beginning of the article.
Children under state protection in California group and foster homes are being drugged with potent, dangerous psychiatric medications, at times just to keep them obedient and docile for overburdened caretakers.
A review of hundreds of confidential court files and prescription records, observations at group homes as well as interviews with judges, attorneys, child welfare workers and doctors across the state, revealed that youngsters are being drugged in combinations that dosages that experts in psychiatric medication say are risky — and can cause irreversible harm.
In part because of a lack of oversight, officials responsible for the children’s welfare say they don’t know how many of the state’s 100,000 foster children are being given mood-altering medications, many of which have never been tested for use on children.
In Los Angeles County—which has nearly half the state’s foster children—dependency court judges last year approved requests to medicate about 4,500 kids. That doesn’t include those drugged with parental consent or those drugged with no consent at all, which experts believe is a significant problem. In addition, a county grand jury found in 1997 that nearly half the group home children it examined were drugged without court or parental consent.
That’s just the beginning of the article. Sub-headings include “Prescription Records Scant or Nonexistent,” “Drugging Without Consent Widespread,” “Some Homes Seem to Sedate All Toddlers” and “Prescribed for Need or for Convenience?”
A review of hundreds of confidential court files and prescription records, observations at group homes as well as interviews with judges, attorneys, child welfare workers and doctors across the state, revealed that youngsters are being drugged in combinations that dosages that experts in psychiatric medication say are risky — and can cause irreversible harm.
In part because of a lack of oversight, officials responsible for the children’s welfare say they don’t know how many of the state’s 100,000 foster children are being given mood-altering medications, many of which have never been tested for use on children.
In Los Angeles County—which has nearly half the state’s foster children—dependency court judges last year approved requests to medicate about 4,500 kids. That doesn’t include those drugged with parental consent or those drugged with no consent at all, which experts believe is a significant problem. In addition, a county grand jury found in 1997 that nearly half the group home children it examined were drugged without court or parental consent.
That’s just the beginning of the article. Sub-headings include “Prescription Records Scant or Nonexistent,” “Drugging Without Consent Widespread,” “Some Homes Seem to Sedate All Toddlers” and “Prescribed for Need or for Convenience?”
The same sources of the dilemmas plaguing society keep recurring and it all comes down to a corrupt power structure and people ruled by self-interest. All human qualities of life continue to be eroded (one example is what has happened to the National Endowment for the Arts) while military budgets without accountability are flourishing. India’s nuclear testing program is the price all must pay in a world society without anything less than a total disarmament plan — and not one just making these programs into clandestine black budget operations.
I’ve decided to add this journal portion to my website so I’ll end it with an interesting observation by William Bramley from his somewhat cynical book of historical conjecture The Gods of Eden: “If a Supreme being wanted to experience another infinity, it had to first create another unique self-aware unit of awareness like itself. So it apparently did just that. But it did not satisfy itself with just one more unit of awareness: it appears to have put out an uncountable number of them so that it could enjoy an almost infinite number of infinities and realities.”
May 23
Today I made a New Consciousness Research Organization presentation board for Testament and went to the Venice boardwalk with as many copies of the book as my Life carrying bag would hold. My friend Novik provided me with a chair and sunscreen, etc. as I found room besides his beautiful paintings to set up my display. This was across from the Titanic store where models occasionally strut their stuff and cause passers-by to stare and ignore everyone else so this may not have been the most advantageous spot. I cringed when a teenager told us, “You have the best view on the boardwalk.” A few people paused to look at the materials I presented, including book covers, book photos, page 86 from the January 7, 1997 issue of Variety, my November 12, 1997 faxes to Art Bell, and photos from magazines of crop circles and Egyptian artifacts, including “the weirdest foot in Egyptian art” from Kom Ombo, movie advertising art for the films “Tommy” and “Vertigo,” and Hubble Space Telescope photo PRC95-45c/ST Sci OPO/November 20, 1995/M.J. McCaughrean (MPIA), C.R. O’Dell (Rice University), NASA.
It made me nervous when I saw policemen and policewomen pass by several times and finally the worst thing possible happened. A policewoman told Novik that they were going to begin enforcing a law that they hadn’t been enforcing and the artists wouldn’t be able to sell their works. I was so shocked and felt so sorry for Novik that I didn’t know what to say. I then went and listened as police told other artists that they couldn’t be there anymore. One policewoman pointed out that the sidewalk was city property, after all. (Can artists sell paintings if they stay on the grass?) One passer-by angrily said that the artists and craftspeople are what made the Venice boardwalk an enriching and cultural experience. The policewoman explained that she didn’t think the absence of the artists would keep anyone from coming. It would me. The Tarot card readers can stay because they were providing a service and Scientology and the other “religious” organizations also were protected yet the artists apparently have no right to be there. She also made a point of stating that the local shop owners paid a great deal of money for the privilege of selling in the vicinity. Her partner couldn’t remember the number of this law and it turned out to be section 42.15.1. When a police car pulled up in front of one of the familiar vendors who sells African crafts, I went over to eavesdrop and was startled to hear the policeman enquiring about an item he was interested in buying and asking questions about where they came from with an almost friendly demeanor. It seemed very intimidating to me yet I don’t think the policeman ever got around to informing this particular vendor he had to leave. I personally think he’s a local hero for providing such rich, cultural artifacts at such affordable prices. I asked a boardwalk regular named Robert, a photographer, if the police had spoken to him and he said they had. It’s very confusing because he revealed that the law is a new one and not an old one as I has been told; and that I might be able to get a copy of it by calling the Los Angeles city attorney’s office. It reminded me of when I was listening to Emma Barwood in Phoenix complaining about all the new laws that were being made, regardless of constitutionality, with the authorities letting them be enforced until someone questioned them. This endless regulation of everything and erosion of personal liberties cannot be what our founding fathers had in mind — or maybe it is if you’re aware of the considerations put forth by Our Dishonest Constitution (1914) by Allan L. Benson. After all, regarding the delegates who attended the constitutional convention:
I’ve decided to add this journal portion to my website so I’ll end it with an interesting observation by William Bramley from his somewhat cynical book of historical conjecture The Gods of Eden: “If a Supreme being wanted to experience another infinity, it had to first create another unique self-aware unit of awareness like itself. So it apparently did just that. But it did not satisfy itself with just one more unit of awareness: it appears to have put out an uncountable number of them so that it could enjoy an almost infinite number of infinities and realities.”
May 23
Today I made a New Consciousness Research Organization presentation board for Testament and went to the Venice boardwalk with as many copies of the book as my Life carrying bag would hold. My friend Novik provided me with a chair and sunscreen, etc. as I found room besides his beautiful paintings to set up my display. This was across from the Titanic store where models occasionally strut their stuff and cause passers-by to stare and ignore everyone else so this may not have been the most advantageous spot. I cringed when a teenager told us, “You have the best view on the boardwalk.” A few people paused to look at the materials I presented, including book covers, book photos, page 86 from the January 7, 1997 issue of Variety, my November 12, 1997 faxes to Art Bell, and photos from magazines of crop circles and Egyptian artifacts, including “the weirdest foot in Egyptian art” from Kom Ombo, movie advertising art for the films “Tommy” and “Vertigo,” and Hubble Space Telescope photo PRC95-45c/ST Sci OPO/November 20, 1995/M.J. McCaughrean (MPIA), C.R. O’Dell (Rice University), NASA.
It made me nervous when I saw policemen and policewomen pass by several times and finally the worst thing possible happened. A policewoman told Novik that they were going to begin enforcing a law that they hadn’t been enforcing and the artists wouldn’t be able to sell their works. I was so shocked and felt so sorry for Novik that I didn’t know what to say. I then went and listened as police told other artists that they couldn’t be there anymore. One policewoman pointed out that the sidewalk was city property, after all. (Can artists sell paintings if they stay on the grass?) One passer-by angrily said that the artists and craftspeople are what made the Venice boardwalk an enriching and cultural experience. The policewoman explained that she didn’t think the absence of the artists would keep anyone from coming. It would me. The Tarot card readers can stay because they were providing a service and Scientology and the other “religious” organizations also were protected yet the artists apparently have no right to be there. She also made a point of stating that the local shop owners paid a great deal of money for the privilege of selling in the vicinity. Her partner couldn’t remember the number of this law and it turned out to be section 42.15.1. When a police car pulled up in front of one of the familiar vendors who sells African crafts, I went over to eavesdrop and was startled to hear the policeman enquiring about an item he was interested in buying and asking questions about where they came from with an almost friendly demeanor. It seemed very intimidating to me yet I don’t think the policeman ever got around to informing this particular vendor he had to leave. I personally think he’s a local hero for providing such rich, cultural artifacts at such affordable prices. I asked a boardwalk regular named Robert, a photographer, if the police had spoken to him and he said they had. It’s very confusing because he revealed that the law is a new one and not an old one as I has been told; and that I might be able to get a copy of it by calling the Los Angeles city attorney’s office. It reminded me of when I was listening to Emma Barwood in Phoenix complaining about all the new laws that were being made, regardless of constitutionality, with the authorities letting them be enforced until someone questioned them. This endless regulation of everything and erosion of personal liberties cannot be what our founding fathers had in mind — or maybe it is if you’re aware of the considerations put forth by Our Dishonest Constitution (1914) by Allan L. Benson. After all, regarding the delegates who attended the constitutional convention:
Most of them were lawyers. Fourteen were land speculators. Twenty-four were money lenders. Eleven were merchants, manufacturers or shippers. Fifteen were slave-holders. Forty of the fifty-five owned public securities. Of these gentlemen, Professor (Charles A.) Beard says:
“It cannot be said, therefore, that the members of the convention were ‘disinterested.’ On the contrary, we are forced to accept the profoundly significant conclusion that they knew through their personal experiences in economic affairs the precise results which the new government that they were setting up was designed to attain.”
“It cannot be said, therefore, that the members of the convention were ‘disinterested.’ On the contrary, we are forced to accept the profoundly significant conclusion that they knew through their personal experiences in economic affairs the precise results which the new government that they were setting up was designed to attain.”
Two of Novik’s friends who were ticketed, Abraham and RaRa, are scheduled to be in court on June 4. I didn’t know what to say to Novik who is barely getting by from week to week and told him that I would call local newspaper editors to tell them about this yet I no longer have expectations when it comes to hoping journalists will report anything other than what people in authority tell them to. This subject came up last week when I was telling my friend Cliff, a freelancer, about APLA food bank service cutbacks, hoping that he would find a way to report on the subject yet he didn’t ask for me to fax him the letters I’d received from APLA as I’d hoped. You would think a community service agency would let the community know about financial difficulties before reducing or ending services. Cliff said he couldn’t explain the malaise of journalists and said maybe it was because everyone is doing well financially so why do anything that could upset the status quo? He even said, “Maybe I’m part of the problem.” I replied, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”
I spoke with Novik about other possible ways for selling his work yet I felt this was all so pointless because he was interfering with no one by being a boardwalk artisan and I’d seen so many people pause and enjoy his beautiful, passionate work. It reminded him of an experience he had in Russia before glasnost when Russian police destroyed his paintings, beat him up and jailed him for showing his works. He pointed out that such a thing is unthinkable in Europe. He also said that the United States was becoming just like Russia except here people kill you by smiling at you and ordering you to go somewhere else.
So I was asking people who seemed interested in my presentation board if they would like to make a donation for a copy of the book. While no one made a donation, I did gave two copies away to people who seemed like they would, in fact, read the book. Here is what I faxed to Art Bell on November 12, 1997.
I spoke with Novik about other possible ways for selling his work yet I felt this was all so pointless because he was interfering with no one by being a boardwalk artisan and I’d seen so many people pause and enjoy his beautiful, passionate work. It reminded him of an experience he had in Russia before glasnost when Russian police destroyed his paintings, beat him up and jailed him for showing his works. He pointed out that such a thing is unthinkable in Europe. He also said that the United States was becoming just like Russia except here people kill you by smiling at you and ordering you to go somewhere else.
So I was asking people who seemed interested in my presentation board if they would like to make a donation for a copy of the book. While no one made a donation, I did gave two copies away to people who seemed like they would, in fact, read the book. Here is what I faxed to Art Bell on November 12, 1997.
To: ART BELLRe: EDGAR CAYCEFrom: MARK IN SANTA MONICA
Art—to be generous—there have been incorrect interpretations of Cayce’s prophecies; to be precise one should look to the transcript record of the Cayce channelings to see that the correct interpretation of the re-opening of the Hall of Records is metaphorical in nature.
From Supplement #57
(PREHISTORY, Egypt — July 1, 1932 reading)
A-15. (excerpt)
With the storehouse, or record house (where the records are still to be uncovered), there is a chamber or passage from the right forepaw to this entrance of the record chamber, or record tomb. This may not be entered without an understanding, for those that were left as guards may not be passed until after a period of their regeneration in the Mount, or the fifth root race begins.
In the building of the pyramid, and that which is now called the Mystery of Mysteries, this was intended to be a memorial — as would be termed today — to that counselor who ruled or governed, or who acted in the capacity of the director in the material things in the land. With the return of the priest (as it had been stopped), this was later — by Isis, the queen, or the daughter of Ra — turned so as to present to those peoples in that land the relationships of man and the animal or carnal world with those changes that fade or fall away in their various effect. These may be seen in a different manner presented in many of the various sphinxes, as called, in other portions of the land — as the lion with the man, the various forms of wing, or characterizations in their varied developments. These were as presentations of those projections that had been handed down in their various developments of that which becomes man — as in the present.
We are through.
Q-8 What is the significance of the empty Sarcophagi?
A-8 That there will be no more death. Don’t misunderstand or misunderstood or misinterpret! but the interpretation of death will be made plain.—to be generous—there have been incorrect interpretations of Cayce’s prophecies; to be precise one should look to the transcript record of the Cayce channelings to see that the correct interpretation of the re-opening of the Hall of Records is metaphorical in nature.
From Supplement #57
(PREHISTORY, Egypt — July 1, 1932 reading)
A-15. (excerpt)
With the storehouse, or record house (where the records are still to be uncovered), there is a chamber or passage from the right forepaw to this entrance of the record chamber, or record tomb. This may not be entered without an understanding, for those that were left as guards may not be passed until after a period of their regeneration in the Mount, or the fifth root race begins.
In the building of the pyramid, and that which is now called the Mystery of Mysteries, this was intended to be a memorial — as would be termed today — to that counselor who ruled or governed, or who acted in the capacity of the director in the material things in the land. With the return of the priest (as it had been stopped), this was later — by Isis, the queen, or the daughter of Ra — turned so as to present to those peoples in that land the relationships of man and the animal or carnal world with those changes that fade or fall away in their various effect. These may be seen in a different manner presented in many of the various sphinxes, as called, in other portions of the land — as the lion with the man, the various forms of wing, or characterizations in their varied developments. These were as presentations of those projections that had been handed down in their various developments of that which becomes man — as in the present.
We are through.
Q-8 What is the significance of the empty Sarcophagi?
A-8 That there will be no more death. Don’t misunderstand or misunderstood or misinterpret! but the interpretation of death will be made plain.
To: ART BELLRe: EDGAR CAYCEFrom: MARK RUSSELL BELL IN SANTA MONICA
Art, in follow-up to my previous fax re: Edgar Cayce from Supplement #57
(PREHISTORY, Egypt — July 1, 1932 reading), the A-15 excerpt does, in fact, read as “root race” and not “foot race.” I’m not certain whether or not this is a typo as it is found in more than one instance in the transcripts. I suggest you get a hold of the entire supplement #57 because so much is explained that isn’t found in secondary sources.
What people fail to comprehend about Edgar Cayce is that he was a sleeping prophet and would channel an amassing of spirits who communicated information he himself would later never remember. They would end each session “We are through” — sometimes adding comments like “Love ye one another” and “Give as ye have received.”
By the way, yesterday was an eventful day (volunteer work, etc.) and I apologize for the typo found in the A-8 quote from the July 1, 1932 session. I repeat it here after correcting it and also add Q&A-7, which I’m sure you’ll find interesting.
Q-8 What is the significance of the empty Sarcophagi?
A-8 That there will be no more death. Don’t misunderstand or misinterpret! but the interpretation of death will be made plain.
Q-7 What definite details are indicated as to what will happen after we enter the period of the King’s Chamber?
A-7 When the bridegroom is at hand, all do rejoice. When we enter that understanding of being in the King’s presence, with that of the mental seeking, the joy, the buoyancy, the new understanding, the new life, through the period.
Art, re: “bridegroom” — do you remember “Star Trek: The Motion Picture”?!
In any case, Zecharia Sitchin’s The Wars of Gods and Men chronicles “a pre-Christian Mysterium dealing with the death and resurrection of a god, and thus an earlier Christ tale.” (P. 224 of The Wars of Gods and Men). Sitchin equates this individual identified as Bel-Marduk or Marduk by Mesopotamian texts with Egypt’s Ra or Amen-Ra/Amun-Ra. A contemporary repetition of these events on a metaphorical level affords a reader to expand their consciousness; thus, the ‘uncovering’ of the Hall of Records. In this way, the Hall of Records is located at:
http://testament.org
Art—to be generous—there have been incorrect interpretations of Cayce’s prophecies; to be precise one should look to the transcript record of the Cayce channelings to see that the correct interpretation of the re-opening of the Hall of Records is metaphorical in nature.
From Supplement #57
(PREHISTORY, Egypt — July 1, 1932 reading)
A-15. (excerpt)
With the storehouse, or record house (where the records are still to be uncovered), there is a chamber or passage from the right forepaw to this entrance of the record chamber, or record tomb. This may not be entered without an understanding, for those that were left as guards may not be passed until after a period of their regeneration in the Mount, or the fifth root race begins.
In the building of the pyramid, and that which is now called the Mystery of Mysteries, this was intended to be a memorial — as would be termed today — to that counselor who ruled or governed, or who acted in the capacity of the director in the material things in the land. With the return of the priest (as it had been stopped), this was later — by Isis, the queen, or the daughter of Ra — turned so as to present to those peoples in that land the relationships of man and the animal or carnal world with those changes that fade or fall away in their various effect. These may be seen in a different manner presented in many of the various sphinxes, as called, in other portions of the land — as the lion with the man, the various forms of wing, or characterizations in their varied developments. These were as presentations of those projections that had been handed down in their various developments of that which becomes man — as in the present.
We are through.
Q-8 What is the significance of the empty Sarcophagi?
A-8 That there will be no more death. Don’t misunderstand or misunderstood or misinterpret! but the interpretation of death will be made plain.—to be generous—there have been incorrect interpretations of Cayce’s prophecies; to be precise one should look to the transcript record of the Cayce channelings to see that the correct interpretation of the re-opening of the Hall of Records is metaphorical in nature.
From Supplement #57
(PREHISTORY, Egypt — July 1, 1932 reading)
A-15. (excerpt)
With the storehouse, or record house (where the records are still to be uncovered), there is a chamber or passage from the right forepaw to this entrance of the record chamber, or record tomb. This may not be entered without an understanding, for those that were left as guards may not be passed until after a period of their regeneration in the Mount, or the fifth root race begins.
In the building of the pyramid, and that which is now called the Mystery of Mysteries, this was intended to be a memorial — as would be termed today — to that counselor who ruled or governed, or who acted in the capacity of the director in the material things in the land. With the return of the priest (as it had been stopped), this was later — by Isis, the queen, or the daughter of Ra — turned so as to present to those peoples in that land the relationships of man and the animal or carnal world with those changes that fade or fall away in their various effect. These may be seen in a different manner presented in many of the various sphinxes, as called, in other portions of the land — as the lion with the man, the various forms of wing, or characterizations in their varied developments. These were as presentations of those projections that had been handed down in their various developments of that which becomes man — as in the present.
We are through.
Q-8 What is the significance of the empty Sarcophagi?
A-8 That there will be no more death. Don’t misunderstand or misunderstood or misinterpret! but the interpretation of death will be made plain.
To: ART BELLRe: EDGAR CAYCEFrom: MARK RUSSELL BELL IN SANTA MONICA
Art, in follow-up to my previous fax re: Edgar Cayce from Supplement #57
(PREHISTORY, Egypt — July 1, 1932 reading), the A-15 excerpt does, in fact, read as “root race” and not “foot race.” I’m not certain whether or not this is a typo as it is found in more than one instance in the transcripts. I suggest you get a hold of the entire supplement #57 because so much is explained that isn’t found in secondary sources.
What people fail to comprehend about Edgar Cayce is that he was a sleeping prophet and would channel an amassing of spirits who communicated information he himself would later never remember. They would end each session “We are through” — sometimes adding comments like “Love ye one another” and “Give as ye have received.”
By the way, yesterday was an eventful day (volunteer work, etc.) and I apologize for the typo found in the A-8 quote from the July 1, 1932 session. I repeat it here after correcting it and also add Q&A-7, which I’m sure you’ll find interesting.
Q-8 What is the significance of the empty Sarcophagi?
A-8 That there will be no more death. Don’t misunderstand or misinterpret! but the interpretation of death will be made plain.
Q-7 What definite details are indicated as to what will happen after we enter the period of the King’s Chamber?
A-7 When the bridegroom is at hand, all do rejoice. When we enter that understanding of being in the King’s presence, with that of the mental seeking, the joy, the buoyancy, the new understanding, the new life, through the period.
Art, re: “bridegroom” — do you remember “Star Trek: The Motion Picture”?!
In any case, Zecharia Sitchin’s The Wars of Gods and Men chronicles “a pre-Christian Mysterium dealing with the death and resurrection of a god, and thus an earlier Christ tale.” (P. 224 of The Wars of Gods and Men). Sitchin equates this individual identified as Bel-Marduk or Marduk by Mesopotamian texts with Egypt’s Ra or Amen-Ra/Amun-Ra. A contemporary repetition of these events on a metaphorical level affords a reader to expand their consciousness; thus, the ‘uncovering’ of the Hall of Records. In this way, the Hall of Records is located at:
http://testament.org
After writing this journal entry, look what I found on the Internet.
NEW YORK (AP) — A city panel has voted to bar sidewalk vendors from large swaths of a city where food vending has for generations been a way immigrants start out in business, The New York Times reported Sunday.
The ban affects vendors on 144 blocks, including the entire financial district and a large part of midtown, and may be enlarged later, the paper said.
At least 350 carts will be affected, according to the city’s biggest vending group — more than 10 percent of the 3,100 carts licensed.
“I can see fights,” said Dan Rossi, vice president of the Big Apple Food Vendors Association. “People will be trying to raise their families.”
Beginning in two months, carts in targeted areas will be banned from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m., their most lucrative hours, the paper said.
The measure is designed to improve safety, ease congestion and keep the business districts running smoothly, aides to the mayor said.
“It’s a rule of reason” Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said. “That’s part of living in a civilized city, as opposed to a place that’s chaotic.”
AP-NY-05-23-98 2316EDT
Copyright © Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistribut
The ban affects vendors on 144 blocks, including the entire financial district and a large part of midtown, and may be enlarged later, the paper said.
At least 350 carts will be affected, according to the city’s biggest vending group — more than 10 percent of the 3,100 carts licensed.
“I can see fights,” said Dan Rossi, vice president of the Big Apple Food Vendors Association. “People will be trying to raise their families.”
Beginning in two months, carts in targeted areas will be banned from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m., their most lucrative hours, the paper said.
The measure is designed to improve safety, ease congestion and keep the business districts running smoothly, aides to the mayor said.
“It’s a rule of reason” Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said. “That’s part of living in a civilized city, as opposed to a place that’s chaotic.”
AP-NY-05-23-98 2316EDT
Copyright © Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistribut
May 26
Today I called the local Better Business Bureau. I’m at the stage where I see so much greed and exploitation that I think ignoring the bad or letting it go unchallenged is to contribute to it. What happened is last Thursday I called a few local computer stores offering repair services because my printer became inoperable after a label jammed the machine. A young woman at the nearby Computer Palace said it probably wouldn’t cost more than $50 and the technician would inspect the machine and then call me. Today I called back to find out if someone had looked at the machine yet and was told that the repairs had been done and the total cost came to $189, a figure that included a new toner cartridge. I spoke to the manager, Navid Soluk, and told him I had never been offered a price quote nor authorized repairs to be made and would pick up my machine and take it somewhere else. He said I would have to pay a diagnostic fee, which was something else I had never been informed about and which I informed him I would not pay under the circumstances.
When I called the local Better Business Bureau, I was startled to hear a taped message instruct me that the price of my call would cost $3.80 for the first four minutes and 95 cents for each additional minute with a maximum charge not more than $9 and some cents?! I explained to the representative, Rosa Tinoco, what happened and she said that she would send a complaint letter to the store and it usually took approximately three weeks for stores to respond. Since this local office doesn’t really have any authority, Rosa provided me with the 800 number for a state office involved with licensing. I thanked her and asked her for her last name as I was a journalist and sometimes wrote about my experiences. I then called the state office and a woman named Doris wrote down my address and told me she would send me a Bureau of Electronic and Appliance Repair complaint form to fill out.
When I went by the store not more than a couple hours later to see if I would be able to have my machine back, the manager refused to release it to me unless I paid the diagnostic fee. When I looked at it, the old toner cartridge was still inside my machine. It didn’t look like it had been worked on and the manager commented that the repairman had already returned the old, damaged roller to the machine. He said the diagnostic fee was documented by a sign inside the store. Before leaving, I asked to see the sign and he pointed to a piece of paper behind a counter in another section of the store.
What makes me so upset about all of this is how brazen people can be in taking advantage of others. I have a copy of the receipt given to me by the store when I dropped off the printer and, proving my circumstances, all it states is my name, address and telephone number along with the make, model and serial number of the machine. The only time I can remember when calling a government office seemed to help was when I complained about my cable television service years ago when I did watch TV. About twenty years ago, after my Plymouth Horizon had been stalling for months and none of the expensive repair bills had corrected the problem, I found out a part was missing and ended up filing a claim with the state Bureau of Automotive Repair. In the course of the proceedings, the dealership made an offer that I thought was ridiculously paltry. The dealership ended up reimbursing me an amount even smaller than this after my counselor told me that there was nothing I could do and confided that she had a good ongoing relationship with the dealer.
For job application letters, I’ve been having to use my brother’s printer or paying a fee for using the printer at the local Kinko’s store.
Another ridiculous situation occurred yesterday at the gym. I went at a time I usually don’t go and there was an aerobics class in the room where mats are available for abdominal exercises. In the past, I once found one of these mats in the other room and used it for sit-ups in the corner. Monday, I saw a mat that had been left near the door of the room so I took it to the other room. When I returned it, a gym staff member inside the room huffily told me that the rules determined that I couldn’t take mats out of the room while classes were going on. What really ticked me off was her indignant attitude as if my use of the mat had been a personal affront to her. I learned that in order for me to suggest that a few mats be made available for gym members outside of this room during classes, I’d have to speak to the manager who wasn’t available yesterday.
I personally don’t think it’s possible for people to embrace spiritual cliches such as “Love Your Neighbor” when constantly faced with disregard and bad will from others in the most routine of circumstances. Perhaps, a more realistic goal for humanity would be to “Show Other People The Simple Good Will, Respect and Courtesy that You Would Want to Receive from Them” (if the situation was reversed). Spiritual messages like “Love Your Neighbor” are wonderful aspirations but in the stark reality of our self-preoccupied lives, not all of our neighbors will show a capacity for “love.”
Today I also called the L.A. City Attorney’s office about the mew Municipal Section 42.15.1 dated May 4, 1998. Upon asking where I could get a copy of this information, I was directed to leave a message for the assistant city attorney, Mark Brown, who drafted the ordinance. At the end of the day, I called back and he wasn’t available but I was referred to Hank Morris, who told me I could obtain the information I needed from the City Clerk’s office downtown or by calling a number he provided me. I also left a voice mail message for a local weekly newspaper editor about possibly contributing freelance articles and mentioned some of my ideas. Now at the end of another day, my perspective is that I may not be able to afford the time allocated to all these notions and endeavors in my present financial circumstances.
After writing the preceding paragraphs, I began reflecting about other situations like these that confronted me recently. I remembered the time at the post office when I put five dollars into the machine and didn’t receive my stamps. There was a long line of people waiting yet the postal clerk gave me another bill to try. I told him that I didn’t want to use the machine again but he made it clear that in order for me to receive the money back I had to do it his way. What the machine delivered wasn’t my initial choice so I gave him the stamps and he gave me a form to fill out. After all that, I never was reimbursed the money. I also checked with my credit card company to see if Net-Link Solutions had reimbursed my the $12 refund they had promised if I canceled my subscription to news.supernews.com within thirty days. They hadn’t. I’m still not sure what the subscription is for but I thought I’d accept the free trial offer during the period when I was trying to promote awareness of Testament by leaving messages at as many news groups as possible. (No, none of the flaming hate mail I received in return ever bothered me except “evil always destroys itself.”) I’ll try calling Net-Link Solutions tomorrow, I guess. This is what can be expected in a society where people use whatever authority they possess to cheat others or make themselves feel important. The selfish preoccupation with ego gratification (rather than considering what’s right, what’s just, what’s best for all people) is reflected in the current Bodhi Tree bestseller list with such titles as Spiritual Warrior, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life, Don’t Worry, Make Money, and The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams. Spirituality has become just as commercialized as the fiction market. What personal dreams are more important than attempting to help others and return love to God? However, don’t let this sentiment make you believe I’m complacent in the face of all the petty foibles I’m sure we all encounter.
May 27
Today was a very chaotic day. I filled out a job application in Marina Del Ray and then continued looking for possible employment, faxing my resume and writing cover letters. (Tomorrow I’ll go to Kinko’s with a disk and print them out.) I spoke to a used book dealer and am sending him my list (I never heard back from any of the others I send it to). I missed a call in the morning when I was in the shower and no message was left so I checked with the one temp agency I thought might have called but never heard anything back. I called a temp agency I hadn’t contacted before and asked if they would, in fact, be able to place me in assignments if I registered with them and performed well on the tests. I was instructed to send my resume and they would call me back to schedule an appointment. I saw an ad for a company where I previously applied and called them. I was told to bring by an updated resume. I also called up about the amended ordinance (they’re mailing me a copy for a small expense) and called up news.supernews.com and spoke to Anna who said she’d call me back but didn’t so I called her back and asked for an Email address where I could send a copy of my previous cancellation message. I didn’t hear back from the newspaper editor. In-between these activities, I realized that my book placard needed to say something to be noticed and came up with “GOD has channeled a new TESTAMENT for mankind” (and later revised it to simply “a new TESTAMENT for mankind”). Although I don’t think I’ll go back because it reminds me of Nazi Germany when people let the Jews be victimized and continued their lives as usual. (I guess I will go back if I can find an inexpensive easel of some sort because I really don’t have a choice other than trying to do something.) At the end of the day, my telephone finally rang and I picked up to find the caller was the repairman from Computer Palace. I guess the letter from the local Better Business Bureau arrived because he was very apologetic and wanted to work things out. He said the cost would be $55 and $30 for an $85 total, not including the new toner cartridge required. (I plan to make sure I get my toner cartridge back and see if it still works or not for myself.) I said that this figure would be acceptable although I have no idea how much work is required to repair a machine after this kind of problem. It seems like everyone’s always trying to overcharge everyone about everything although everything seems too expensive (hourly rates, repair costs, etc.) when you’re in as much debt as I am. The repairman said his name was Ray Sirati which I thought was a good omen and he specified I would be able to pick up the printer tomorrow but I’m supposed to call first. Last night, my brother said that if he and Steve get the new house they want to buy, there’s a small room in back I can have if need be. My mother put forward her idea of moving in with me to help with expenses but I don’t think that’s allowable under the lease although the management never gave me a copy so I don’t know what is and isn’t permissible. I couldn’t imagine life again hearing the drone of the TV set all day and night with the especially shrill and soul-killing commercials. I love living in my rent control apartment here and even two of the elevators have been renovated but I don’t know how much longer I can afford it. Paul hasn’t telephoned me since asking if I had gone by the bank to fill out the form; I then called him a creep and hung up on him. One of the new articles at www.sightings.com concerns allegations of evidence that the CIA has been linked to Princess Diana’s death. One hardly ever knows what the truth is behind anything because justice is all a matter of perspective. It’s comforting to know that no one can cover up anything from God.
It’s one thing to surrender your life and will to God. I still find many things difficult to accept — such as never knowing for certain what’s the best course of action with each decision. In some ways, God is my own personal invention because it’s impossible to understand the Unknowable. I still find it hard to accept when things don’t happen the way I would like and feel betrayed. This is probably a betrayal as well but, after all, I only have my consciousness in experiencing the world. I sometimes resent being just one iota of God among countless trillions of other iotas with God collectively feeling all things at any one moment
Sometimes I am jealous of those who can still have their own dreams although that seems superficial. I no longer know what to hope or dream for beyond whatever’s best for God although I can never know what that is. None of these fleeting impressions truly captures how I feel. I feel selfish desires for wanting to experience life without anxiety as I once did. I feel trust and distrust simultaneously. The last time I cried I was thinking about what most people think is love is probably just self-pity. I’m so used to observing other people place their hopes and illusions in other people or possessions or careers or money. I spend my time reflecting about God so He becomes the object for my illusions, caring — and also cursing, threatening and anger. These moods are too thankless to perpetuate for long periods of time yet that’s something I sometimes find myself attempting. I never felt these emotions when I felt momentary security in my life despite my knowing now that God is my only true security. When you hear the figure of speech “freedom of choice,” it implies that you sometimes choose something you want and even know what you want in the first place. If this work achieves anything, I hope people will give more thought to using or accepting trite spiritual cliches. I’m glad I can be honest about my ever-changing emotions. I don’t think it is possible to be at peace in a world with so much misery and injustice. Yet what one finds often being promoted is the notion of personal happiness, fulfillment and enlightenment (usually with the emphasis on materialistic concerns).
May 28
I’m going to stop this journal like I stopped the audio cassettes. No one else in the world seems to care about giving back to God; all they want to do is take all that they can for themselves and do this regardless of the fact that if human beings don’t do something to change the way things are, they will experience the mass suicide they are already participating in. There will be a nuclear explosion. They will have Mad Cow Disease (if they don’t have it already). There will be war as disenfranchised countries try to sustain the lives of their citizens. People don’t want to demonstrate love to God. They don’t want to know about what’s wrong with the food they eat and that they themselves must bear their part in the destruction of the environment. They preoccupy themselves with cover-ups, shopping, partying, pretending to be in love or fantasizing vicariously (T.V., movies, novels, sports, pornography), changing the way they look, taking drugs, smoking, drinking, eating foods that have no nutritious value, collecting things, going to church, exercising, traveling, pretending that they have new answers, and making plans to do all of these things further.
It seems ridiculous to me to write about the foibles of people when the way I and this book/website has been dismissed is the most glaring indictment of all. Truth is always obvious yet it might not be the one we wanted.
Today radio newscasts were more preoccupied with the murder/suicide of a TV star and his wife than they were about nuclear bomb testing in Pakistan. Am I the only person on Earth capable of believing in God and trying to prevent Him for taking Their own life? Sometimes, my predicament is worse than any conceivable hell — I wish to share evidence of God’s love but no one wants this evidence. They pretend or perhaps really don’t understand why this would be something that would concern them.
I went by APLA today and there were Southern California Hotline cards at the front desk. And now the same thing that happened to the Hotline is happening to the rest of APLA and the people in charge of the organization don’t care what happens — don’t try to preserve other people’s jobs because it’s only too obvious that their only concern is collecting their own paycheck. My friend Pat told me there was a recent article in a local magazine that revealed that chief executive officer James Loyce, Jr. makes more than $200,000 a year. Who says that APLA is a non-profit organization? Here is the contents of what I placed in the suggestion box:
Today I called the local Better Business Bureau. I’m at the stage where I see so much greed and exploitation that I think ignoring the bad or letting it go unchallenged is to contribute to it. What happened is last Thursday I called a few local computer stores offering repair services because my printer became inoperable after a label jammed the machine. A young woman at the nearby Computer Palace said it probably wouldn’t cost more than $50 and the technician would inspect the machine and then call me. Today I called back to find out if someone had looked at the machine yet and was told that the repairs had been done and the total cost came to $189, a figure that included a new toner cartridge. I spoke to the manager, Navid Soluk, and told him I had never been offered a price quote nor authorized repairs to be made and would pick up my machine and take it somewhere else. He said I would have to pay a diagnostic fee, which was something else I had never been informed about and which I informed him I would not pay under the circumstances.
When I called the local Better Business Bureau, I was startled to hear a taped message instruct me that the price of my call would cost $3.80 for the first four minutes and 95 cents for each additional minute with a maximum charge not more than $9 and some cents?! I explained to the representative, Rosa Tinoco, what happened and she said that she would send a complaint letter to the store and it usually took approximately three weeks for stores to respond. Since this local office doesn’t really have any authority, Rosa provided me with the 800 number for a state office involved with licensing. I thanked her and asked her for her last name as I was a journalist and sometimes wrote about my experiences. I then called the state office and a woman named Doris wrote down my address and told me she would send me a Bureau of Electronic and Appliance Repair complaint form to fill out.
When I went by the store not more than a couple hours later to see if I would be able to have my machine back, the manager refused to release it to me unless I paid the diagnostic fee. When I looked at it, the old toner cartridge was still inside my machine. It didn’t look like it had been worked on and the manager commented that the repairman had already returned the old, damaged roller to the machine. He said the diagnostic fee was documented by a sign inside the store. Before leaving, I asked to see the sign and he pointed to a piece of paper behind a counter in another section of the store.
What makes me so upset about all of this is how brazen people can be in taking advantage of others. I have a copy of the receipt given to me by the store when I dropped off the printer and, proving my circumstances, all it states is my name, address and telephone number along with the make, model and serial number of the machine. The only time I can remember when calling a government office seemed to help was when I complained about my cable television service years ago when I did watch TV. About twenty years ago, after my Plymouth Horizon had been stalling for months and none of the expensive repair bills had corrected the problem, I found out a part was missing and ended up filing a claim with the state Bureau of Automotive Repair. In the course of the proceedings, the dealership made an offer that I thought was ridiculously paltry. The dealership ended up reimbursing me an amount even smaller than this after my counselor told me that there was nothing I could do and confided that she had a good ongoing relationship with the dealer.
For job application letters, I’ve been having to use my brother’s printer or paying a fee for using the printer at the local Kinko’s store.
Another ridiculous situation occurred yesterday at the gym. I went at a time I usually don’t go and there was an aerobics class in the room where mats are available for abdominal exercises. In the past, I once found one of these mats in the other room and used it for sit-ups in the corner. Monday, I saw a mat that had been left near the door of the room so I took it to the other room. When I returned it, a gym staff member inside the room huffily told me that the rules determined that I couldn’t take mats out of the room while classes were going on. What really ticked me off was her indignant attitude as if my use of the mat had been a personal affront to her. I learned that in order for me to suggest that a few mats be made available for gym members outside of this room during classes, I’d have to speak to the manager who wasn’t available yesterday.
I personally don’t think it’s possible for people to embrace spiritual cliches such as “Love Your Neighbor” when constantly faced with disregard and bad will from others in the most routine of circumstances. Perhaps, a more realistic goal for humanity would be to “Show Other People The Simple Good Will, Respect and Courtesy that You Would Want to Receive from Them” (if the situation was reversed). Spiritual messages like “Love Your Neighbor” are wonderful aspirations but in the stark reality of our self-preoccupied lives, not all of our neighbors will show a capacity for “love.”
Today I also called the L.A. City Attorney’s office about the mew Municipal Section 42.15.1 dated May 4, 1998. Upon asking where I could get a copy of this information, I was directed to leave a message for the assistant city attorney, Mark Brown, who drafted the ordinance. At the end of the day, I called back and he wasn’t available but I was referred to Hank Morris, who told me I could obtain the information I needed from the City Clerk’s office downtown or by calling a number he provided me. I also left a voice mail message for a local weekly newspaper editor about possibly contributing freelance articles and mentioned some of my ideas. Now at the end of another day, my perspective is that I may not be able to afford the time allocated to all these notions and endeavors in my present financial circumstances.
After writing the preceding paragraphs, I began reflecting about other situations like these that confronted me recently. I remembered the time at the post office when I put five dollars into the machine and didn’t receive my stamps. There was a long line of people waiting yet the postal clerk gave me another bill to try. I told him that I didn’t want to use the machine again but he made it clear that in order for me to receive the money back I had to do it his way. What the machine delivered wasn’t my initial choice so I gave him the stamps and he gave me a form to fill out. After all that, I never was reimbursed the money. I also checked with my credit card company to see if Net-Link Solutions had reimbursed my the $12 refund they had promised if I canceled my subscription to news.supernews.com within thirty days. They hadn’t. I’m still not sure what the subscription is for but I thought I’d accept the free trial offer during the period when I was trying to promote awareness of Testament by leaving messages at as many news groups as possible. (No, none of the flaming hate mail I received in return ever bothered me except “evil always destroys itself.”) I’ll try calling Net-Link Solutions tomorrow, I guess. This is what can be expected in a society where people use whatever authority they possess to cheat others or make themselves feel important. The selfish preoccupation with ego gratification (rather than considering what’s right, what’s just, what’s best for all people) is reflected in the current Bodhi Tree bestseller list with such titles as Spiritual Warrior, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life, Don’t Worry, Make Money, and The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams. Spirituality has become just as commercialized as the fiction market. What personal dreams are more important than attempting to help others and return love to God? However, don’t let this sentiment make you believe I’m complacent in the face of all the petty foibles I’m sure we all encounter.
May 27
Today was a very chaotic day. I filled out a job application in Marina Del Ray and then continued looking for possible employment, faxing my resume and writing cover letters. (Tomorrow I’ll go to Kinko’s with a disk and print them out.) I spoke to a used book dealer and am sending him my list (I never heard back from any of the others I send it to). I missed a call in the morning when I was in the shower and no message was left so I checked with the one temp agency I thought might have called but never heard anything back. I called a temp agency I hadn’t contacted before and asked if they would, in fact, be able to place me in assignments if I registered with them and performed well on the tests. I was instructed to send my resume and they would call me back to schedule an appointment. I saw an ad for a company where I previously applied and called them. I was told to bring by an updated resume. I also called up about the amended ordinance (they’re mailing me a copy for a small expense) and called up news.supernews.com and spoke to Anna who said she’d call me back but didn’t so I called her back and asked for an Email address where I could send a copy of my previous cancellation message. I didn’t hear back from the newspaper editor. In-between these activities, I realized that my book placard needed to say something to be noticed and came up with “GOD has channeled a new TESTAMENT for mankind” (and later revised it to simply “a new TESTAMENT for mankind”). Although I don’t think I’ll go back because it reminds me of Nazi Germany when people let the Jews be victimized and continued their lives as usual. (I guess I will go back if I can find an inexpensive easel of some sort because I really don’t have a choice other than trying to do something.) At the end of the day, my telephone finally rang and I picked up to find the caller was the repairman from Computer Palace. I guess the letter from the local Better Business Bureau arrived because he was very apologetic and wanted to work things out. He said the cost would be $55 and $30 for an $85 total, not including the new toner cartridge required. (I plan to make sure I get my toner cartridge back and see if it still works or not for myself.) I said that this figure would be acceptable although I have no idea how much work is required to repair a machine after this kind of problem. It seems like everyone’s always trying to overcharge everyone about everything although everything seems too expensive (hourly rates, repair costs, etc.) when you’re in as much debt as I am. The repairman said his name was Ray Sirati which I thought was a good omen and he specified I would be able to pick up the printer tomorrow but I’m supposed to call first. Last night, my brother said that if he and Steve get the new house they want to buy, there’s a small room in back I can have if need be. My mother put forward her idea of moving in with me to help with expenses but I don’t think that’s allowable under the lease although the management never gave me a copy so I don’t know what is and isn’t permissible. I couldn’t imagine life again hearing the drone of the TV set all day and night with the especially shrill and soul-killing commercials. I love living in my rent control apartment here and even two of the elevators have been renovated but I don’t know how much longer I can afford it. Paul hasn’t telephoned me since asking if I had gone by the bank to fill out the form; I then called him a creep and hung up on him. One of the new articles at www.sightings.com concerns allegations of evidence that the CIA has been linked to Princess Diana’s death. One hardly ever knows what the truth is behind anything because justice is all a matter of perspective. It’s comforting to know that no one can cover up anything from God.
It’s one thing to surrender your life and will to God. I still find many things difficult to accept — such as never knowing for certain what’s the best course of action with each decision. In some ways, God is my own personal invention because it’s impossible to understand the Unknowable. I still find it hard to accept when things don’t happen the way I would like and feel betrayed. This is probably a betrayal as well but, after all, I only have my consciousness in experiencing the world. I sometimes resent being just one iota of God among countless trillions of other iotas with God collectively feeling all things at any one moment
Sometimes I am jealous of those who can still have their own dreams although that seems superficial. I no longer know what to hope or dream for beyond whatever’s best for God although I can never know what that is. None of these fleeting impressions truly captures how I feel. I feel selfish desires for wanting to experience life without anxiety as I once did. I feel trust and distrust simultaneously. The last time I cried I was thinking about what most people think is love is probably just self-pity. I’m so used to observing other people place their hopes and illusions in other people or possessions or careers or money. I spend my time reflecting about God so He becomes the object for my illusions, caring — and also cursing, threatening and anger. These moods are too thankless to perpetuate for long periods of time yet that’s something I sometimes find myself attempting. I never felt these emotions when I felt momentary security in my life despite my knowing now that God is my only true security. When you hear the figure of speech “freedom of choice,” it implies that you sometimes choose something you want and even know what you want in the first place. If this work achieves anything, I hope people will give more thought to using or accepting trite spiritual cliches. I’m glad I can be honest about my ever-changing emotions. I don’t think it is possible to be at peace in a world with so much misery and injustice. Yet what one finds often being promoted is the notion of personal happiness, fulfillment and enlightenment (usually with the emphasis on materialistic concerns).
May 28
I’m going to stop this journal like I stopped the audio cassettes. No one else in the world seems to care about giving back to God; all they want to do is take all that they can for themselves and do this regardless of the fact that if human beings don’t do something to change the way things are, they will experience the mass suicide they are already participating in. There will be a nuclear explosion. They will have Mad Cow Disease (if they don’t have it already). There will be war as disenfranchised countries try to sustain the lives of their citizens. People don’t want to demonstrate love to God. They don’t want to know about what’s wrong with the food they eat and that they themselves must bear their part in the destruction of the environment. They preoccupy themselves with cover-ups, shopping, partying, pretending to be in love or fantasizing vicariously (T.V., movies, novels, sports, pornography), changing the way they look, taking drugs, smoking, drinking, eating foods that have no nutritious value, collecting things, going to church, exercising, traveling, pretending that they have new answers, and making plans to do all of these things further.
It seems ridiculous to me to write about the foibles of people when the way I and this book/website has been dismissed is the most glaring indictment of all. Truth is always obvious yet it might not be the one we wanted.
Today radio newscasts were more preoccupied with the murder/suicide of a TV star and his wife than they were about nuclear bomb testing in Pakistan. Am I the only person on Earth capable of believing in God and trying to prevent Him for taking Their own life? Sometimes, my predicament is worse than any conceivable hell — I wish to share evidence of God’s love but no one wants this evidence. They pretend or perhaps really don’t understand why this would be something that would concern them.
I went by APLA today and there were Southern California Hotline cards at the front desk. And now the same thing that happened to the Hotline is happening to the rest of APLA and the people in charge of the organization don’t care what happens — don’t try to preserve other people’s jobs because it’s only too obvious that their only concern is collecting their own paycheck. My friend Pat told me there was a recent article in a local magazine that revealed that chief executive officer James Loyce, Jr. makes more than $200,000 a year. Who says that APLA is a non-profit organization? Here is the contents of what I placed in the suggestion box:
I was very disturbed to learn in the reduction of services to NOLP clients.
When the Hotline was eradicated, my response had been that APLA is a community service agency and should let the community know when major decisions about funding and programs are made to give others an opportunity to provide support.
The fact that press are providing no coverage of changes in APLA programs shows there is a public relations crisis that is ongoing here and the best public relations policy is always honesty. This is supposed to be a time of great financial prosperity for Americans. If loss of services aren’t made clear to the community, the most reasonable methods of fund raising are being ignored.
When there were changes in the Board of Directors, I recognized “spin” more characteristic of corporate bureaucracy than a community service organization. I have heard rumors of accounting cover-ups (perhaps due to all of the secrecy) and it all suggests—especially in light of the difficulties expressed regarding the NOLP—that there are major problems in the way APLA is being governed.
There are many questions raised about the process leading the chief executive officer to implement major changes and staff cutbacks.
At a time when most Americans are under the impression that social problems involving AIDS are diminishing, it is urgent that such matters as an “increase in the number of clients” and the reasons behind “enrollment limitations” in such programs as the NOLP be shared with Los Angelinos. I’m certain many people who have benefitted from the Southern California HIV/AIDS Hotline over the years still have no idea that the community has lost this basic and essential service. Now the NOLP may have to turn away people in dire need of true “necessities of life.” It is our shared responsibility to do everything we can to help these people in their time of need. Truly, at some time in our own lives we could each find ourselves in need of help and nowhere to turn.
[end of suggestion statement]
When the Hotline was eradicated, my response had been that APLA is a community service agency and should let the community know when major decisions about funding and programs are made to give others an opportunity to provide support.
The fact that press are providing no coverage of changes in APLA programs shows there is a public relations crisis that is ongoing here and the best public relations policy is always honesty. This is supposed to be a time of great financial prosperity for Americans. If loss of services aren’t made clear to the community, the most reasonable methods of fund raising are being ignored.
When there were changes in the Board of Directors, I recognized “spin” more characteristic of corporate bureaucracy than a community service organization. I have heard rumors of accounting cover-ups (perhaps due to all of the secrecy) and it all suggests—especially in light of the difficulties expressed regarding the NOLP—that there are major problems in the way APLA is being governed.
There are many questions raised about the process leading the chief executive officer to implement major changes and staff cutbacks.
At a time when most Americans are under the impression that social problems involving AIDS are diminishing, it is urgent that such matters as an “increase in the number of clients” and the reasons behind “enrollment limitations” in such programs as the NOLP be shared with Los Angelinos. I’m certain many people who have benefitted from the Southern California HIV/AIDS Hotline over the years still have no idea that the community has lost this basic and essential service. Now the NOLP may have to turn away people in dire need of true “necessities of life.” It is our shared responsibility to do everything we can to help these people in their time of need. Truly, at some time in our own lives we could each find ourselves in need of help and nowhere to turn.
[end of suggestion statement]
I picked up my printer today. There was a new sign in the repair area of the store just like the one behind the front counter. I accidentally thanked the manager of the store on my way out. I’m so used to being polite. As I left the store, a gust of wind ripped the receipt out of my hand and it went flying. I never did find it. Today I saw license plates that said “cliche” and “inside’; and a bumper sticker that said “Suicidal Tendencies” with the diagram of an alien.
June 10
No one will hire me although I keep responding to ads. I’ve applied to jobs I think would be respectable — public service organizations, etc. I did have a couple of interviews at Forest Lawn to works as a funeral assistant. I did say I’d be willing to shave my beard. It might be interesting to go back to what I might jokingly refer to as “my Egyptian look.” Today I finally gave up trying to sell my books and comic books. I know it would be wrong to profit in such a way, no matter how much I could use the income. I’ve decided to donate them to some organization that will appreciate them but I don’t know how much time to afford in such a hunt. One of the jobs I could probably get is as a telephone psychic but that seems too phoney for me.
I made my own Tarot cards that have such designations as “world karma,” “gambler,” “getting laid,” “getting paid,” “repercussions,” “big joke,” “bobs,” “angel help provided” and “manipulation.” I told one temporary agency worker that I needed to work because I didn’t get some money I was expecting (from the book/comic book sales) and then I kept getting the “liar” card. This morning I read a card for Mighael and the response was “disease.” So I asked for the emotion connected with it and the card was “disappointment.” The day before yesterday when I gave Andy a reading, the card for me was “fool” and today it was “heaven” — I guess because I was in the mood where I’d accepted my life without any determination to make plans or set goals for myself.
My friend Mark Anthony loaned me some issues of New Age Retailer so I found some book distributors I hadn’t contacted before and sent them review copies/press kits. I continue sending Email messages about the Internet edition of the book and website. My brother’s film producing career seems to be gaining momentum and his first film apparently is going to be “The Gift.” This weekend Andy and I had dinner at Michael and Steve’s house. We went to a market and they purchased $150 worth of liquid dietary supplements for my mom along with some other things they thought she’d like. It reminded me of the many years in my own life where money really wasn’t a concern. I’ve always managed to buy the necessities.
I’ve decided to make journal entries occasionally or maybe this is enough. After deciding it would be wrong to sell the books and comic books, I realized how pathetic was this preoccupation with exploiting a corrupt financial system. It just shows how hard it is to manifest one’s own enlightenment in actions.
June 18
I’ve agreed to work for six months in a temporary full-time job. It only pays $8.65 an hour but this will help me to keep a roof over my head. I had to take a urine drug test. On my way to the bank I saw one of the regular street people so I gave him $5 and tried to give him the 800 number. He said, “What do you think I am — stupid? They’ll poison me.” My first reaction was that he had always seemed rational and sane before. Then, I began thinking about how in our society, anyone who doesn’t go along with the herd, doesn’t go shopping at the mall and doesn’t ‘look the other way’ is deemed ‘crazy’ by the bureaucracy. Seeing how the disenfranchised are treated in society, is it really surprising that someone in this predicament would think that service organizations would want them out of the way? Furthermore, also judging by the way such people are treated, it seems possible to me that euthanasia for the disenfranchised is probably going on in somewhere in the world. It’s probably another good story overlooked by the media because there’s nothing sexy or glamorous about it. The other good news was that there was a mat outside of the aerobics room at the gym for me to use today while a class was going on. I had made this suggestion to one of the staff so it just proves there are people who are responsive to the needs of others. (This turned out to be a fluke and their policy hasn’t changed after all.) “The Wall” and “Imagine” were two of the songs I heard played. Why is it that every station has a main playlist of 100 or so songs that they play over and over?
I won’t be having as much time for work on the Internet edition of Testament if this job goes according to plan so I’ll just mention I’m adding Tapes #231 and #232 featuring transcripts of an interview with the rock group U2. When I was taping the microcassette from a regular cassette I thought I would rewind and repeat portions of the interview that caught my attention for some reason or other—in keeping with the erratic, over-stated tone of the program—but now listening to it I can’t believe I would have taken such a liberty. I ended up just transcribing everything that I recorded on the cassette. I found the interview very enlightening about Pop culture and it just reminded me of all the jobs I’ve accepted, things I’ve done over the years that I participated in simply because the opportunity presented itself. Like so many others, I rationalized my actions by concentrating on how the opportunity would benefit me without considering the larger repercussions. Who would have thought that the band singing “Sunday Bloody Sunday” in 1983 would be crooning “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” in 1997?
June 19
There is no way to put into the words the horror and disgust I feel after spending the most grotesque and pathetic eight and a half hours of my life. There are concentration camps in our contemporary society because I have just been in one. They call the work done in these camps “image keying.” A group of desperate, survival-engulfed people must key into computers dollar amounts and routing information regarding the never-ending avalanche of checks people like us send in. The transit number and account number are important in this regard and when an account number on a check can’t be read the number to be keyed in to the computer is “666666.” The never-ending stream of checks requires workers’ fingers constantly working the ten-key portion of the computer keyboard. I had no ten key experience whatsoever yet my supervisor was patient with my pace because of the utter desperation aroused by the ceaseless tide of numbers and dollars that had to be organized. I didn’t take breaks and she didn’t seem to mind—I did have to move my car at one point—as my help and any help at all would diminish the raging onslaught of checks to be keyed into the computer. Besides me, the only white people I observed working had European, Mexican or South European accents — many middle-aged like me who could find no work anywhere else in our youth-obsessed culture. Their names are Alfreida, Marcel, Brenda, David, Kym, Judy, Madhu, Joy, Nisha, Ivy, Robbie, Ed, Rocio, Julie, Sonia, Elois, Kayli, Malinda, Lashun, Gail, Rhina, Veronica (my name was added over a name that had been liquid-papered over). The young woman next to me said, “It’s even worse during the day when all the supervisors are here.” The people sometimes behaved like the way you’d expect them in a concentration camp. Once, one of the middle-aged immigrant woman image keying workers alerted my supervisor that I was doing “multiples” (checks) when I was supposed to have been working on “singles.” She checked and it turned out there just had been many mistakes in the batch I was working on. At the end when I went to get my timecard signed, a supervisor refused because I was scheduled for Saturday and Sunday as well. On Sundays, you have to work in the afternoons during the time your body is accustomed to sleeping prior to the other work times because the checks are too important to be ignored for half a day.
I spoke to another woman who was the one in charge of the people sent by the agency and explained that I had invited a friend to go to church with me but maybe Sundays wouldn’t be a problem because church lectures were recorded. I was allowed the day off but from then on I was told I would have to work each Saturday and Sunday with a special request form to be filled out for any alterations in the schedule. At the bottom it says “APPROVED BY:” and a space for a signature. On the same page are spaces for various time change requests; shift changes, cancels, lunch, and switching days off. Confronted by such desperation, you want to help these damned ones and so I went along with the pretense that I would be coming back. Part of me felt like I had to accept the job as a test of love. I overheard some workers talking about one worker who just couldn’t take it one more day and didn’t show up yet a few weeks later returned to ask for his old job back. ‘He should have known better. After all, you don’t risk a job. This place proves work is available for those who really want it.’ Borrowing a card that would let you around the facility, I noticed other mysteries — what was the warehouse area used for, what were the packages proclaiming “False Positive” doing there? I thought working at GTE meant that I was going to work for my telephone company. This cement box with stale air, dirty carpets and computer after computer is located in the vicinity of the Nuart Theatre, where upon reporting for the work assignment I saw patrons leaving after the final showing of the night. I was assigned to the graveyard crew. There’s also a 5:00 a.m. crew, a 7:00 a.m. crew and an 8:30 a.m. crew; a memo of week-end schedules finishes with the notation: “**THIS IS A TENTATIVE SCHEDULE PENDING WORKFLOW STATS.”
I kept trying to convince myself that I could do this job — in order to keep my apartment, pay the rent for the storage facility where the copies of Testament are, keep the credit cards going to pay for the website and keep from losing Mighael’s museum pieces yet maybe they have already served their purpose. I only know that losing everything is having more than this perpetual torture. Without a respect for the condition of life, what can anyone say about hope to any other? I didn’t first consider how truly abominable are the lives usurped by this greed, choosing only to feel sorrow for myself. I needed to speak to someone so I called my mother but when it came to speak I could only cry, which is terrible to do to someone who loves you. I felt angry at being a willing participant in the spectacle as I’m convinced I somehow knew what was going to take place. I had called my new temp agency on Wednesday after the interview for the non-profit job and asked for anything yet when told about the data processing graveyards shift job, I had balked. I was told I would be doing other things as well, which of course didn’t prove to be the case. When I called Patrice this morning, she listened to me for a long time with my comparisons to the Holocaust and contemporary white slavery, bait and switch. The agencies have to be making a good commission with these people and must know about the turnaround. I faxed her the three pages I had been given as proof of the mentality I have been given the opportunity to tell others about. I told her I didn’t want the money for the day and if they knew what this place was they wouldn’t send anyone else there. She said that they had booked several long-time workers there who were quite pleased. I pointed out that the head of the agency must have some respect for spirituality because of the angel pin I’d noticed her to be wearing at my interview and test session.
I remember at GTE asking about a parking lot key as I was leaving (the receptionist had been out). None of what I record communicates the need of the supervisors to control those desperate enough to be in their midst with every word. I was told that there would be times when I must work late and would have no alternative because of the work flow. I thought nothing in Orwell’s 1984 approached what I witnessed going on in this hell.
June 10
No one will hire me although I keep responding to ads. I’ve applied to jobs I think would be respectable — public service organizations, etc. I did have a couple of interviews at Forest Lawn to works as a funeral assistant. I did say I’d be willing to shave my beard. It might be interesting to go back to what I might jokingly refer to as “my Egyptian look.” Today I finally gave up trying to sell my books and comic books. I know it would be wrong to profit in such a way, no matter how much I could use the income. I’ve decided to donate them to some organization that will appreciate them but I don’t know how much time to afford in such a hunt. One of the jobs I could probably get is as a telephone psychic but that seems too phoney for me.
I made my own Tarot cards that have such designations as “world karma,” “gambler,” “getting laid,” “getting paid,” “repercussions,” “big joke,” “bobs,” “angel help provided” and “manipulation.” I told one temporary agency worker that I needed to work because I didn’t get some money I was expecting (from the book/comic book sales) and then I kept getting the “liar” card. This morning I read a card for Mighael and the response was “disease.” So I asked for the emotion connected with it and the card was “disappointment.” The day before yesterday when I gave Andy a reading, the card for me was “fool” and today it was “heaven” — I guess because I was in the mood where I’d accepted my life without any determination to make plans or set goals for myself.
My friend Mark Anthony loaned me some issues of New Age Retailer so I found some book distributors I hadn’t contacted before and sent them review copies/press kits. I continue sending Email messages about the Internet edition of the book and website. My brother’s film producing career seems to be gaining momentum and his first film apparently is going to be “The Gift.” This weekend Andy and I had dinner at Michael and Steve’s house. We went to a market and they purchased $150 worth of liquid dietary supplements for my mom along with some other things they thought she’d like. It reminded me of the many years in my own life where money really wasn’t a concern. I’ve always managed to buy the necessities.
I’ve decided to make journal entries occasionally or maybe this is enough. After deciding it would be wrong to sell the books and comic books, I realized how pathetic was this preoccupation with exploiting a corrupt financial system. It just shows how hard it is to manifest one’s own enlightenment in actions.
June 18
I’ve agreed to work for six months in a temporary full-time job. It only pays $8.65 an hour but this will help me to keep a roof over my head. I had to take a urine drug test. On my way to the bank I saw one of the regular street people so I gave him $5 and tried to give him the 800 number. He said, “What do you think I am — stupid? They’ll poison me.” My first reaction was that he had always seemed rational and sane before. Then, I began thinking about how in our society, anyone who doesn’t go along with the herd, doesn’t go shopping at the mall and doesn’t ‘look the other way’ is deemed ‘crazy’ by the bureaucracy. Seeing how the disenfranchised are treated in society, is it really surprising that someone in this predicament would think that service organizations would want them out of the way? Furthermore, also judging by the way such people are treated, it seems possible to me that euthanasia for the disenfranchised is probably going on in somewhere in the world. It’s probably another good story overlooked by the media because there’s nothing sexy or glamorous about it. The other good news was that there was a mat outside of the aerobics room at the gym for me to use today while a class was going on. I had made this suggestion to one of the staff so it just proves there are people who are responsive to the needs of others. (This turned out to be a fluke and their policy hasn’t changed after all.) “The Wall” and “Imagine” were two of the songs I heard played. Why is it that every station has a main playlist of 100 or so songs that they play over and over?
I won’t be having as much time for work on the Internet edition of Testament if this job goes according to plan so I’ll just mention I’m adding Tapes #231 and #232 featuring transcripts of an interview with the rock group U2. When I was taping the microcassette from a regular cassette I thought I would rewind and repeat portions of the interview that caught my attention for some reason or other—in keeping with the erratic, over-stated tone of the program—but now listening to it I can’t believe I would have taken such a liberty. I ended up just transcribing everything that I recorded on the cassette. I found the interview very enlightening about Pop culture and it just reminded me of all the jobs I’ve accepted, things I’ve done over the years that I participated in simply because the opportunity presented itself. Like so many others, I rationalized my actions by concentrating on how the opportunity would benefit me without considering the larger repercussions. Who would have thought that the band singing “Sunday Bloody Sunday” in 1983 would be crooning “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” in 1997?
June 19
There is no way to put into the words the horror and disgust I feel after spending the most grotesque and pathetic eight and a half hours of my life. There are concentration camps in our contemporary society because I have just been in one. They call the work done in these camps “image keying.” A group of desperate, survival-engulfed people must key into computers dollar amounts and routing information regarding the never-ending avalanche of checks people like us send in. The transit number and account number are important in this regard and when an account number on a check can’t be read the number to be keyed in to the computer is “666666.” The never-ending stream of checks requires workers’ fingers constantly working the ten-key portion of the computer keyboard. I had no ten key experience whatsoever yet my supervisor was patient with my pace because of the utter desperation aroused by the ceaseless tide of numbers and dollars that had to be organized. I didn’t take breaks and she didn’t seem to mind—I did have to move my car at one point—as my help and any help at all would diminish the raging onslaught of checks to be keyed into the computer. Besides me, the only white people I observed working had European, Mexican or South European accents — many middle-aged like me who could find no work anywhere else in our youth-obsessed culture. Their names are Alfreida, Marcel, Brenda, David, Kym, Judy, Madhu, Joy, Nisha, Ivy, Robbie, Ed, Rocio, Julie, Sonia, Elois, Kayli, Malinda, Lashun, Gail, Rhina, Veronica (my name was added over a name that had been liquid-papered over). The young woman next to me said, “It’s even worse during the day when all the supervisors are here.” The people sometimes behaved like the way you’d expect them in a concentration camp. Once, one of the middle-aged immigrant woman image keying workers alerted my supervisor that I was doing “multiples” (checks) when I was supposed to have been working on “singles.” She checked and it turned out there just had been many mistakes in the batch I was working on. At the end when I went to get my timecard signed, a supervisor refused because I was scheduled for Saturday and Sunday as well. On Sundays, you have to work in the afternoons during the time your body is accustomed to sleeping prior to the other work times because the checks are too important to be ignored for half a day.
I spoke to another woman who was the one in charge of the people sent by the agency and explained that I had invited a friend to go to church with me but maybe Sundays wouldn’t be a problem because church lectures were recorded. I was allowed the day off but from then on I was told I would have to work each Saturday and Sunday with a special request form to be filled out for any alterations in the schedule. At the bottom it says “APPROVED BY:” and a space for a signature. On the same page are spaces for various time change requests; shift changes, cancels, lunch, and switching days off. Confronted by such desperation, you want to help these damned ones and so I went along with the pretense that I would be coming back. Part of me felt like I had to accept the job as a test of love. I overheard some workers talking about one worker who just couldn’t take it one more day and didn’t show up yet a few weeks later returned to ask for his old job back. ‘He should have known better. After all, you don’t risk a job. This place proves work is available for those who really want it.’ Borrowing a card that would let you around the facility, I noticed other mysteries — what was the warehouse area used for, what were the packages proclaiming “False Positive” doing there? I thought working at GTE meant that I was going to work for my telephone company. This cement box with stale air, dirty carpets and computer after computer is located in the vicinity of the Nuart Theatre, where upon reporting for the work assignment I saw patrons leaving after the final showing of the night. I was assigned to the graveyard crew. There’s also a 5:00 a.m. crew, a 7:00 a.m. crew and an 8:30 a.m. crew; a memo of week-end schedules finishes with the notation: “**THIS IS A TENTATIVE SCHEDULE PENDING WORKFLOW STATS.”
I kept trying to convince myself that I could do this job — in order to keep my apartment, pay the rent for the storage facility where the copies of Testament are, keep the credit cards going to pay for the website and keep from losing Mighael’s museum pieces yet maybe they have already served their purpose. I only know that losing everything is having more than this perpetual torture. Without a respect for the condition of life, what can anyone say about hope to any other? I didn’t first consider how truly abominable are the lives usurped by this greed, choosing only to feel sorrow for myself. I needed to speak to someone so I called my mother but when it came to speak I could only cry, which is terrible to do to someone who loves you. I felt angry at being a willing participant in the spectacle as I’m convinced I somehow knew what was going to take place. I had called my new temp agency on Wednesday after the interview for the non-profit job and asked for anything yet when told about the data processing graveyards shift job, I had balked. I was told I would be doing other things as well, which of course didn’t prove to be the case. When I called Patrice this morning, she listened to me for a long time with my comparisons to the Holocaust and contemporary white slavery, bait and switch. The agencies have to be making a good commission with these people and must know about the turnaround. I faxed her the three pages I had been given as proof of the mentality I have been given the opportunity to tell others about. I told her I didn’t want the money for the day and if they knew what this place was they wouldn’t send anyone else there. She said that they had booked several long-time workers there who were quite pleased. I pointed out that the head of the agency must have some respect for spirituality because of the angel pin I’d noticed her to be wearing at my interview and test session.
I remember at GTE asking about a parking lot key as I was leaving (the receptionist had been out). None of what I record communicates the need of the supervisors to control those desperate enough to be in their midst with every word. I was told that there would be times when I must work late and would have no alternative because of the work flow. I thought nothing in Orwell’s 1984 approached what I witnessed going on in this hell.
Andy called in to find out how it went and supported me in my decision when I reported the circumstances, although he still thinks I should work in the film industry. I explained that the decision not to work in the industry is the pivotal point of my life.
I remember processing checks for the American Express account, separating the money into three different card categories (regular American Express, Optima and Triumph). I have the most terrible migraine headache as I write this. What must God think and feel about our choosing to serve corporate evil rather than Love?
As I begin a new paragraph, it is a few hours later and I slept for a while. I don’t think this headache will ever go away. I’m glad that God gave me this experience to show how we make angels out of gold and silver and carry them with us as idols so that we don’t have to accept responsibility for any actions of our own. I think the following two quotations express what I feel about what has happened to our world, our God and angels better than any moment’s contemplation of personal hopes and dreams.
The following is accompanied by bar code scanning number 3040000048 (4 ROLL WHITE/PROOF OF PURCHASE ANGEL SOFT) and four strange symbols including the company logo:
“Cushiony soft Angel soft®. Classic white. 2 layers. Bathroom tissue. 157.5 sq. Ft. (14.6 sq. m). 4 unscented rolls. 280 2-ply sheets per roll. 4.5 x 4.5 in. (11.4 x 11.4 cm). Angel soft® premium bath tissue is wonderfully soft because its two layers thick and each layer is embossed with puffy little cushions of softness. Available in pretty prints . . . Classic Colors . . . Classic White and Double Rolls. Angel Soft Bath Tissue is safe for septic systems. Thank you for buying Angel Soft. #1040. Questions? Comments? Please have wrapper available. Call us toll free in the continental U.S., 1-800-283-5547 or write to us at: Georgia-Pacific. Consumer Paper Products Division, 133-B Peachtree Street N.E., Atlanta, Georgia 30303. Made in U.S.A. ©1996 Georgia-Pacific Corporation. All rights reserved. U.S. Patent No. D332,874. Warning: to avoid danger of injury or suffocation, keep this plastic packaging away from babies and children.”
Jacqueline Obradors as quoted in the June 1998 issue of Venice magaziine:
I remember processing checks for the American Express account, separating the money into three different card categories (regular American Express, Optima and Triumph). I have the most terrible migraine headache as I write this. What must God think and feel about our choosing to serve corporate evil rather than Love?
As I begin a new paragraph, it is a few hours later and I slept for a while. I don’t think this headache will ever go away. I’m glad that God gave me this experience to show how we make angels out of gold and silver and carry them with us as idols so that we don’t have to accept responsibility for any actions of our own. I think the following two quotations express what I feel about what has happened to our world, our God and angels better than any moment’s contemplation of personal hopes and dreams.
The following is accompanied by bar code scanning number 3040000048 (4 ROLL WHITE/PROOF OF PURCHASE ANGEL SOFT) and four strange symbols including the company logo:
“Cushiony soft Angel soft®. Classic white. 2 layers. Bathroom tissue. 157.5 sq. Ft. (14.6 sq. m). 4 unscented rolls. 280 2-ply sheets per roll. 4.5 x 4.5 in. (11.4 x 11.4 cm). Angel soft® premium bath tissue is wonderfully soft because its two layers thick and each layer is embossed with puffy little cushions of softness. Available in pretty prints . . . Classic Colors . . . Classic White and Double Rolls. Angel Soft Bath Tissue is safe for septic systems. Thank you for buying Angel Soft. #1040. Questions? Comments? Please have wrapper available. Call us toll free in the continental U.S., 1-800-283-5547 or write to us at: Georgia-Pacific. Consumer Paper Products Division, 133-B Peachtree Street N.E., Atlanta, Georgia 30303. Made in U.S.A. ©1996 Georgia-Pacific Corporation. All rights reserved. U.S. Patent No. D332,874. Warning: to avoid danger of injury or suffocation, keep this plastic packaging away from babies and children.”
Jacqueline Obradors as quoted in the June 1998 issue of Venice magaziine:
“I had a producer come through my line one day and he put me in a (television) pilot. That was the most stressful time, between finishing the pilot and the day they announced the lineup. I learned a huge lesson from that. It is so out of your control, just give it up to faith. I will never stress like that again. I was upset when it didn’t get picked up, but I figured it must be for something better which is where Six Days came in. It just all happens for a reason. Originally they were looking for a blonde haired, well-endowed airhead. I was told to bring a spin to the character. It just came out in a Spanish accent for me. When I went for the audition I did it once normally in my voice and then I asked if I could do an accent. I left thinking I didn’t do that good, but they liked it. That’s a question I’ve never heard before. Harrison was great. The whole experience was so exciting. It was the most excitement I’ve ever had. It was a little intimidating, but I feel everything went really well. I got great feedback as we were shooting which makes you feel good. Harrison Ford, Anne Heche, these are big-name people, and I feel I held my own in this movie. I danced around my trailer when I got there. I would look around and I would say, “Wow! This is the biggest trailer I’ve ever had, look at that beautiful chair with my name on it.’ It was sweet. People don’t even know what I am. Jacqueline Obradors. People say, ‘Obra . . . what. Where are you from?’ People can barely say it, number one, and when they do, they don’t know what I am. As an actor I dig that, that’s definitely an advantage for me. After booking a job like this, I know I’m being guided. I have angels all around me. I know the right gig will come, but I still can’t help bagging my own groceries when I go to the market.”
June 20, 1998
My brother called from his vacation in the wine country and I told him about what I had experienced the day before. At the gym, I saw a penny on the floor upstairs with the head side facing down. I began thinking about faith driving home and was asking myself faith in God to do what? What trust, what faith should one have in God on this Earth? Did the penny indicate I didn’t have faith in God? Or that Mighael didn’t have faith in God? Or that God didn’t have faith in God? Here is the Webster’s New Encyclopedic Dictionary definition of the words trust and faith:
My brother called from his vacation in the wine country and I told him about what I had experienced the day before. At the gym, I saw a penny on the floor upstairs with the head side facing down. I began thinking about faith driving home and was asking myself faith in God to do what? What trust, what faith should one have in God on this Earth? Did the penny indicate I didn’t have faith in God? Or that Mighael didn’t have faith in God? Or that God didn’t have faith in God? Here is the Webster’s New Encyclopedic Dictionary definition of the words trust and faith:
trust 1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed 2 a : dependence on something future or contingent: HOPE b: reliance on future payment for goods delivered: CREDIT 3 a: a legal right or interest in property that one does not actually own <income received under a trust established by their parents> b: property held or managed by one person or concern (as a bank or trust company) for the benefit of another c: a combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement; esp: one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition 4 a: something (as a public office) committed to one to be used or cared for the interest of another b: responsible charge or office C: CUSTODY, CARE [Middle English] SYN see MONOPOLY — in trust: in the care or possession of a trustee
faith 1 a: allegiance to duty or a person: LOYALTY b: fidelity to one’s promises 2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete confidence 3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; also: a system of religious beliefs [Old French fed., for, from Latin fides] SYN SEE BELIEF — in faith: by my faith: TRULY
faith 1 a: allegiance to duty or a person: LOYALTY b: fidelity to one’s promises 2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete confidence 3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; also: a system of religious beliefs [Old French fed., for, from Latin fides] SYN SEE BELIEF — in faith: by my faith: TRULY
June 23
I can’t believe ANG (Associated Publishers Group) passed on distributing Testament. When the book was first printed, Book people and Devoirs and Co. didn’t accept it and now ANG and National Book Network have rejected it, the latter claiming they don’t handle publishers with only one book. Here’s what the letter from ANG says:
I can’t believe ANG (Associated Publishers Group) passed on distributing Testament. When the book was first printed, Book people and Devoirs and Co. didn’t accept it and now ANG and National Book Network have rejected it, the latter claiming they don’t handle publishers with only one book. Here’s what the letter from ANG says:
Dear Mark,
With regret, I wish to inform you that ANG’s Acquisitions Committee has reached the conclusion at this time ANG would not be interested in pursuing a distribution agreement with Oracle Press. Even though your product is very interesting, our selection committee did not feel that it would fit within our distribution line.
If there are any future titles you would like to submit, we would be happy to take another look at your publishing program.
Mark, I wish you the best in your future publishing endeavors.
Best regards,
Acquisitions Review Committee
With regret, I wish to inform you that ANG’s Acquisitions Committee has reached the conclusion at this time ANG would not be interested in pursuing a distribution agreement with Oracle Press. Even though your product is very interesting, our selection committee did not feel that it would fit within our distribution line.
If there are any future titles you would like to submit, we would be happy to take another look at your publishing program.
Mark, I wish you the best in your future publishing endeavors.
Best regards,
Acquisitions Review Committee
And what is on their list according to the March/April issue of New Age Retailer? What Is Light Body? By Archangel Ariel channeled by Tushery Tach-Ren, God Is . . . by Sri Chinmoy, Whatever It Takes by Bob Moawad, The Necronomicon by George Hay, Tung Jen’s Chinese Love Signs by Alan Butler, The Motion Picture Prescription by Gary Solomon, PhD, and Loving Ganesa by Satguru Sivaya Subramuniyaswami, among many others.
I’m still waiting to hear back from New Leaf Distributing and Samuel Weiser Inc. Distribution. I see they both carry Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 2. I flipped through it at the PRS bookstore and came upon a section where God was instructing to say “I love money” ten times.
So I’m making a journal entry because I saw a penny with the head side up outside of the gym. At dinner with Michael and Steve on Sunday, there was a quarter with the face side down like others I’d been noticing. Michael commented that after producing for a short while he no longer has any illusions about being a producer. He said the process of producing is so involved that whether a film gets made is totally unpredictable and you can’t make anything of real quality anyway in the industry as it is now. Steve’s daughter had selected the “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee” song from “Grease” to perform despite a teacher’s objections so I asked her to consider what the lyrics were saying and whether or not these were thoughts she agreed with and wanted to express to others. I’m angry that Michael and Steve are giving Dickens the cat Valium as prescribed by a veterinarian. As I found out that evening, Dickens still bites you after you pet her.
I’ve applied for more jobs but it doesn’t seem I’m meant to be working despite how scary my credit card debt is. I went to a job fair hosted by a airport cargo company and was startled by how many people were there. The most memorable thing that happened was when one of the staff members at the reception desk made me wait to hand in my application while she did something that she could’ve done later. There was that all-too-familiar edge to her voice that reminded me how people love making themselves feel important in the most petty ways. I now think that love is a synonym for God and just about every mention of the word in our society outside of the parent/child bond is some kind of primitive burlesque aimed at some form of self-gratification (prestige, etc.), social pantomime or outright delusion.
June 24
Today I had a job interview. In the middle of my interview, a homeless man asked for a dollar bill. What would you have done? I didn’t have my Interfaith information on hand so I wrote down the name and the Hotline name and told the man he could get the number either from the Hotline or by calling information. My quandary was if I give this man a dollar, I probably won’t get the job that I apparently need even though it doesn’t pay enough to pay my monthly expenses (it will enable me to live off cash advances a while longer and give me experience in a vocation I don’t have previous experience in). Yet if I give the man the dollar and I don’t get the job, perhaps I’ll find a better-paying one or maybe I’ll find a distributor for the books. When I was volunteering at the food bank, I had been instructed how important it was not to give money to those who asked you (no one ever asked me) and I could see how that could interfere with the work being done. I also had seen the wheelchair-bound homeless man again earlier. I didn’t give him any money this time and noticed that others apparently had. I asked him if it could be true that homeless people were being poisoned from some public service organization. He tensed a little and said, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about it.”
Last Sunday Victor Krauzlis lectured about “Fairy Tales are for Adults: Clues and keys to assist us in unveiling the secret teachings of Great Mystery Schools.” He explained about, among other things, how “Jack and the Beanstock” is actually a symbolic Masonic story. Krauzlis also analyzed Mozart’s “The Magic Flute” and showed how the first three notes corresponded to the tree of life. He found great symbolic importance in the sequence to the deaths of four of the seven protagonists in “The Seven Samurai” after they had gathered together in the opposite sequence. One of the notes I jotted down was “Be gentle and kind and the world will be gentle and kind to you.” Afterwards, I gave him a copy of Testament and reminded him that a lot of the meanings he had mentioned were probably not planned as such by the people who made them. Krauzlis said that, in the case of “The Seven Samurai,” this couldn’t have been the case.
Yesterday at the gym someone was wearing “I am an egomaniac” T-shirt. Somehow it reminded me of the poem Krauzlis had provided with other reference material to audience members (He had been disappointed that the auditorium wasn’t full as it had been when Manley Hall was alive). I’m not sure where this poem comes from.
I’m still waiting to hear back from New Leaf Distributing and Samuel Weiser Inc. Distribution. I see they both carry Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 2. I flipped through it at the PRS bookstore and came upon a section where God was instructing to say “I love money” ten times.
So I’m making a journal entry because I saw a penny with the head side up outside of the gym. At dinner with Michael and Steve on Sunday, there was a quarter with the face side down like others I’d been noticing. Michael commented that after producing for a short while he no longer has any illusions about being a producer. He said the process of producing is so involved that whether a film gets made is totally unpredictable and you can’t make anything of real quality anyway in the industry as it is now. Steve’s daughter had selected the “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee” song from “Grease” to perform despite a teacher’s objections so I asked her to consider what the lyrics were saying and whether or not these were thoughts she agreed with and wanted to express to others. I’m angry that Michael and Steve are giving Dickens the cat Valium as prescribed by a veterinarian. As I found out that evening, Dickens still bites you after you pet her.
I’ve applied for more jobs but it doesn’t seem I’m meant to be working despite how scary my credit card debt is. I went to a job fair hosted by a airport cargo company and was startled by how many people were there. The most memorable thing that happened was when one of the staff members at the reception desk made me wait to hand in my application while she did something that she could’ve done later. There was that all-too-familiar edge to her voice that reminded me how people love making themselves feel important in the most petty ways. I now think that love is a synonym for God and just about every mention of the word in our society outside of the parent/child bond is some kind of primitive burlesque aimed at some form of self-gratification (prestige, etc.), social pantomime or outright delusion.
June 24
Today I had a job interview. In the middle of my interview, a homeless man asked for a dollar bill. What would you have done? I didn’t have my Interfaith information on hand so I wrote down the name and the Hotline name and told the man he could get the number either from the Hotline or by calling information. My quandary was if I give this man a dollar, I probably won’t get the job that I apparently need even though it doesn’t pay enough to pay my monthly expenses (it will enable me to live off cash advances a while longer and give me experience in a vocation I don’t have previous experience in). Yet if I give the man the dollar and I don’t get the job, perhaps I’ll find a better-paying one or maybe I’ll find a distributor for the books. When I was volunteering at the food bank, I had been instructed how important it was not to give money to those who asked you (no one ever asked me) and I could see how that could interfere with the work being done. I also had seen the wheelchair-bound homeless man again earlier. I didn’t give him any money this time and noticed that others apparently had. I asked him if it could be true that homeless people were being poisoned from some public service organization. He tensed a little and said, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about it.”
Last Sunday Victor Krauzlis lectured about “Fairy Tales are for Adults: Clues and keys to assist us in unveiling the secret teachings of Great Mystery Schools.” He explained about, among other things, how “Jack and the Beanstock” is actually a symbolic Masonic story. Krauzlis also analyzed Mozart’s “The Magic Flute” and showed how the first three notes corresponded to the tree of life. He found great symbolic importance in the sequence to the deaths of four of the seven protagonists in “The Seven Samurai” after they had gathered together in the opposite sequence. One of the notes I jotted down was “Be gentle and kind and the world will be gentle and kind to you.” Afterwards, I gave him a copy of Testament and reminded him that a lot of the meanings he had mentioned were probably not planned as such by the people who made them. Krauzlis said that, in the case of “The Seven Samurai,” this couldn’t have been the case.
Yesterday at the gym someone was wearing “I am an egomaniac” T-shirt. Somehow it reminded me of the poem Krauzlis had provided with other reference material to audience members (He had been disappointed that the auditorium wasn’t full as it had been when Manley Hall was alive). I’m not sure where this poem comes from.
ILLUSION
God and I in space alone,And nobody else in view;“And where are the people, O Lord?” I said,“The earth beneath and the sky o’er head.And the dead whom I once knew?”“That was a dream,” God smiled and said,“A dream that ceased to be true.There were no people, living or deadNo earth beneath and no sky o’er head,There was only myself and you.”“And why do I feel no fear” I said,“Meeting you here this way?For I have sinned I know full well,And is there heaven and is there hell?And is this the Judgement Day?”“Nay, those were but dreams” the Great God said,“Dreams that have ceased to be.There are no such things as fear and sin,And you yourself . . . you have never been:There is nothing at all but me.”
God and I in space alone,And nobody else in view;“And where are the people, O Lord?” I said,“The earth beneath and the sky o’er head.And the dead whom I once knew?”“That was a dream,” God smiled and said,“A dream that ceased to be true.There were no people, living or deadNo earth beneath and no sky o’er head,There was only myself and you.”“And why do I feel no fear” I said,“Meeting you here this way?For I have sinned I know full well,And is there heaven and is there hell?And is this the Judgement Day?”“Nay, those were but dreams” the Great God said,“Dreams that have ceased to be.There are no such things as fear and sin,And you yourself . . . you have never been:There is nothing at all but me.”
So here I am, disturbed to find myself in the position I found myself in earlier with the homeless man although the incident could only have helped my chances of getting the job which I don’t really want but feel I have no choice other than to accept it if it is offered me. $7.50 an hour seems ridiculously small yet I also received a call today about interviewing for one paying $6.50 an hour. I did find a penny (heads up) a little while ago yet I’m just feeling like I don’t know what any of this is about anymore. In juxtaposition, Forbes has, as reported by an AP release, ranked “the world’s richest billionaires for the fourth straight year as the magazine tightened the criteria for its rankings by including only the ‘working rich.'” The article concluded: “The average net worth of the top 200 billionaires was $4.7 billion, up from $3.9 billion in 1997.”
June 25
This morning I could tell what a terrible decision I’d made because of the way I felt. I just can’t forgive myself for breaking my promise to God. I’d said I would always give $1 to homeless people who asked for as long as I was able and, of course, I realize I was only thinking about getting the job I didn’t want at the time God tested me. It’s 1:30 in the afternoon. It feels like having to start all over again in trying to be someone deserving of God’s love. So I’ll have lunch and go to the gym and I plan on telling Jean Victor how wrong I had been but I feel so disappointed in myself. I can only say to God, “I’m sorry. Forgive me” — and go on a little more committed to my ideals. It’s just wasted energy to keep focused on past failures when you can place the energy on accomplishing something in the present.
Now it’s 7:45 p.m.. At the gym, I saw a penny (tails side up). I was surprised that there was a message left by Angie from the new temp agency with a part time job for nine days beginning Monday. I called Jean Victor to see if the appointment with the hotel owner had been scheduled yet and it seems it won’t be Friday after all. Apparently, there are several other applicants with experience to be interviewed so this job doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out. I accepted the temporary assignment yet I’m concerned it’s only part-time. At least it’s $10 an hour. I’ve decided to contact other distributors and, eventually, bookstores with copies of Testament and information about the book. By the way, I sent a copy of the Email I sent to members of The Art Bell Chat Club of Phoenix to Jeff Rense of “Sightings On Radio” and received the reply, “Weird world. Thanks.”
I forgot to mention something hilarious that Ronald Alexander pointed out during his PRS lecture “Mindfulness Meditation and Mind/Body Healing” on June 14th. I didn’t write down his precise words yet before sharing some effective meditation techniques, he commented briefly something about how ironic it is that Buddhists believe that individuals don’t reincarnate except in the case of a few select spiritual leaders such as the Dalai Lama.
June 28
Today B. Alan Wallace spoke about “Calming the Mind” at the PRS. His brilliance as a speaker proves how spiritually unaware we all are as he stated that it is okay (okay with who?) to have money in the bank. I don’t know of anyone else in the room who disagreed with this other than myself, who has in the course of my own life been shown by God that it is not ‘spiritually aware’ to have money in one’s bank account when there are others in the world who don’t have enough. That thinking is the cornerstone for the social order one sees today.
As I gave Mr. Wallace a copy of Testament after the lecture, I told him I was interested in materialistic influences on the lives of spiritual people and asked if the Dalai Lama had ever gone anywhere in a limousine. He replied that the Dalai Lama rode in them all the time and last week had traveled in a thirteen-seat Tyrolean jet. When I told Jeanne about it, she said I was being judgmental so I said something like, “I didn’t make any judgment. I just think this shows the condition of our society.” She said something else so I became more defensive, telling her, “When you’re in Rome, you need to show the Romans the errors of their ways or they remain Romans.” And then she said something like I wasn’t qualified to make any observations and I said I was, which really did make me sound judgmental when I didn’t mean to be yet I’m certainly entitled to my own opinion. I certainly have nothing to criticize about the Dalai Lama; however, I usually cringe whenever I hear anyone mention his name because people think they’re being somehow “spiritual” by just mentioning him.
There was a meditation exercise at the PRS today and I used this time to go to my car to get Alan his copy of the book. What do other people meditate about? When I meditate, the meditation is usually accompanied by expressions of appreciation to God and I reflect about specific questions that I have about what to do or how to do something. I think meditation is important in that way yet it can become very self-indulgent if one thinks enlightenment can come about in this manner while he or she isn’t doing concrete things to help other people and our planet. Judging by the condition of our society, meditation hasn’t brought enlightenment to people because, in my opinion, the basis for being spiritual is to be committed to helping others rather than achieving something for one’s self.
I’ve noticed that Obadiah has stopped wearing ties since I commented to him a couple weeks ago that I think they should be banned and people who wore them were hanging themselves in a way. He made some quip about suicide and I said that I wouldn’t go that far. My exchange with Jeanne today was sad because just last week I told her and Obadiah how instrumental they were to Testament.
One of the things that is so frustrating about the lack of response to the book is that people don’t seem to comprehend one of the main points of the book — that what is most important is one’s relationship to God. Any concerns one has with what other people will think about something—or what will happen if you do something for God—shouldn’t come before doing something you believe is the best way of honoring your relationship with God. After all, God does have an involvement with everything that occurs. Many people profess a belief in such sentiments yet, in my estimation, their actions suggest otherwise. Rejecting my book, or not helping me to make others aware of it as proof of God’s love and everlasting life, isn’t a sin if you believe the book isn’t Divinely inspired (although how people can deny all the evidence is beyond me); yet ignoring the book while perceiving that it is true shows a lack of faith in God being a God of Love, as well as a lack of desire to prove your love to God. I guess I have to be this direct because people are so confused about what signifies spiritual awareness in an age where money rules.
I hope people won’t think I’m being arrogant or conceited because I have opinions on subjects that are significant and may challenge pre-conceived notions. I’m only too glad to share my own flaws and foibles as I think this will help others see past social illusions. I myself have gone places via limo before: to the Academy Awards, to the Emmys. Yes, I’ve worshiped golden idols before and I’m not too proud to admit it now that I’ve seen that they are false. What I now ask is why bother giving awards when all the nominees’ efforts come from the same Source?
I noticed today that the small restaurant I visit on Sundays now has an “A” sign in their window instead of a “C” sign. The food there hasn’t changed yet some modifications were done to the premises. I have mixed feelings about everything being graded and supervised by bureaucracy yet can understand the rationale for this in a society where people seem so preoccupied with earning as much money for themselves as they can without any significant concern about serving and helping others.
For so many years, I didn’t share my wealth with those less fortunate, telling myself that other people were not my concern and what can one person do when there is so much wrong in the world? I remember watching a documentary about Russia where an older woman couldn’t afford to buy much more than a loaf of bread at her local market. I considered how much wealth I had and couldn’t comprehend the difference in our circumstances. How could this be? The way our society is structured creates an illusion where we are all separate and we choose to ignore the inequalities when they favor us or our bank accounts. We must work to change these circumstances as those who become disenfranchised (that may be any of us) do not have any such ability.
A world where each person accepts responsibility for their actions is a world where people don’t consider themselves entitled to greater wealth than anyone else; or suffer the notion that their talent makes them a human being more deserving of possessions or participation in life than any other. There is an intrinsic lack of fear accompanied by an abundance of peace and joy to living a life in the awareness and appreciation to God for all gifts. As I strive to do in my own life, one does this by striving to not take more for one’s self than what all others have. There is no true self-interest to perpetuating any social order that stands in the way of making such a world possible. No longer can individuals feel it is their right to exploit for personal wealth the environment, a resource beyond any artificial monetary value. Meat is not necessary for nutrition; nor is it practical or healthy. Fish as food is not necessary for nutrition; nor is it practical or healthy. Even the bees have rights to their own food and honey is not meant for us. Military overspending is ridiculous and perpetuates hate in the world. Nuclear power is not practical or healthy. With these truths—many that God has manifested in my own life—one can envision the possibility for an evolution to a world of harmony, sharing and manifested love.
To be spiritually aware is to demonstrate via actions our part in making the world a place where everyone shares equally the abundance of God instead of perpetuating the corrupt and exploitative business system where a small percentage of people benefit and are no happier in their lives because of it. The world as we know it today is one where everyone is preoccupied with taking as much as each can for one’s self. In such a world, personal greed replaces the true values of a clean environment, healthy food and reasonable trust between men, their companies and, thus, their nations. Personally, I can say that I strived to bring this about by giving a dollar to a disenfranchised person today.
July 3
After taking my mother grocery shopping, I went to lunch with Fiona. She was finishing a reading for a client and I realized how many dilemmas there are in being a psychic advisor, which really serves a similar function as a counselor or therapist but for less money. In my readings, I don’t so much interpret the cards as present them and let the questioner make their own evaluations about the messages because they have so much more background information than I do and thus are better equipped to understand the message. Seeing a psychic can enable someone to imagine that they are gaining more control over their life when we really have no control over much of our circumstances (although we determine our responses to them). While she was concluding her session, I waited in her office where I was surprised to see some Hawaiian mementoes laid out on an office table in a sort of ersatz shrine. After lunch I sold some CDs and Fiona purchased an Hawaiian CD. I found myself continuing to think about her after going home so I eventually called her as I sensed that she was feeling somewhat depressed. Before calling her, I had a few nuisance calls from the bank that provides one of my Visa cards and the Los Angeles Times. I guess today wasn’t a holiday for everybody. There must be a multitude of concentration camps in the world when you consider all the ridiculous selling and accounting that goes on. I’ve been called umpteen times by each of these institutions. Today, I was pitched a thirty-day free trial for some service given by the bank and asked again about having newspaper delivery resumed. Since when is a service free if on the thirty-first day it costs something? Re: newspapers, I think they are no longer environmentally feasible and reporting in general seems a casualty of the capitalistic system where the chief concern is not offending advertisers. I pity the poor employees who have to keep making these ridiculous calls. These must be the only jobs they can find. And I’ve seen the ads for these Times jobs so I know what a small hourly rate they’re paid. They must have an opportunity for a small commission to provide an incentive.
When I spoke to Fiona on the phone, she told me about a series of events she and one of her friends had experienced involving the Hawaiian goddess Pele. It all started when her friend had brought back some lava rocks from Hawaii. Fiona had told her to mail the rocks back to the island because of Pele’s curse but her friend, instead, had thrown them into the sea, which had only served to escalate her problems. After an Hawaiian “Bob” was enlisted to intercede and Fiona and her friend experienced some phenomena, the two sojourned in Hawaii and at one point hiked to the volcano. Anyway, the end result is Fiona feeling entranced about the goddess Pele and Hawaii. When I told her to be careful about intermediary gods and reminded her about “Thou shalt have no other gods before me,” she started to get upset and didn’t want to talk about her experience further. I was surprised that Fiona could attribute phenomena to a particular deity without considering the one true Source. Fiona appreciates unicorns and dolphins and saints and fairies and now the goddess Pele yet I wonder how she has ever expressed appreciation to the Great Creator. Fiona was starting to get mad because I was warning her about idealizing gods like Pele yet how often have people said similar or atheistic comments about God in her presence without inducing any response whatsoever? In a fundamental way, everything that happens is a metaphoric test of love for the One. I also believe an individual’s perceptions and devotion to legendary gods and goddesses does have consequences to life on the other side. I guess none of my friends have interpreted the events presented in my book the same way that I have — if they’ve even read it. I called Marie last week to touch bases and at one point commented that the channeling portion in the appendix of the first book shows essential difficulties with automatic writing. The channeler’s pre-conceived notions may interfere with channeled messages to varying degrees and/or the unseen agent may not be providing reliable information.
This week I finished transcribing Ruth McKinley-Hover’s interview and I left a message for her yet don’t know if she’ll call me. I’m curious about her response to my work and have a few spelling questions. I also must ask her about Douglas Richardson telling me that two aliens attended her chat club presentation. Wondering what exactly is behind such a comment reminds me of our essential human predicament — the difficulty in understanding occurrences beyond what we individually experience. I was upset about a careless comment I made during my interview with Dr. Hover about Edgar Cayce’s books. It shows how in casual conversation some of the things we say can be an exaggeration or lie when we select our words poorly. What I meant to say is that I have read all of Cayce’s material about Ra Ta’s life (as far as I know). Unfortunately, I conveyed this by saying I’d read “all” of Cayce’s books. The numerous books extrapolating Cayce’s readings have never interested me and now I regard them as too abridged and general to have much significance. I have read at least one of these paperbacks and a biography about Cayce but not until I read the IRF supplement notebooks identified as #47 did I become aware of how impressive is the undiluted source material. At the end of evening, I noticed there was an Associated Press news release about a sudden eruption of Mt. Etna.
June 25
This morning I could tell what a terrible decision I’d made because of the way I felt. I just can’t forgive myself for breaking my promise to God. I’d said I would always give $1 to homeless people who asked for as long as I was able and, of course, I realize I was only thinking about getting the job I didn’t want at the time God tested me. It’s 1:30 in the afternoon. It feels like having to start all over again in trying to be someone deserving of God’s love. So I’ll have lunch and go to the gym and I plan on telling Jean Victor how wrong I had been but I feel so disappointed in myself. I can only say to God, “I’m sorry. Forgive me” — and go on a little more committed to my ideals. It’s just wasted energy to keep focused on past failures when you can place the energy on accomplishing something in the present.
Now it’s 7:45 p.m.. At the gym, I saw a penny (tails side up). I was surprised that there was a message left by Angie from the new temp agency with a part time job for nine days beginning Monday. I called Jean Victor to see if the appointment with the hotel owner had been scheduled yet and it seems it won’t be Friday after all. Apparently, there are several other applicants with experience to be interviewed so this job doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out. I accepted the temporary assignment yet I’m concerned it’s only part-time. At least it’s $10 an hour. I’ve decided to contact other distributors and, eventually, bookstores with copies of Testament and information about the book. By the way, I sent a copy of the Email I sent to members of The Art Bell Chat Club of Phoenix to Jeff Rense of “Sightings On Radio” and received the reply, “Weird world. Thanks.”
I forgot to mention something hilarious that Ronald Alexander pointed out during his PRS lecture “Mindfulness Meditation and Mind/Body Healing” on June 14th. I didn’t write down his precise words yet before sharing some effective meditation techniques, he commented briefly something about how ironic it is that Buddhists believe that individuals don’t reincarnate except in the case of a few select spiritual leaders such as the Dalai Lama.
June 28
Today B. Alan Wallace spoke about “Calming the Mind” at the PRS. His brilliance as a speaker proves how spiritually unaware we all are as he stated that it is okay (okay with who?) to have money in the bank. I don’t know of anyone else in the room who disagreed with this other than myself, who has in the course of my own life been shown by God that it is not ‘spiritually aware’ to have money in one’s bank account when there are others in the world who don’t have enough. That thinking is the cornerstone for the social order one sees today.
As I gave Mr. Wallace a copy of Testament after the lecture, I told him I was interested in materialistic influences on the lives of spiritual people and asked if the Dalai Lama had ever gone anywhere in a limousine. He replied that the Dalai Lama rode in them all the time and last week had traveled in a thirteen-seat Tyrolean jet. When I told Jeanne about it, she said I was being judgmental so I said something like, “I didn’t make any judgment. I just think this shows the condition of our society.” She said something else so I became more defensive, telling her, “When you’re in Rome, you need to show the Romans the errors of their ways or they remain Romans.” And then she said something like I wasn’t qualified to make any observations and I said I was, which really did make me sound judgmental when I didn’t mean to be yet I’m certainly entitled to my own opinion. I certainly have nothing to criticize about the Dalai Lama; however, I usually cringe whenever I hear anyone mention his name because people think they’re being somehow “spiritual” by just mentioning him.
There was a meditation exercise at the PRS today and I used this time to go to my car to get Alan his copy of the book. What do other people meditate about? When I meditate, the meditation is usually accompanied by expressions of appreciation to God and I reflect about specific questions that I have about what to do or how to do something. I think meditation is important in that way yet it can become very self-indulgent if one thinks enlightenment can come about in this manner while he or she isn’t doing concrete things to help other people and our planet. Judging by the condition of our society, meditation hasn’t brought enlightenment to people because, in my opinion, the basis for being spiritual is to be committed to helping others rather than achieving something for one’s self.
I’ve noticed that Obadiah has stopped wearing ties since I commented to him a couple weeks ago that I think they should be banned and people who wore them were hanging themselves in a way. He made some quip about suicide and I said that I wouldn’t go that far. My exchange with Jeanne today was sad because just last week I told her and Obadiah how instrumental they were to Testament.
One of the things that is so frustrating about the lack of response to the book is that people don’t seem to comprehend one of the main points of the book — that what is most important is one’s relationship to God. Any concerns one has with what other people will think about something—or what will happen if you do something for God—shouldn’t come before doing something you believe is the best way of honoring your relationship with God. After all, God does have an involvement with everything that occurs. Many people profess a belief in such sentiments yet, in my estimation, their actions suggest otherwise. Rejecting my book, or not helping me to make others aware of it as proof of God’s love and everlasting life, isn’t a sin if you believe the book isn’t Divinely inspired (although how people can deny all the evidence is beyond me); yet ignoring the book while perceiving that it is true shows a lack of faith in God being a God of Love, as well as a lack of desire to prove your love to God. I guess I have to be this direct because people are so confused about what signifies spiritual awareness in an age where money rules.
I hope people won’t think I’m being arrogant or conceited because I have opinions on subjects that are significant and may challenge pre-conceived notions. I’m only too glad to share my own flaws and foibles as I think this will help others see past social illusions. I myself have gone places via limo before: to the Academy Awards, to the Emmys. Yes, I’ve worshiped golden idols before and I’m not too proud to admit it now that I’ve seen that they are false. What I now ask is why bother giving awards when all the nominees’ efforts come from the same Source?
I noticed today that the small restaurant I visit on Sundays now has an “A” sign in their window instead of a “C” sign. The food there hasn’t changed yet some modifications were done to the premises. I have mixed feelings about everything being graded and supervised by bureaucracy yet can understand the rationale for this in a society where people seem so preoccupied with earning as much money for themselves as they can without any significant concern about serving and helping others.
For so many years, I didn’t share my wealth with those less fortunate, telling myself that other people were not my concern and what can one person do when there is so much wrong in the world? I remember watching a documentary about Russia where an older woman couldn’t afford to buy much more than a loaf of bread at her local market. I considered how much wealth I had and couldn’t comprehend the difference in our circumstances. How could this be? The way our society is structured creates an illusion where we are all separate and we choose to ignore the inequalities when they favor us or our bank accounts. We must work to change these circumstances as those who become disenfranchised (that may be any of us) do not have any such ability.
A world where each person accepts responsibility for their actions is a world where people don’t consider themselves entitled to greater wealth than anyone else; or suffer the notion that their talent makes them a human being more deserving of possessions or participation in life than any other. There is an intrinsic lack of fear accompanied by an abundance of peace and joy to living a life in the awareness and appreciation to God for all gifts. As I strive to do in my own life, one does this by striving to not take more for one’s self than what all others have. There is no true self-interest to perpetuating any social order that stands in the way of making such a world possible. No longer can individuals feel it is their right to exploit for personal wealth the environment, a resource beyond any artificial monetary value. Meat is not necessary for nutrition; nor is it practical or healthy. Fish as food is not necessary for nutrition; nor is it practical or healthy. Even the bees have rights to their own food and honey is not meant for us. Military overspending is ridiculous and perpetuates hate in the world. Nuclear power is not practical or healthy. With these truths—many that God has manifested in my own life—one can envision the possibility for an evolution to a world of harmony, sharing and manifested love.
To be spiritually aware is to demonstrate via actions our part in making the world a place where everyone shares equally the abundance of God instead of perpetuating the corrupt and exploitative business system where a small percentage of people benefit and are no happier in their lives because of it. The world as we know it today is one where everyone is preoccupied with taking as much as each can for one’s self. In such a world, personal greed replaces the true values of a clean environment, healthy food and reasonable trust between men, their companies and, thus, their nations. Personally, I can say that I strived to bring this about by giving a dollar to a disenfranchised person today.
July 3
After taking my mother grocery shopping, I went to lunch with Fiona. She was finishing a reading for a client and I realized how many dilemmas there are in being a psychic advisor, which really serves a similar function as a counselor or therapist but for less money. In my readings, I don’t so much interpret the cards as present them and let the questioner make their own evaluations about the messages because they have so much more background information than I do and thus are better equipped to understand the message. Seeing a psychic can enable someone to imagine that they are gaining more control over their life when we really have no control over much of our circumstances (although we determine our responses to them). While she was concluding her session, I waited in her office where I was surprised to see some Hawaiian mementoes laid out on an office table in a sort of ersatz shrine. After lunch I sold some CDs and Fiona purchased an Hawaiian CD. I found myself continuing to think about her after going home so I eventually called her as I sensed that she was feeling somewhat depressed. Before calling her, I had a few nuisance calls from the bank that provides one of my Visa cards and the Los Angeles Times. I guess today wasn’t a holiday for everybody. There must be a multitude of concentration camps in the world when you consider all the ridiculous selling and accounting that goes on. I’ve been called umpteen times by each of these institutions. Today, I was pitched a thirty-day free trial for some service given by the bank and asked again about having newspaper delivery resumed. Since when is a service free if on the thirty-first day it costs something? Re: newspapers, I think they are no longer environmentally feasible and reporting in general seems a casualty of the capitalistic system where the chief concern is not offending advertisers. I pity the poor employees who have to keep making these ridiculous calls. These must be the only jobs they can find. And I’ve seen the ads for these Times jobs so I know what a small hourly rate they’re paid. They must have an opportunity for a small commission to provide an incentive.
When I spoke to Fiona on the phone, she told me about a series of events she and one of her friends had experienced involving the Hawaiian goddess Pele. It all started when her friend had brought back some lava rocks from Hawaii. Fiona had told her to mail the rocks back to the island because of Pele’s curse but her friend, instead, had thrown them into the sea, which had only served to escalate her problems. After an Hawaiian “Bob” was enlisted to intercede and Fiona and her friend experienced some phenomena, the two sojourned in Hawaii and at one point hiked to the volcano. Anyway, the end result is Fiona feeling entranced about the goddess Pele and Hawaii. When I told her to be careful about intermediary gods and reminded her about “Thou shalt have no other gods before me,” she started to get upset and didn’t want to talk about her experience further. I was surprised that Fiona could attribute phenomena to a particular deity without considering the one true Source. Fiona appreciates unicorns and dolphins and saints and fairies and now the goddess Pele yet I wonder how she has ever expressed appreciation to the Great Creator. Fiona was starting to get mad because I was warning her about idealizing gods like Pele yet how often have people said similar or atheistic comments about God in her presence without inducing any response whatsoever? In a fundamental way, everything that happens is a metaphoric test of love for the One. I also believe an individual’s perceptions and devotion to legendary gods and goddesses does have consequences to life on the other side. I guess none of my friends have interpreted the events presented in my book the same way that I have — if they’ve even read it. I called Marie last week to touch bases and at one point commented that the channeling portion in the appendix of the first book shows essential difficulties with automatic writing. The channeler’s pre-conceived notions may interfere with channeled messages to varying degrees and/or the unseen agent may not be providing reliable information.
This week I finished transcribing Ruth McKinley-Hover’s interview and I left a message for her yet don’t know if she’ll call me. I’m curious about her response to my work and have a few spelling questions. I also must ask her about Douglas Richardson telling me that two aliens attended her chat club presentation. Wondering what exactly is behind such a comment reminds me of our essential human predicament — the difficulty in understanding occurrences beyond what we individually experience. I was upset about a careless comment I made during my interview with Dr. Hover about Edgar Cayce’s books. It shows how in casual conversation some of the things we say can be an exaggeration or lie when we select our words poorly. What I meant to say is that I have read all of Cayce’s material about Ra Ta’s life (as far as I know). Unfortunately, I conveyed this by saying I’d read “all” of Cayce’s books. The numerous books extrapolating Cayce’s readings have never interested me and now I regard them as too abridged and general to have much significance. I have read at least one of these paperbacks and a biography about Cayce but not until I read the IRF supplement notebooks identified as #47 did I become aware of how impressive is the undiluted source material. At the end of evening, I noticed there was an Associated Press news release about a sudden eruption of Mt. Etna.
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