JOURNAL — TAPE #36, SIDE #1
Q: Mark Russell Bell
R: radio commentator
Q: Goo Goo Dolls and “Name” is the song I just heard on the top 100 songs of 1995 countdown. It was number seven. (“I’M”) I decided to do an epilogue for my book (“YEAH”) using James’s tape recorder because mine broke on the way to the Grave Line Tours yesterday. I might include that in my next book. (“UH-HUH”) It depends on legal things or what ideas I have. I guess the next song on the countdown is one by Joan Osborne. I love that CD. Every song is good. So just to bring you up to date, (“YEAH”) some of the CDS I’ve been listening to are Don McLean’s “American Pie,” which is, like, the best CD I’ve ever heard just about. I can’t believe I haven’t heard it all before. (“I”) Especially the song “Vincent.” Every song is very touching. It’s like (“THIS IS”) truly one of the classic albums (“UHHHHH”) although I don’t hear it mentioned very often. The Echo & The Bunnymen CD “Songs To Learn & Sing” has eleven songs: “The Cutter,” “Never Stop,” “The Killing Moon,” “Silver,” “Seven Seas,” “Bring On The Dancing Horses,” “Rescue,” “The Puppet,” “Do It Clean,” “A Promise,” “The Back Of Love.” Midnight Oil’s “Blue Sky Mining” is another CD from my collection. (“MY FAVORITE”) My favorite songs on that CD are “Blue Sky Mine” and “Forgotten Years.” On “profile: the ultimate Sparks collection 2. Keep Right,” I’ve been listening to: “Beat The Clock,” “The Number One Song In Heaven,” “Tryouts For The Human Race,” “When I’m With You,” “Funny Face,” “Tips For Teens,”—and especially—”I Predict,” “All You Ever Think About Is Sex,” “Change” and “So Important.” (“TO” “UMM”) Another CD is “sedated in the eighties number two.” I won’t go through all the titles. (“BUT”) Of course, it features that song I like: “Love Is The Law” by The Suburbs and “I Confess” by The English Beat, “Wish I Could Fly Like Superman” by The Kinks, (“SSS”) “Pale Shelter” by Tears For Fears, “Los Angeles” by X; anyway, they’re all good. (“AND UM”) I listened to Ric Ocasek’s “Quick Change World” in the car the other day: “the big picture,” the first cut, and (“SOME OF THE ONES IN”) number six ‘feeling’s got to stay,’ ‘she’s on,’ Left Side, “I still believe,” — (“OH”) Left Side — that’s weird. That’s not a song. (“THAT’S JUST”) It’s separated into Right Side and Left Side. Oh well. What’s the last song? “help me find america.” So I’ve decided to do an epilogue and I thought I maybe would interview somebody at (“ONE OF”) an antique store. I thought I would tape an interview so you could hear a documentary study of me finding one of my pieces — one of these amazing antiques that I just sort of find. (“ANYWAY”) Today, I went to the gym and there were no antique stores open. I thought I would maybe go and get one today but everything was closed. My T-shirt that I wore was one that my friend and attorney Jonathan gave me. I’m going to dinner tomorrow night with Mark Kostabi and Jonathan. And I guess he got it at — (“A COM”) computer — what do you call those things on the weekends? (“SO”) A software convention or something. And this T-shirt is amazing. It’s got a picture on (“THE”) the front. Kolosta did the painting of these two men (“UM”) connected to this big light bulb-type machine that looks like a jack-in-the-box. It’s very postmodern. And on the back it says:
IN A TRUE PARTNERSHIP.YOU DON’T KNOW IN THE ENDWHO HAD WHAT IDEA,YOU JUST KNOW THAT TOGETHERYOU WERE MORE SUCCESSFULTHAN YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN APART.
Q: Well, I think (“YEAH”) that’s as good as explanation as any (“NO”) as to the nature of this book. (“YEAH” “UM”) Today I was reading (“UM”) a twins (“SSS”) essay from The New Yorker that my shrink gave me about identical twins. It’s an interesting thinkpiece on the terms of what makes somebody ‘somebody.’ (“INNATE” “THERE’S”) Plus, there’s a reference to the chimera. I think (“I”) I’m like a chimera — (“WITH”) Michael and me together (“UH-HUH”) the way we are. (“NO”) It’s like I’m a chimera. (“UH-HUH”) Our relationship is good. (“BUT”) It’s so frustrating He doesn’t speak to me directly. What’s this next song?
R: Number five. Another big song from “Tigerlily”: Natalie Merchant and “Carnival” . . . (“SO UM” “IT’S”)
Q: Every day I wake up and I still can’t believe everything I’ve experienced. It’s just so hard to get it through my head. I thought I would (“N’T”) watch the Rose Parade today — (“SINCE IT’S”) January 1st. (“AND”) I watched one float. And I’ve seen the parade a hundred times before so I wasn’t paying that close of attention — I was sort of reading the newspaper. (“AND IT”) The TV went off, as usual. (“I SHOULD’VE”) I should’ve known. I have more important things to do. But it did come back on when the float about the endangered animals (“WAS WAS”) was in the parade. (“NO” “WE”) So Michael wanted me to see that. I guess He just wants people to know that this is not just a problem. This is much, much more than a problem — that we all have to do our best. (“TTT” “TO”) Save the world. I mean we’re near the year 2000 and one of the possibilities is total annihilation. There’s no way around it. I mean with the hole in the ozone layer, the eradication of the rain forest, (“SSS”) pollution. The French are detonating nuclear weapons in the ocean. Do you know what that does to our food chain? I mean we’re going to be in big, big trouble. (“AND”) By the way, speaking of Nostradamus, it’s bad enough I’m the Son of Man but he also talked about an individual that people have incorrectly compared to ‘Antichrist.’ I don’t think I’ve talked about this before but when I came back from Oklahoma and thought (“THAT”) the demon had left my body and could get back into me at any time he wanted and do anything he wanted, I called up my brother Michael. And this is when I said, “I want to die” because I really thought that I was going to become a serial killer or something. (“UH-HUH” “AND IT WOULD BE NOTHING”) I would have no control — no say in the matter. So I called Michael and said, (“I’M”) “I’m not Christ. I’m Antichrist.” (“AND THEN YOU KNOW LIKE”) A half hour later, bingo — James, Michael, Fiona (“UH-HUH”) and a black man show up at my condo — along with an ambulance shortly thereafter. (“SO”) That was weird. (“UH-HUH”) Anyway, I was reading this Nostradamus book. (“SINCE”) My physical trainer has DAM tattooed on his arm and all that. (“AND”) I realize — (“SO”) look at the letters in my name. M — A in Mark, B in Bell and U — S in Russell. I’m Mabus. As if I didn’t have enough problems being Son of Man — I’m also Mabus. And one of my books explains that he is not one of the Antichrists. We all know who the Antichrists were: the early Catholic popes — (“SSS”) notice I said early — (“UM”) Napoleon and Hitler. I mean no one knows who the true Antichrists are. Anyway, this is my epilogue for my book and any connection I’m making is an observation that may or may not be correct. I’m not insane. I’m just sharing these impressions as possibilities and letting people draw their own conclusions. (“SO”) “Carnival” is over on the radio. That’s another song I’ve heard a lot. I wonder what number four is. “Free As A Bird” from The Beatles. Well, that seems a good choice to me because (“AH”) if ever a group was divinely-inspired, it’s The Beatles. In fact, I’m very curious to hear (“UH-HUH”) that song — I heard they found a song that George Harrison never remembered recording. Well, guess what? The Entity can assume the voice of anybody (“YEAH”) perfectly. I mean just read about The Bell Witch or just listen to some of my tapes because He can be anyone or anything at any time. The obscene phone call that Twyla received ties in to the case. (“I MEAN”) He could be working through people’s subconscious minds. He can do anything. Anyway, but He’s chosen me to prove all this to you and show this all to you so I can share it with everyone else (“NO”) and try not to be ambivalent about it. (“TTT”) I mean I know He is a God of love. (“BUT”) It’s incomprehensible understanding the precise things that He does. And it’s hard to be loving all the time. I try and try and try. (“BUT”) It’s so frustrating playing this role. (“UH-HUH” “I MEAN NONE OF MY OTHER”) None of my fantasies were like this. (“I MEAN”) My fantasies were much more mundane: getting a script sold to have it made into a disappointing, altered version; or moving to a house in Bel-Air with a swimming pool. I’m trying to be nice about this. Notice I said “trying.” Oh God it’s (“SSS”) hard. Anyway, I don’t even know what else I’m supposed to say. (“YEAH” “BUT”) This is my epilogue, I guess, for my book. (“KKK”) I’m still doing volunteer work. I made a six month commitment to do that. Today there was an article in the Los Angeles Times about a way to cure your back so I read that to Andy over the phone. It had to do with eating pineapple for a week and bathing with Epsom salts. A doctor actually had been cured doing that and, anyway, we’ll see if he does that. I think he should. (“UH-HUH”) I mean if a friend you knew was living with an angel and (“YEAH”) told you this I think you’d do it, wouldn’t you? What do you have to lose? Anyway, I went to the book store this weekend and, in addition to the Nostradamus books, I got this old beautiful book entitled Song of the Bell. It was only $6.50. I’ve been going a lot to the poetry section recently. (“YEAH” “AND” “IT” “‘S”) This book is a song from the great poet Schiller translated by W. H. Furness. This book is (“WAS”) copyrighted in 188?. You can’t see the last digit very well and the book looks like it could almost be that old. (“NOT”) It’s probably not that old but it’s beautiful with engravings. And it’s very symbolic. (“YEAH”) I have it here in my condo. Plus I have a desk calendar that I’m using. It is the “Angel Encounters 1996 Calendar” by Karen Goldman. It sounds a lot like a friend’s name (without the man). (“KAREN [PHONETIC] GOLFT”) It has a lot of wonderful little symbols throughout it. (“AND UM THE FIRST”) I had to laugh. (“BECAUSE”) Uh-oh, three more songs on the countdown. The next one is Alanis Morissette’s “Hand In My Pocket.” I hear all these songs all the time but I never remember their names or pay much attention to who sings them. They’re all channeled, anyway. So the first message in this (“CA”) calendar is “Sometimes angels look human in form, but they are not. They enter our vision in forms we like, in disguises that appeal. There are small, subtle, and deeply guiding miracles of love happening, little angel encounters taking place, with or without our awareness, all the time, to all of us.” Well, I can vouch for that. So (“UH”) I painted a painting the other day — one of my famous paintings. The one I’m giving to James, by the way, has my name with Mabus in different colored letters and it also has Son of Man sort of hidden in the back. (“AND”) I designed another painting with a very important message. (“SHH”) It’s small 8″ x 10″ painting. I always use acrylics because they dry faster than oils. The message is basically very simple but to the point. (“TOO”) “Maybe everyone considered delusional or schizophrenic throughout history was that way because of Michael.” It’s something to think about. It was hard for me to think of examples because once somebody’s considered crazy they don’t become famous. Or even you don’t usually hear of them again. (“SO”) I came up with Joan of Arc, Sybil and the movie “Harvey.” So my painting has a little Charlie Chaplin rubber stamp image. (“BECAUSE HE HAS”) His moustache looks just like Hitler’s, if you know what I mean. (“UMMM”) And there’s also a little movie camera which I used on all my Christmas cards. And the pyramid with the eye in it—the eye of God—which I also used in my Christmas cards and (“IT’S IN”) my other paintings that I’ve done for friends. (“SSS”) Because I painted all my presents this year which is much more in tune with the true spirit of Christmas than going out and buying something. I think we should all do that next year. I think we should all give money to charity and then make gifts. (“FOR ONE ANOTHER” “IT’S” “YOU KNOW”) That’s much more the spirit of Christmas. So I’m going to turn off my tape recorder now. And I’ll have to come back on later and tell you what the other songs are. (“OF” “YOU KNOW”) The top number one and two songs of the year. (“YEAH”) And if there’s anything else I can remember to add, I’ll add it then.
( . . . )
Q: Well, the cover of James’ tape recorder is broken but it seems to be working. (“NOW” “UM”) Alanis Morissette also had the number two song: “You Oughta Know.” So the number one song’s about to be announced. (“TIE”) And so it the listener who is winning (“TOP FIFTY”) the top fifty CDS and a stereo system. I think his name will probably be Bell or (“SIR”) something. (“NO” “BUT UM”) I just was thinking. (“I CAN’T”) There really isn’t anything to add. It’s just because everything in the book is probably worth reading one or two times. There’s probably a lot of things in it that even I don’t realize. If I heard them correctly in the first place — some of those messages. I will say as I’ve gone along it’s easier to hear the voices. (“SO”) For example, tapes four and five have a lot more messages than tapes one and two because I probably could hear them better.
R: . . . about to reveal the song that you voted number one of 1995 and we also are going to reveal the name of our listener who’s going to walk off with the top fifty CDS of 1995 and a Sony stereo system. And before we — I’m trying to get his name out here. It’ll be a woman. Woman ruled 1995 I think in music. Maybe it’ll be me. And the winner is me. Anyway, okay, I got a name here in my sweaty palm. I want to thank all of you for the — we just got tons of suggestions and you made this list and you did a fine job. Okay. The winner of the top fifty CDS of 1995 — and the Sony stereo system is — Robert Romano of Los Angeles. Robert, you’re the big winner. Congratulations, Robert, you have won the top fifty CDS of 1995 —
Q: Roman? Romano.
R: — and a Sony stereo system. I think you’re great. (“I THINK”) There you go. For doing nothing but sending it in there. By the way, all of our listener’s club members will get a copy of both of our countdowns. (“UH”) Both of our countdown lists. We’ll send them to you in about a week. And if you’re a non-member, just send us your name, address and daytime phone with a self-addressed-stamped-envelope. And we’ll send you a copy and enroll you in the club. Okay. Here we go. It’s the number one song of 1995 as voted by you. (“AND I” “”YOU FIGURED”) Probably figured it out by now. Mike and I were on the phone talking about how Alanis Morissette —
Q: Mike and I?
R: — and our next artist really battled it out. In fact, Mike had this wonderful college football analogy about how it’s up to the individual to decide who really won the year. In some people’s mind, the year belonged to only one singer and one singer only. And that one singer would be Joan Osborne. With the number one song of 1995 as voted by you — it’s “One Of Us” on FM 101.9.
Q: Well, I’m surprised because this song really hasn’t been getting nominations or top ten list mentions that I’ve read so far but I guess people really like it. I think it’s a neat song. So, all I can say is we all have to look around. (“AT”) Look at all the various gifts of love that we experience every day. Everything is a gift of love from God. Every book we have. Everything we eat. (“TTT”) And (“DDD”) God is communicating (“THAT”) we have to give back something to future generations — to life itself or life cannot exist. The Earth is dying. (“NO”) Just one aspect of God. (“SO”) I’ll let people who are much smarter than me try to figure out what’s the truth. (“I”) Because each day — some days I think (“I”) — some days I believe in angels. Some days I believe in aliens. Some days I believe in Michael. Some days I believe in everything or anything or nothing depending on what my mood is. (“SOME DAYS”) Today, (“YEAH”) listening to this song right now, “One Of Us,” (“SO”) I just think there’s just one God (“UH-HUH”) and He’s just pretending to be all these different things. (“SSS” “BECAUSE”) They’re what we understand. (“DDD”) Aliens. Serial killers. (“SO”) I mean these parables of good and evil are what we understand. And He’s trying to reach us. (“AND” “SO”) Unfortunately — or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I get the task of dealing with it as one single human being would have to deal with all these different possibilities because — (“IT’S JUST” “YOU KNOW YOU KNOW”) I don’t know.
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: THE SONG LYRICS HEARD ON TAPE HERE ARE “YEAH YEAH YEAH. WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US? . . .”)
Q: I mean I would like to be His son. I mean who wouldn’t? (“YEAH”) But I’m no different from anybody else. (“I SEE”) Today I was at the gym and I was watching people come into the gym. I mean these people are not figments of my imagination. Regardless of what my father said. (“UM” “YOU KNOW”) It’s hard. (“BECAUSE”) Once something like this happens to you, you think, (“WELL”) “Why is this happening to me?” You don’t have anyone else’s perspective to compare this all to. So you think that this must be a dream. I’m in a coma maybe and this is just a dream. This is too good to happen. (“I MEAN”) But it’s also bad because no one’s ever going to believe (“AN YOU”) you, anyway. It’s just — I mean why me? I’m still clueless. I still don’t know anything. (“AND I” “STILL”) I still have the same fears and hopes and dreams of everyone else. Not really. I don’t really care much about anything other than making God happy but what else is new? (“UM”) But I’m still clueless. (“SO”) I still struggle with my emotions. There is, like, a thousand different people in me. But there’s only one. (“SO”) I mean those Michael books are probably just lies. (“I MEAN”) I said that much before. (“BECAUSE I JUST”) It’s just too much for me to understand. But maybe it’s true. I don’t know. But do you know what? If you (“IF YOU”) love God, you don’t have to worry because He’ll take care of you. (“UH-HUH”) He’s taken care of me. (“SO” “E” “YOU KNOW”) The song is really neat and everything. (“AND”) Right now, I don’t see home as being somewhere out in the Orion galaxy even though it might well be. Home is where the heart is and my heart is here with Michael. Even though He doesn’t talk to me on a one-to-one basis. I only hear some of his expressions through the tapes and there’s different voices and everything. I’m starting to ramble because I’m at the end of the tape again. And now I’m consciously trying to end it with a punctuation mark. But I think this Joan Osborne song probably is a good way of ending my book. (“YEAH”) It just seems very timely — (“BECAUSE ALL”) there’s also been a lot of (“SSS” “POW”) reawakened spirituality (“UH-HUH”) newspaper articles I’ve been reading recently about people (“PEOPLE”) really coming together and feeling that something is about to happen. I wish I knew what it was. (“SO”) I don’t think it’s this book. (“I DON’T THINK THIS BOOK”) This book might not even get published. I think it’s probably the movie version. (“UH-HUH”) I think the aliens, maybe, really are making a movie of my life. And it’s going to be a really neat movie and I don’t know when it’s going to air but it could happen at any time. We could be in the theatres, we could be watching TV. It could happen at any time. It could happen when the world ends. I mean they say life is like a movie and you see your life flash before your eyes. So maybe this will happen to me alone or we’ll all get to see it. It will flash before our eyes. Either at the nuclear holocaust or at our death. Or both. Or whatever. I mean I’m just rambling now. (“BUT” “YOU KNOW”) They say all these things and (“THAT DON’T” “LIFE IS”) “We’re all part of God’s dream.” He makes movies for Himself as in that book Love’s Awakening. (“WE’RE ALL PART OF”) We’re all in God’s movie. (“SO”) I can’t wait to see the movie. (“UH-HUH”) So I’m going to turn off the stereo now and have dinner. It’s probably overcooked. (“BUT”) I don’t know what to think of all this. (“SO”) I hope my book is published by a real publisher and not self-published because I think that might be very expensive and those subsidy publishers — from what I’ve read (“THEY”) they still want a lot of the net proceeds. (“SO”) Anyway, hopefully I’ll get a good publisher. I still am hoping on Simon & Schuster. (“NO” “MAYBE”) Maybe for the second edition if I have to self-publish the first edition. I’m probably going to move to Santa Monica and live in an apartment because Andy called me and said that there was a possibility of that and a psychic said that I probably will be moving to Santa Monica. I can’t remember which one. There’s so many of them. But I’m feeling very happy, trying to be loving, trying not to take it all too seriously. (“YEAH”) And I (“YEAH” “I”) enrolled in the Quality Paperback Book Club to get an updated, new edition of Nostradamus’s prophecies.
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: ONE OF THE LAST TELEVISION PROGRAMS I TRIED TO WATCH DURING THE EARLY STAGES OF MY WORK ON THIS BOOK WAS BARBARA WALTERS’ INTERVIEW WITH CHRISTOPHER REEVE. I JUST SAW THE OPENING TEASER CLIP BEFORE MY TV WENT OFF — REEVE SAID SOMETHING LIKE: ‘SOMETHING WONDERFUL IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.’)