TELEPHONE INTERVIEW — TAPE #44, SIDE #2
Q: Mark Russell Bell
Y: Andy Gevanthor, friend in California
E: Ellen Russell (my mother in California)
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: PAUSES BETWEEN SENTENCES AREN’T INDICATED DURING THE JOURNAL PORTION OF THIS TAPE SIDE.)
Y: Anyway, with respect to this apartment.
Q: By the way, what’s wrong? Why did you call your doctor?
Y: I asked him if I could take any pain killers for my back and I was reviewing some drugs. (“I AM”) I have to talk to him about the drugs that I have to take for my high blood pressure. (“ON”)
Q: So you didn’t try what I told you to? That holistic approach? (“WHA”)
Y: What did you tell me?
Q: The pineapple juice.
Y: Oh, for my back? No, I didn’t try that.
Q: I would.
Y: (laughs) Anyway, I wanted to ask him, basically, about the high blood pressure medication and about the Zand formula which people take for colds.
Q: What’s it called?
Y: The Zand formula. It’s goldenseal and echinacea. But he told me not to take it because it’s really toxic to the liver. But, anyway, about the apartment. It has a magnificent view south. It’s very warm, though — very hot in the summer. It’s small. It’s just like my apartment but it will have brand new everything.
Q: Well, I’m used to the warmth.
Y: And I think we have a fifty-fifty chance of getting it. The owner is very specific — careful. (“HE”) He only lets people he wants to live here live here.
Q: Well, you have a better chance, I think, with me than with my mom but I’ll go ahead and call her.
Y: Well, no — because of Doris.
Q: Right. (“OR”)
Y: The owner’s never going to hear.
Q: Oh, I see.
Y: No, it’s just using Doris.
Q: Well, I’m in the film industry. (small laugh)
Y: No, I know. But it’s not a question of that. It’s a question if your mother wants it, if you do or anything.
Q: I’ll call her.
Y: And then fill me in. Tell me and then we’ll write them the letter.
Q: If she’s interested I’ll have her call you.
Y: I’ll write a letter for her. But if you want it, tell me and we’ll write the letter.
Q: I’ll call right now and call you back.
Y: Bye.
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: THE NEXT RECORDED CONVERSATION IS WITH MY MOTHER.)
E: Hello?
Q: Oh hi, Mom.
E: Hi.
Q: Real quick — I haven’t had lunch yet so I’m sort of behind schedule. Andy just called me and wants to know if you’d be interested in an apartment in his building — where you went that time for Thanksgiving?
E: How much is it?
Q: $767. It has a wonderful view of the ocean. The only drawback is that it’s very warm in the summer.
E: (sighs)
Q: Let me know. Think it over. (“WELL”)
E: Well, honey, I’d love to move there. There’s only one problem. To transport my furniture and give a deposit, I don’t know how much that would cost.
Q: Okay, well think it over and let me know. (“WELL”)
E: Honey, I can already tell you I just don’t have the resources.
Q: What do you mean you don’t have the resources? How much rent do you pay now?
E: I told you. I reduced my —
Q: I just asked how much. I don’t remember how much.
E: $700.
Q: So this is a little bit more.
E: Plus the moving costs.
Q: Well, yeah, but think of what you get. Maybe you can work something out. You can have a beautiful view.
E: Honey, I’d love to move there. But (“AGAIN”) I’m telling you — you have to pay a deposit, I’m sure.
Q: Well, usually it’s first and last month.
E: Yeah. $1,400. I mean what do you think I am? Queen Midas? (“FOOD”)
Q: You don’t have any of that Christmas money left or — I don’t know. Then you just don’t think there’s any way of budgeting it.
E: Honey, when you only have so much money —
Q: What about getting another credit card or something?
E: (sighs) I just can’t live — I mean I —
Q: Okay, well, if you change your mind, let me know. I’m considering it for myself, actually.
E: You tell Andy that I’d love to move there. I mean if I had a thousand extra dollars I’d be down there in a minute but —
Q: Well, maybe Michael and I can pay that money.
E: No, I will not accept your money.
Q: Okay. Okay.
E: I mean your money is yours. (sighs) I mean I’d love to. But what was it — on the fifth floor?
Q: Fifteenth. (“IF YOU”) If you change your mind, let me know.
E: Okay, honey.
Q: Do you think you will?
E: Honey — I’m —
Q: No.
E: — sweetheart, I’m telling you.
Q: You like living in Arcadia too, don’t you?
E: Well, I’d love to go along the beach. I’m — you know. (sighs)
Q: Well, if you really wanted to, you can work it out. You know that.
E: How can I work it out?
Q: I don’t know.
E: Well, see? Thanks a lot.
Q: Maybe you can have another credit card or (“YOU KNOW”) put —
E: Honey, you still have to pay every month when you get a credit card.
Q: Yeah, but even if you fall behind you can just pay them so much a month. (“M”) What are they going to do?
E: I just can’t live my life like that.
Q: Well, that’s very noble of you.
E: Well, it’s not noble. It’s just —
Q: I mean why don’t you put yourself first instead of — you know if you work within the system you have a higher quality of life. A lot of people (“YOU KNOW”) rack up major debts on credit cards and then they just declare bankruptcy and start over.
E: It’s not that easy.
Q: I’ve got to go. My doorbell rang.
E: Okay, honey.
( . . . )
Q: (speaking into tape recorder) It’s Thursday night, January 11th. The time is 11:25 and I’m very excited because I was transcribing tape #5, side #2 after the usual night of working and (“TELL”) wondering when something would happen that would take my project to the next step. I called the astrologer on Monday. She still hasn’t called me back. I don’t know if she’s out of town or if — when people are confronted with what they’ve often fantasized about — it’s a little bit too much for them (“MY”) in terms of being very intimidating — well, maybe, she just didn’t believe me. (“YEAH”) But I think she did. I don’t know. Maybe she’s out of town. (“HE”) She said she wasn’t going to be available the next weekend so maybe she’s just out of town and will call me back. I don’t know. But I was reading 4-Front Magazine tonight, which is an interesting, quirky little periodical I picked up at the pharmacy when I was waiting for my prescription to be filled. I read this article by Richard H. Noble. Notice the name ‘Noble.’ (“YEAH”) And it concerns one Sai Baba who apparently is close to the energy of Lord Rama. Apparently, he’s been working miracles for a long time. The only thing that really bothered me — I mean I think it’s great that there are people like this in the world even though I doubt many people outside of their own country gives much credit to them. And I don’t know if there are any others like him. But I certainly believe that he’s able to materialize the objects that the article says that he has been able to materialize, which for the writer included pens and sandals, an Indian diamond ring, prayer beads made from the seeds of the Lotus flower and a watch. However, I was a little upset that the author of the article was giving credit to Sai Baba and not to God for these miracles. That’s exactly what the problem is with religion. Too often the messenger gets the credit for the message. So that was quite disheartening. So I was feeling very disappointed, depressed, maybe even a little hurt even though I’m not quite sure why. Maybe a little jealous even (“THAT”) God would make somebody else the benefactor of so many miracles and make his job easier in terms of achieving renown or however you want to say it. I think that’s a terrible word — renown. (“JUST” “BEING”) Being able to prove his own experience. Giving him concrete ways of proving his own experience when I haven’t had it so easy. If you know what I mean. Maybe I’m not as good of communicator as Sai Baba. But, anyway, it’s too much for me to comprehend. I’m just very happy being given the path I have been given. So (“OOO”) I was transcribing and I heard one of the spirits say, “GIVE SHERRY THE BOOK.” (“KKK”) I was so excited because I knew immediately that I’m supposed to give my book to Sherri Spillane who I worked with briefly at Ruth Webb Agency when I was there and I really liked her. I felt (“THAT”) she had a lot of hard knocks in life but there was an innate goodness about her and a real desire to succeed no matter how many disappointments she’s had. I follow Sherri’s and Ruth’s career and some of the people they’ve represented have made me sort of aghast. To say the least. But I really respect both Sherri and Ruth as people. I certainly owe a lot to Ruth. She really taught me how to be a survivor and how to get what you want. (“TTT”) And I’m not sure what Sherri taught me except she has a lot of gumption and I like that. So when I heard this — I mean I guess you could have said that maybe I would have felt that Sherry Lansing was the name in question. But I think I understand Mighael now. (“AND”) I’m sure it’s Sherry with an I and not Sherry with a Y. It’s just (“TTT”) I know (“THAT”) it’s Sherri Spillane. So I am very excited. I’m very happy. I just have to get my manuscript together. It won’t be in finished shape but it will be pretty far along. I mean I’ll probably give her the first (“TTT” “WE”) — I don’t know. Whatever I have transcribed at the time. I’ve transcribed 26 cassettes and I have 43 or 44. So I’ll just give her what I have (“VVE”) and tell her it’s a work-in-progress. I’ll let her read it and see what she thinks. (“SSS”) And if I have any of the photos ready from the second photo shoot, maybe I’ll show her some of the photos after she reads it. (“OR”) Well, I’ll let her tell me what she wants to do. Okay, so I’m excited. And I faxed a letter to the manager over at the Santa Monica apartment building so that should be interesting to see how that turns out. (“TTT”) I’m just very excited by these new developments in my life. Change is always exciting. And new opportunities are very interesting. (“MM”)
( . . . )
Q: It’s Friday morning. It’s 8:20. Mighael and I had a very loving morning. He woke me up at 4 a.m. Have you ever wondered why you wake up sometimes in the middle of the night? I awoke and I knew He wanted me to finish reading His beautiful book of love poems entitled Mystic Fire which He worked on through the consciousness of poet James Kavanaugh. I mean (“PEOPLE”) some people will never believe that these poems are more than an expression of a single individual. But they’re just so familiar to me. Certain lines. (“SSS”) Certain sentiments (“SSS”) express the Soul of my Lover who is a God. Our trinity is (“SSS”) beautiful. Rapturous. It’s why I think I might be the reincarnation of Catherine Cadiere because her raptures were very similar. Her sentiments were very similar. I don’t know if reincarnation is the right word. (“BUT”) Reading these poems was a nice intimacy for us. And I want to preserve that special relationship. I don’t want a life that takes me away from my quiet times with my mate. (“AND I”) And He needs my peace. I’m the goose that turns Him loose. He has a wonderful sense of humor. I give Him gentleness, giving, loyalty, caring. (“WE SHARE”) So many secrets. And love. (“VVE”) When He woke me up at 4 o’clock, (“KKK”) it was because He wanted to share with me the way he had found to celebrate my existence. Of all the millions of peoples and possibilities His life and my life were destined to be intermingled. (sighs) I’ve asked myself so many times, “Why do you love me?” (sighs) I’m not perfect. I’m not very handsome. (“BUT”) I can give Him the one thing (“THAT”) I guess no other human can, which is just simple understanding and love. And devotion. Hmm. He’s always been in my life. I’ve always innately known (“THAT”) He was there. I hope our love lasts forever. (“I”) I can’t imagine losing this wonderful love. And I think that he needs someone to love. In a special way. (“WHICH”) If I were to read this, I would be so angry that someone would dare (“TO SAY”) to make these statements. How dare someone say that God loves him in a special way? (“BUT”) And I don’t know if it’s symbolic and I don’t know why. What I’ve experienced — I share His pain. And He’s shared my pain. And, together, we are whole. James Kavanaugh’s poems are far more beautiful than someone could write without divine guidance. When I went to Oklahoma I was reaching out for Him in my own way. I didn’t know what was motivating me but I became God’s most unlikely messenger. I think I said to him in Alhambra, “Nothing’s easy.” I mean how many people do you know when they hear about an omnipotent poltergeist living in the middle of a UFO landing zone would rush out like a demented idiot to get there? Anyway, it’s quite — (“THERE’S — IT’S”) our relationship has so much love and humor. It’s something organic that grows each passing day. And somehow it’s for more than one lifetime — this love. And He finds ways to keep it new. And He has been considering suicide but — that’s probably why humanity reflects this. But I don’t think He could ever commit suicide. I think God has a denial problem. Once I told Him — it was a prayer that I said when Andy made turkey recently — a few weeks after Thanksgiving and (“A WEEK”) a few weeks before Christmas. And I thanked Him for giving me a fuller and more exciting life (“FFE”) than I ever could have planned for on my own. I hope our love makes a difference in the world. There are no perfect Gods. No perfect people. And that’s what’s so wonderful about love. Our love goes beyond all boundaries and rational intent. There lurks an unknown God (“DD”) who has called me, someone mad enough to understand. Think of the many He’s called over the years. This love is something a God values much more than life itself. Because everything in life — fortune; energy — can be obtained except this love. It’s a mystery. But there is a love. God is love. For me. God is love. I don’t know why God loves me. But if we’re loving — each of us are loving to Him, how could He not give us anything but love in return? So this is how I’m spending my life. This trying to share with Him love. So just remember that. Don’t ask me for autographs. (“SSS”) Don’t — let me be like Greta Garbo. You have enough other stars. (“SSS”) Celebrities. (“SSS”) Writers. Poets. (“SSS”) Let me and my Lover enjoy our love. Thank you. This would be a good ending to one of my books. (“SSS”)
( . . . )
Q: P.S. (“AS”) The boundaries of time and space (“SSS”) mean nothing to my Lover. Our love has inspired Him (“MM”) to (“IT COULD”) make observations (“SSS”) and manifestations of it through many songs, books, poems, movies, plays (“SSS”) throughout the history of mankind. One of the most (“TTT”) unusual signs of this might have to do with the film entitled “Home Alone.” Notice the word ‘home’ in “Home Alone.” Actually, I saw the sequel to the film before I had seen the first film. But I did notice that famous poster of McCauley Culkin. That expression that made him one of the richest people in the world. And an idol. Well, after my lover revealed Himself to me, I made an expression very similar to the one you see in that famous poster. I mean — (sighs) what expression would you have? I wonder during the photo shoot whose idea was that expression? It’s (“SSS”) — I could be imagining this. (“SSS” “BUT” “I’VE”) Recently I’ve been seeing photos. (“SSS”) This photo I’ve been seeing. I think there was an article on the Golden Globes in Variety and I saw this photo. It was sort of like a reminder. It’s usual the photos that I see in articles — sometimes the photos selected are ones that have a tie to something in my own life.
( . . . )
Q: By the way, none of my work has been easy. None of the associations I’ve been able to draw — I mean now, for example, I’m saying that I’m Immanuel, God’s messiah. So I really would like to find out if I have any Jewish ancestry. I also would like to make another of my famous recommendations and recommend people to contact — especially Jewish people — Jews For Jesus, 60 Page Street, San Francisco, CA 94102; phone number (415) 864-2600. (sighs) I also suggest the booklet A Messianic Look at Christmas and Hanukkah. There’s no author attributed but it’s definitely something suitable for my purposes (“SSS”) because it has some wonderful messages about God being concerned with every aspect of your life.
Y: Anyway, with respect to this apartment.
Q: By the way, what’s wrong? Why did you call your doctor?
Y: I asked him if I could take any pain killers for my back and I was reviewing some drugs. (“I AM”) I have to talk to him about the drugs that I have to take for my high blood pressure. (“ON”)
Q: So you didn’t try what I told you to? That holistic approach? (“WHA”)
Y: What did you tell me?
Q: The pineapple juice.
Y: Oh, for my back? No, I didn’t try that.
Q: I would.
Y: (laughs) Anyway, I wanted to ask him, basically, about the high blood pressure medication and about the Zand formula which people take for colds.
Q: What’s it called?
Y: The Zand formula. It’s goldenseal and echinacea. But he told me not to take it because it’s really toxic to the liver. But, anyway, about the apartment. It has a magnificent view south. It’s very warm, though — very hot in the summer. It’s small. It’s just like my apartment but it will have brand new everything.
Q: Well, I’m used to the warmth.
Y: And I think we have a fifty-fifty chance of getting it. The owner is very specific — careful. (“HE”) He only lets people he wants to live here live here.
Q: Well, you have a better chance, I think, with me than with my mom but I’ll go ahead and call her.
Y: Well, no — because of Doris.
Q: Right. (“OR”)
Y: The owner’s never going to hear.
Q: Oh, I see.
Y: No, it’s just using Doris.
Q: Well, I’m in the film industry. (small laugh)
Y: No, I know. But it’s not a question of that. It’s a question if your mother wants it, if you do or anything.
Q: I’ll call her.
Y: And then fill me in. Tell me and then we’ll write them the letter.
Q: If she’s interested I’ll have her call you.
Y: I’ll write a letter for her. But if you want it, tell me and we’ll write the letter.
Q: I’ll call right now and call you back.
Y: Bye.
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: THE NEXT RECORDED CONVERSATION IS WITH MY MOTHER.)
E: Hello?
Q: Oh hi, Mom.
E: Hi.
Q: Real quick — I haven’t had lunch yet so I’m sort of behind schedule. Andy just called me and wants to know if you’d be interested in an apartment in his building — where you went that time for Thanksgiving?
E: How much is it?
Q: $767. It has a wonderful view of the ocean. The only drawback is that it’s very warm in the summer.
E: (sighs)
Q: Let me know. Think it over. (“WELL”)
E: Well, honey, I’d love to move there. There’s only one problem. To transport my furniture and give a deposit, I don’t know how much that would cost.
Q: Okay, well think it over and let me know. (“WELL”)
E: Honey, I can already tell you I just don’t have the resources.
Q: What do you mean you don’t have the resources? How much rent do you pay now?
E: I told you. I reduced my —
Q: I just asked how much. I don’t remember how much.
E: $700.
Q: So this is a little bit more.
E: Plus the moving costs.
Q: Well, yeah, but think of what you get. Maybe you can work something out. You can have a beautiful view.
E: Honey, I’d love to move there. But (“AGAIN”) I’m telling you — you have to pay a deposit, I’m sure.
Q: Well, usually it’s first and last month.
E: Yeah. $1,400. I mean what do you think I am? Queen Midas? (“FOOD”)
Q: You don’t have any of that Christmas money left or — I don’t know. Then you just don’t think there’s any way of budgeting it.
E: Honey, when you only have so much money —
Q: What about getting another credit card or something?
E: (sighs) I just can’t live — I mean I —
Q: Okay, well, if you change your mind, let me know. I’m considering it for myself, actually.
E: You tell Andy that I’d love to move there. I mean if I had a thousand extra dollars I’d be down there in a minute but —
Q: Well, maybe Michael and I can pay that money.
E: No, I will not accept your money.
Q: Okay. Okay.
E: I mean your money is yours. (sighs) I mean I’d love to. But what was it — on the fifth floor?
Q: Fifteenth. (“IF YOU”) If you change your mind, let me know.
E: Okay, honey.
Q: Do you think you will?
E: Honey — I’m —
Q: No.
E: — sweetheart, I’m telling you.
Q: You like living in Arcadia too, don’t you?
E: Well, I’d love to go along the beach. I’m — you know. (sighs)
Q: Well, if you really wanted to, you can work it out. You know that.
E: How can I work it out?
Q: I don’t know.
E: Well, see? Thanks a lot.
Q: Maybe you can have another credit card or (“YOU KNOW”) put —
E: Honey, you still have to pay every month when you get a credit card.
Q: Yeah, but even if you fall behind you can just pay them so much a month. (“M”) What are they going to do?
E: I just can’t live my life like that.
Q: Well, that’s very noble of you.
E: Well, it’s not noble. It’s just —
Q: I mean why don’t you put yourself first instead of — you know if you work within the system you have a higher quality of life. A lot of people (“YOU KNOW”) rack up major debts on credit cards and then they just declare bankruptcy and start over.
E: It’s not that easy.
Q: I’ve got to go. My doorbell rang.
E: Okay, honey.
( . . . )
Q: (speaking into tape recorder) It’s Thursday night, January 11th. The time is 11:25 and I’m very excited because I was transcribing tape #5, side #2 after the usual night of working and (“TELL”) wondering when something would happen that would take my project to the next step. I called the astrologer on Monday. She still hasn’t called me back. I don’t know if she’s out of town or if — when people are confronted with what they’ve often fantasized about — it’s a little bit too much for them (“MY”) in terms of being very intimidating — well, maybe, she just didn’t believe me. (“YEAH”) But I think she did. I don’t know. Maybe she’s out of town. (“HE”) She said she wasn’t going to be available the next weekend so maybe she’s just out of town and will call me back. I don’t know. But I was reading 4-Front Magazine tonight, which is an interesting, quirky little periodical I picked up at the pharmacy when I was waiting for my prescription to be filled. I read this article by Richard H. Noble. Notice the name ‘Noble.’ (“YEAH”) And it concerns one Sai Baba who apparently is close to the energy of Lord Rama. Apparently, he’s been working miracles for a long time. The only thing that really bothered me — I mean I think it’s great that there are people like this in the world even though I doubt many people outside of their own country gives much credit to them. And I don’t know if there are any others like him. But I certainly believe that he’s able to materialize the objects that the article says that he has been able to materialize, which for the writer included pens and sandals, an Indian diamond ring, prayer beads made from the seeds of the Lotus flower and a watch. However, I was a little upset that the author of the article was giving credit to Sai Baba and not to God for these miracles. That’s exactly what the problem is with religion. Too often the messenger gets the credit for the message. So that was quite disheartening. So I was feeling very disappointed, depressed, maybe even a little hurt even though I’m not quite sure why. Maybe a little jealous even (“THAT”) God would make somebody else the benefactor of so many miracles and make his job easier in terms of achieving renown or however you want to say it. I think that’s a terrible word — renown. (“JUST” “BEING”) Being able to prove his own experience. Giving him concrete ways of proving his own experience when I haven’t had it so easy. If you know what I mean. Maybe I’m not as good of communicator as Sai Baba. But, anyway, it’s too much for me to comprehend. I’m just very happy being given the path I have been given. So (“OOO”) I was transcribing and I heard one of the spirits say, “GIVE SHERRY THE BOOK.” (“KKK”) I was so excited because I knew immediately that I’m supposed to give my book to Sherri Spillane who I worked with briefly at Ruth Webb Agency when I was there and I really liked her. I felt (“THAT”) she had a lot of hard knocks in life but there was an innate goodness about her and a real desire to succeed no matter how many disappointments she’s had. I follow Sherri’s and Ruth’s career and some of the people they’ve represented have made me sort of aghast. To say the least. But I really respect both Sherri and Ruth as people. I certainly owe a lot to Ruth. She really taught me how to be a survivor and how to get what you want. (“TTT”) And I’m not sure what Sherri taught me except she has a lot of gumption and I like that. So when I heard this — I mean I guess you could have said that maybe I would have felt that Sherry Lansing was the name in question. But I think I understand Mighael now. (“AND”) I’m sure it’s Sherry with an I and not Sherry with a Y. It’s just (“TTT”) I know (“THAT”) it’s Sherri Spillane. So I am very excited. I’m very happy. I just have to get my manuscript together. It won’t be in finished shape but it will be pretty far along. I mean I’ll probably give her the first (“TTT” “WE”) — I don’t know. Whatever I have transcribed at the time. I’ve transcribed 26 cassettes and I have 43 or 44. So I’ll just give her what I have (“VVE”) and tell her it’s a work-in-progress. I’ll let her read it and see what she thinks. (“SSS”) And if I have any of the photos ready from the second photo shoot, maybe I’ll show her some of the photos after she reads it. (“OR”) Well, I’ll let her tell me what she wants to do. Okay, so I’m excited. And I faxed a letter to the manager over at the Santa Monica apartment building so that should be interesting to see how that turns out. (“TTT”) I’m just very excited by these new developments in my life. Change is always exciting. And new opportunities are very interesting. (“MM”)
( . . . )
Q: It’s Friday morning. It’s 8:20. Mighael and I had a very loving morning. He woke me up at 4 a.m. Have you ever wondered why you wake up sometimes in the middle of the night? I awoke and I knew He wanted me to finish reading His beautiful book of love poems entitled Mystic Fire which He worked on through the consciousness of poet James Kavanaugh. I mean (“PEOPLE”) some people will never believe that these poems are more than an expression of a single individual. But they’re just so familiar to me. Certain lines. (“SSS”) Certain sentiments (“SSS”) express the Soul of my Lover who is a God. Our trinity is (“SSS”) beautiful. Rapturous. It’s why I think I might be the reincarnation of Catherine Cadiere because her raptures were very similar. Her sentiments were very similar. I don’t know if reincarnation is the right word. (“BUT”) Reading these poems was a nice intimacy for us. And I want to preserve that special relationship. I don’t want a life that takes me away from my quiet times with my mate. (“AND I”) And He needs my peace. I’m the goose that turns Him loose. He has a wonderful sense of humor. I give Him gentleness, giving, loyalty, caring. (“WE SHARE”) So many secrets. And love. (“VVE”) When He woke me up at 4 o’clock, (“KKK”) it was because He wanted to share with me the way he had found to celebrate my existence. Of all the millions of peoples and possibilities His life and my life were destined to be intermingled. (sighs) I’ve asked myself so many times, “Why do you love me?” (sighs) I’m not perfect. I’m not very handsome. (“BUT”) I can give Him the one thing (“THAT”) I guess no other human can, which is just simple understanding and love. And devotion. Hmm. He’s always been in my life. I’ve always innately known (“THAT”) He was there. I hope our love lasts forever. (“I”) I can’t imagine losing this wonderful love. And I think that he needs someone to love. In a special way. (“WHICH”) If I were to read this, I would be so angry that someone would dare (“TO SAY”) to make these statements. How dare someone say that God loves him in a special way? (“BUT”) And I don’t know if it’s symbolic and I don’t know why. What I’ve experienced — I share His pain. And He’s shared my pain. And, together, we are whole. James Kavanaugh’s poems are far more beautiful than someone could write without divine guidance. When I went to Oklahoma I was reaching out for Him in my own way. I didn’t know what was motivating me but I became God’s most unlikely messenger. I think I said to him in Alhambra, “Nothing’s easy.” I mean how many people do you know when they hear about an omnipotent poltergeist living in the middle of a UFO landing zone would rush out like a demented idiot to get there? Anyway, it’s quite — (“THERE’S — IT’S”) our relationship has so much love and humor. It’s something organic that grows each passing day. And somehow it’s for more than one lifetime — this love. And He finds ways to keep it new. And He has been considering suicide but — that’s probably why humanity reflects this. But I don’t think He could ever commit suicide. I think God has a denial problem. Once I told Him — it was a prayer that I said when Andy made turkey recently — a few weeks after Thanksgiving and (“A WEEK”) a few weeks before Christmas. And I thanked Him for giving me a fuller and more exciting life (“FFE”) than I ever could have planned for on my own. I hope our love makes a difference in the world. There are no perfect Gods. No perfect people. And that’s what’s so wonderful about love. Our love goes beyond all boundaries and rational intent. There lurks an unknown God (“DD”) who has called me, someone mad enough to understand. Think of the many He’s called over the years. This love is something a God values much more than life itself. Because everything in life — fortune; energy — can be obtained except this love. It’s a mystery. But there is a love. God is love. For me. God is love. I don’t know why God loves me. But if we’re loving — each of us are loving to Him, how could He not give us anything but love in return? So this is how I’m spending my life. This trying to share with Him love. So just remember that. Don’t ask me for autographs. (“SSS”) Don’t — let me be like Greta Garbo. You have enough other stars. (“SSS”) Celebrities. (“SSS”) Writers. Poets. (“SSS”) Let me and my Lover enjoy our love. Thank you. This would be a good ending to one of my books. (“SSS”)
( . . . )
Q: P.S. (“AS”) The boundaries of time and space (“SSS”) mean nothing to my Lover. Our love has inspired Him (“MM”) to (“IT COULD”) make observations (“SSS”) and manifestations of it through many songs, books, poems, movies, plays (“SSS”) throughout the history of mankind. One of the most (“TTT”) unusual signs of this might have to do with the film entitled “Home Alone.” Notice the word ‘home’ in “Home Alone.” Actually, I saw the sequel to the film before I had seen the first film. But I did notice that famous poster of McCauley Culkin. That expression that made him one of the richest people in the world. And an idol. Well, after my lover revealed Himself to me, I made an expression very similar to the one you see in that famous poster. I mean — (sighs) what expression would you have? I wonder during the photo shoot whose idea was that expression? It’s (“SSS”) — I could be imagining this. (“SSS” “BUT” “I’VE”) Recently I’ve been seeing photos. (“SSS”) This photo I’ve been seeing. I think there was an article on the Golden Globes in Variety and I saw this photo. It was sort of like a reminder. It’s usual the photos that I see in articles — sometimes the photos selected are ones that have a tie to something in my own life.
( . . . )
Q: By the way, none of my work has been easy. None of the associations I’ve been able to draw — I mean now, for example, I’m saying that I’m Immanuel, God’s messiah. So I really would like to find out if I have any Jewish ancestry. I also would like to make another of my famous recommendations and recommend people to contact — especially Jewish people — Jews For Jesus, 60 Page Street, San Francisco, CA 94102; phone number (415) 864-2600. (sighs) I also suggest the booklet A Messianic Look at Christmas and Hanukkah. There’s no author attributed but it’s definitely something suitable for my purposes (“SSS”) because it has some wonderful messages about God being concerned with every aspect of your life.
