JOURNAL — TAPE #45, SIDE #2
Q: Mark Russell Bell
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Q: Another possibility that I have to consider is that in each alternate reality the individual is the Antichrist of their own reality. So in each individual’s life every other inhabitant of the world is relegated to the secondary position. Myself included. So in this reality I am the archetype of the Christ. And, yet, in every other individual’s existence in the mind of God the entity known as me is just what they are in my experienced reality.
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Q: God really is a forgiving God because for each small sin I do the sin is far greater since I know Him and He has revealed Himself to me — so each fall from grace I have, which are many and innumerable, are much larger ones than what someone He hasn’t so revealed Himself to must do. Like tonight. I was speaking without thinking to my brother when he called me from the car phone because I had said something similar into the tape recorder on the previous side. So I was feeling sort of confident and arrogant. And I didn’t think if what I was saying was best for Him and the phone went dead. And I already had — even before the phone went dead I knew that I had made a mistake. It’s so easy to forget the complete meaning of the synchronicity in that — well, I’ll be honest. I was talking about the stock market and how I possibly could have made more money. (“WELL”) That’s not true because there’s only one chronology. So you cannot deny any one aspect of the chronology that has already happened. And by doing so or by saying “if” (“OR”) you deny everything that has happened. So I made a major mistake without thinking. And I know (“IT”) and I know He knows (“THAT”) it was a mistake I was going to make. So He really is a forgiving, loving God. He let me make the mistake He knew I was going to make. And now He knows I would be soon asking forgiveness for it. (“TTT”) But yet just as I was telling my mom earlier that once you say something you can never take it back. So here I am. I can’t — I mean this game that I’m playing is an impossible game to play because there are no rules. The only way you can win is if you lose. I mean I don’t understand it. I mean the only way you win is by sincerely trusting in God. As long as you’re sincere He lets you fail and He’s there for you. So my dilemma is avoiding that predicament in which I would fail and not be sincere in that perception of asking forgiveness, yet God is so intelligent that He helps me to avoid such a thing happening. So, again, it just comes down to having loving faith in God and surrendering. For the first time I truly understand that word is perfect in itself and really needs no elaboration because any other word expresses a little bit of the ego. So my book could have different possible endings. It’s like the original Bible. There’s each book (“IN”) — not every book (“I[N]” “YOU KNOW”) that belongs in the Bible is in the Bible of today. And there are many different translations, etc. So one good ending would be the prayer which we could all use to sincerely celebrate God each night before we go to bed — which basically means kneeling before your bed. Or if you’re incapacitated in some way, by nodding your head to show your love and the fact that you put yourself before Him, below Him. And just say:
Adam and Eve suck. I surrender my life and will to God. I got shit to do. Amen.
Q: By the way, it’s 12:15 so I’m getting ready to go to bed. I guess I’ve done a lot of taping again today. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to transcribe all this and I probably will continue doing interviews so this is going to be a long book or books. (“BUT”) I had one final thought for the day. I was thinking about going to the dermatologist’s office. I’ve decided I definitely don’t want him (“INJECTING”) injecting any drugs into me. (“I MEAN IT JUST”) It’s just a small, infected cyst underneath my ear and a larger one on the back of my neck so I’m just going to ask him to (“YOU KNOW JUST”) make a small incision and just take out the cyst. I think that will (“THE THE”) suffice. (“UMM”) I don’t think he’ll even need any stitches for the small one beneath my ear. Of course, I’m worried about the one in back but I just trust that he knows what he’s doing. He’s very highly recommended by my brother and he seems like (“JUST”) the heart of kindness. I can’t remember a nicer doctor but, of course, I haven’t known a lot of doctors in my life. But I was thinking, over the years, my dentist, Lawrence Villarreal in Pasadena, has been very, very thorough — at least, his office has in reminding me about my cleanings twice a year. (“BUT”) Strangely, I don’t think I’ve received any reminders for at least a year. Maybe longer. I mean I don’t really feel I need a cleaning because I floss once a week. Not every day. I don’t think that’s really healthy. It just makes your (“CLOG”) gums bleed every day and who needs that?
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: WHEN I WAS IN ALHAMBRA ONE OF THE PATIENTS TOLD ME NOT TO FLOSS EVERY DAY AS WAS MY HABIT SO I LISTENED TO THIS ADVICE BUT HAVE SINCE RETURNED TO FLOSSING BEFORE GOING TO BED EVERY NIGHT.)
Q: But once a week I floss. (“AND I”) I use mouthwash every night and brush my teeth once or twice a day. And I watch what I eat, of course. But it’s just strange that I haven’t received any postcards. Usually what they do when you have your cleaning they schedule you for the next one six months in advance and they’re very good at (“YOU KNOW”) sending you a postcard and calling you to remind you. (“BUT”) I haven’t received a postcard. No one called me. For some reason, it just totally skipped their minds. At least where I’m concerned.
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Q: It’s Monday — I mean it’s Thursday, January 11th. Why did I think it was Monday? (“OH”) I mean that thought just popped into my mind. Mighael? You’re teasing me. God does work through your subconscious mind. I guess that’s why I said Monday because He was proving that again. But I was looking through the paper and I realized very many people don’t believe in God. I mean the morning paper is scary. The main commandment is “Thou shalt not kill.” And it’s really scary how much killing goes on. On the first page, there’s a beautiful picture of King Hussein sitting with Israel’s Shimon Peres in front of a photo of the late Yitzhak Rabin. The articles in the paper today include “Mediators Bring Together Bosnia Foes in Sarajevo” and “3 Suspects in Slaying of Cardinal Released in Mexico.” I’ll just go through the paper and tell you some of the headlines. There are the usual articles about an actor not showing up for a court appearance and the court appearing split over teen abortion law and those types of things. But the really important articles for us to consider — oh, there’s also one about a G.I. arrested in South Korea and charged with attempted rape. (“BUT”) I see that the “Chechen Rebels and Hostages Move, but Standoff Goes on.” How sad. What is the point? Does somebody really know what the point is? I mean remember that movie “The Field” set in Ireland and starring Richard Harris? And there’s an article that “Bosnian Iron Mine May Conceal Mass Grave, Report Says.” (“SO”) It’s just like Nazi Germany all over again. It says, “A sprawling open-pit iron mine closed four years ago could be a mass grave for up to 8,000 Muslims and Croats killed by Bosnian Serbs in a campaign of ‘ethnic cleansing,’ according to a published report.” This is based on an Associated Press news release. It says, “Peace Finally Knocks Serbs Off Their Perch”: “Rebels who have controlled the high ground near Tuzla for three years hold tense meeting with Americans. (“S”) U.S. to take over Mount Vis on Friday.” In the “World in Brief” section, it says, “60 African Peacekeepers Reported Killed by Rebels” in Liberia. In Ghana “Bodies of U.S., Canadian Nuns Found on Beach.” I mean a lot of people don’t believe in God. I guess they dismiss everlasting life as a delusion. I hope my book is translated into other languages. That’s all I can say. I’m just going now, of course, to a large article on the stock market. I mean that’s something that will get people’s attention. “Blizzard Keeps D.C. Adrift in Problems.” As if they didn’t have enough already. California has their own share of budget problems. Apparently, “Wilson Spending Plan Includes $400 Million Dollar Reserve,” it says here. Let me go to the section that most people in California go to first every morning and that’s the Calendar. Today it shows a color picture of “Babe” at the top of the page. (“AND”) It’s funny how many color photos there are in the Calendar section as well as every other section. There’s color everywhere and recently the paper just cut back some sections because of budget problems. (“WELL”) I don’t understand. I mean all this color. That’s pretty expensive. Who do they think they’re kidding? Anyway. The big article of the day has to do with Gillian Anderson so I can add her to the list of Andersons in my book. Of course, I don’t remember what Gillian means. (“BUT”) Anderson is kind of a prophetic name because it has the word ‘son’ in it. This article is entitled “In Search Of The X-Factor.” There’s a big quote highlighted at the top of her photo. It says, “I have to believe there’s a reason why it’s worked out this way, whether it’s not supposed to happen to me yet or maybe it’s not supposed to happen at all.” She’s talking about ‘the X-factor.’ Celebrity. Stardom. So now I guess she can know as well as everyone that every casting decision is a choice made in tandem by the individual producer and/or casting director in association with God. So the fact that she was cast in the series in the first place was partly due to her Creator so she can be thankful for that. And we’ll have to wait and see what other work she does. She really hasn’t paid her dues quite as much as the other star of the show, David Duchovny. I wonder what his last name means. Sometimes God has fun with star names. (“JUST”) Ask Sigourney Weaver about hers some time. So, anyway, I guess this is her first film or TV role and she’s not as big of star as he is. Of course, I remember seeing him in one of his early films, the one with Mimi Rogers called — I’m having problems remembering the name. I don’t know why I should be. Oh, “The Rapture.” And so it’s just a little ironic that David appeared in “The Rapture” before being cast in “The X-Files.” I’m sure he did a lot of dreck in between and it didn’t really hurt his career now, did it? So let me just glance at this article real quick. Oh, look, she’s praying to God (“THAT”) the show won’t go on for additional years even though it’s her big claim to fame and she’s not in much demand. That’s curious. I guess she really cares about script quality. (“WELL”) I admire her for that. But be careful what you pray to God for because He does listen. I mean I’ve prayed to Him over the years. (“AND”) I haven’t always got what I want. (“BUT”) I got a lot more than I ever would have wanted. I mean all I did was pray to have “Wonder of the World” made into a film. I mean that’s what I prayed for. Silly me. Because I really felt that it was better than anything else I’d ever read and would make a better movie than any of those than I’d ever seen except maybe “Gone With The Wind.” So let’s see. I’m just reading over this article. I think I’ll turn to the first page real quick and see if I missed anything good there. Well, (“MM”) the quote continues. She says, “There must be a” — oh, I guess “[cosmic]” is not her word, it’s the writer’s. Jon Matsumoto’s. He calls it a “cosmic” reason why she hasn’t received widespread recognition. “Maybe I was meant to have a longer period of privacy,” she says. Well, she should enjoy that. I’m sure lots of stars would love to be starring in a major television series and still be allowed their privacy. I’m sure there’s a lot of people reading this right now and going, “How can she complain? Is she nuts?” Well, I guess celebrity makes everyone a little bit nuts. You know what’s ironic though about David becoming such a big star based on this series is that there are so many actors that can really act and look good and be probably just as good as he can yet he was the lucky one who the producer selected for the role. And it says (“THAT THAT”) she complains, “If there’s one thing that’s frustrating, it’s being skeptical all of the time.” I guess she’s talking about her character. It says in real life she’s actually “more open to the existence of paranormal events than Duchovny.” (“THAT MAKES”) That’s very interesting to me because it’s a perfect example of all these people (“WHO”) who have had such great success and aren’t inclined to give any credit to God. I don’t think that God really has a lot of satisfaction with Hollywood stars. I mean we’re talking lots of plastic surgery, lots of silicone. I mean they don’t even look human — some of them. So it will be interesting to see what fun God has in store for all of these — and I’m trying to be nice. Remember this. I’m just trying to be nice and make sense of what my impressions are. (“BUT”) Actors are very self-centered people. I mean you have to be an egomaniac to be an actor in the first place. You have to think that you can succeed when the odds are so overwhelmingly against success. (“SO”) And you have to think everyone in the world wants to watch you and thinks you’re good-looking and smart and can appear to be witty. The poor women all starve themselves and have their tits done and their noses done. (“I MEAN IT’S”) It’s sad. (“I”) I have never seen “The X-Files” but Gillian Anderson looks very attractive so (“I THINK SHE”) I think that she was a good choice for the role. (“BUT”) Certainly, thousands of other women could be doing the show as well. So it’s just interesting to think about why actors are cast in the various roles that they play and God obviously wants them to give back to society some of the love that He has shown to them. These end-of-tape warning beeps are making me feel very self-conscious.