JOURNAL — TAPE #133, SIDE #2
Q: Mark Russell Bell
Q: (speaking into tape recorder) “— Cheering together. Standing together. All of them shouting, most of them waving. Almost as if they were waving at each other. ‘Good competitors should be cheered, no matter who they are,’ said Durson the Turk. ‘I think, maybe, we were all celebrating,’ said Kementzidis the Greek. ‘You Americans think gold medals are everything. Gold medals are not everything.'”
( . . . )
Q: So it’s almost 1 a.m. early Thursday and I’m just going to sleep after transcribing tonight. It’s very upsetting — this interview particularly on tape #45 with my mother. It’s very difficult for my ego when I transcribe these tapes. And why I tape-recorded them in the first place sometimes makes me wonder. But, anyway, I was asking Mighael to do something. I was saying things like, “I miss you, Mighael. Throw a penny or leave a dime or whatever. So, eventually, I went to the car wash and, of course, visited the famous weight machine with the disparaging messages. I just had to put a quarter in to see what new message I would get. And it wasn’t too bad. I wrote it down. It was: “You are a born leader, proud, energetic and ambitious, but watch your vanity as you have a weakness for flattery.” And I was only 202 lbs. so I have lost some weight. But I thought this was a humorous message because I was expecting much worse than that. And, as I went outside, right where I sat down there was a nickel waiting for me, which I thought was very sweet and loving. So that’s all I have to say today.
( . . . )
Q: So it’s Friday and yesterday was a very difficult day. Of course, Mighael always is very consistent in terms of the occurrences in my life so what I tell you will be very consistent with what has happened until now although it’s hard for me to understand. So after working on the Hotline I went to my hair and beard appointment in Beverly Hills and — oh, by the way, the man who gave me a shampoo was named Cesar. And then I went on home and transcribed. And then I was feeling pretty exultant in my love and my status so I went to dinner with my brother. And I brought him my most recent portion of the book to show him along with some of those Michael books and my tape recorder because I wanted to ask him to consider if this all was true what would that mean in terms of my relationship with Mighael? What did he think? Of course, I gave him the tape recorder and he said something completely ridiculous and asinine — just more of his usual absurdity but yet some of the things he said sort of did seem like Mighael. And then, of course, he had chosen the restaurant we met at, Cobalt, and right next door there was a new antique store which had lots of objects on consignment — wouldn’t you know it? Michael has a knack for picking these places that lead to other places so, of course, I guess I’m pretty consistent too. Michael and I went inside the store, after dinner. I asked the lady, who’s from London, and she said that she’s only been open two days and Michael bought an interesting wooden figurine of a woman. She looked a little bit like a witch but it was only $12 so I said he just had to get it. And, of course, I saw a steamer trunk that was so close to mine I was shocked. In all honesty, my first response was, “Oh my goodness. Was there more than one Ark of the Covenant?” But then as I looked at it closely I realized that no, it was just an ordinary steamer trunk. And there were some variations with mine but so much of it was so similar that my response really was, “Well, I don’t have the Ark of the Covenant. I just have a 19th or 18th century steamer trunk even though not having seen others like it I can understand why I thought what I had was the Ark of the Covenant to begin with.” It just fit the description so well and I had just never seen — I had seen other steamer trunks but never like that one, of course. I still haven’t quite made up my mind as what to say exactly about this so I think — I had the lady measure the one in the store and it’s not the exact, same dimensions as mine. She told me it was 1′,10″ by 3’ for the width and the length. And mine is different than that but so much of it is so similar that I really don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll go look at it some more today on the way home from the gym. I don’t know what to say except — I don’t know. I guess I should just report the events. So I didn’t really feel like I have any special claim on Mighael. Nor would I even want to have one. And just like a song I’ve been listening to — I don’t think — love is not important in life really. If I knew what it was. I used to think that everything was just sort of fate and I was just doing things — that I really didn’t have much of a say in the matter. And now I’m beginning to think that everything I’ve done is a mistake. Just like I ruined my professional ties. (“NO”) And all my friends think I’m out of my mind. But I guess my journey with Mighael has led me here so that I could learn what I learned — in fact, on the cover of the Los Angeles Times I see there’s a headline that says:
“That is chance.That is not fate.”
Q: The article has to do with TWA Flight 800 that crashed. So I guess my own flight as whatever I am has also crashed because I never would have chosen such an unlikely path to enlightenment but where it has taken me is — I just feel sort of silly, humiliated and embarrassed.
( . . . )
Q: And Mighael’s still doing loving things. When I came downstairs this morning I found this microcassette where I had left it but the tape looked like it had bent in the machine and I hadn’t noticed it before so I listened to it and I realized that the tape was at the place at the end of the previous day and the portion that I had recorded at the restaurant with my brother was no longer there. It was pretty insignificant, anyway, frankly. So I guess what I feel right now is that if Mighael was listening and believing me I would tell Him I was happy or I thought I was happy before I went to Oklahoma and now I don’t know if I can ever be happy or if there is such a thing as happiness. I guess I still cling to my dreams of a special love and I don’t really care much about success anymore — personal success, prestige and those things because I know what an illusion they are. I just —
( . . . )
Q: — see Mighael having led me so carefully to each insight. It’s uncanny about seeing that steamer trunk last night but everything is in terms of my journey with Mighael. I knew there’ve been uncountable amounts of people I’m sure who’ve had similar lives and have ended up crazy or homeless or in agony somehow because this was their lesson. I mean others don’t have these same obstacles for whatever reason. So I feel like I know Mighael less now and I have less to say about life now than what I used to because it seems preposterous that what we say and do and think in previous lives could have a bearing on this one. But that seems to make some kind of sense. Or maybe it’s all just randomness and experimentation and testing and God learning from the doings of these silly humans who have such big egos.
( . . . )
Q: So my story, I guess, in stark contrast with the Christ metaphor, is of somebody being led to think that he has an exalted status and then realizing that he doesn’t. (“TTT”) A lot of the things — the truths I’ve seen I still firmly believe in. It’s just — (“OH GO”) I just felt something on the back of my neck.
( . . . )
Q: So this is Mighael’s book. It’s definitely not the way I would choose or want to represent myself or how I would want to represent Mighael with but it’s the one He’s chosen. So I hope it has meaning for you.
(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: I LEFT THE REMAINDER OF THIS TAPE SIDE BLANK.)