Q: Mark Russell Bell
M: Mancow, host of WCRX “Mancow’s Morning Madhouse” radio show
F: Freak, show regular
A: Amy (caller)
C: Claude (caller)
I: Irma, show regular
H: Jonathan Handel (my attorney on answering machine)


M: I mean how pompous are these people? Jesus. You’re not artists. You do songs. You do hit songs for radio. Give some of the hits. Sting is the same way. Go see Sting in concert. You’ll hear two hours of music you don’t know. And at the end he’ll come out and do a two-minute acoustic version of “Roxanne” — “Thank you. Good night. I’m Sting.” Well, Sting, shove it. You suck. You suck.

Q: (sighs)

( . . . )

M: Supertramp is touring and they don’t want to do their hits. They want to do stuff off their new album and nobody cares. You know — the same thing, man. I went and saw ZZ Top and they did stuff off “Recycler.” They did new stuff. You know — give us “Tush.” Give us “Cheap Sunglasses.” What?

F: . . . another band.

M: Oh they suck. Oh God, stick a fork in Rush. No no — let me tell you something. And, you know, this woman I work with, Jo Robinson — “Rush. Rush.” You know what? Yeah great. When you’re sitting around getting high — “2112.” And she keeps trying to shove Rush down everyone’s throats. You know what? Nobody cares about Rush. Please. I sat around and burned a big doob and listened to “2112” and — “Listen to the meaning.” And a naked guy — what’s a naked guy (doing) stand(ing) on a piece of meat? You know? Yeah okay great. “Today’s Tom Sawyer he gets high on you.” You know what? We’ve heard it. We’ve heard it. Please please please can we move into the middle ’80s maybe? You know? Can we move into the ’90s? How about that? There’s great music happening now and I just don’t understand people who sit around — yeah sure, once in a while, great, put on “Tom Sawyer.” How many freaking times you need to hear that? And if Rush did anything decent in the last fifteen years I could understand it but, like a lot of old prick DJs that clutter our airwaves: “I was great. I did this and I did this.” Yeah — ten, twenty years ago. What have you done for me lately? These old bands, again — Styx sucks. Chicago touring now — they suck. You know? How dare these pricks? Survivor. Dead. Casanova Ace just have another heart attack? (What) the hell was that? (Have) you seen what this guy eats? Chitlins — you know (what) chitlins is? Do you know what it is? It’s just guts.

F: Isn’t it like —

M: No. It’s guts. It’s just guts. They cook them in a pot. Casanova loves that stuff. Anyway, my girlfriend’s on the phone. Jenny? Hi. This is “Mancow’s Morning Madhouse.” Welcome. Here on the free speech radio network. My girl Jennifer — we took a video tape of some lovemaking and now I can’t find the tape. Okay. And now we can’t find the tape and she’s freaking out. And I’m just asking anyone listening — and we’ll give you something if we go on the radio. I know these are tough stories. You hear these stories every once in a while about how they’re, you know — somehow it ended up on cable access or the kids took it to school. I’m just curious — is there anyone listening who videotaped lovemaking with their wife or their girlfriend or their husband or whatever. (gives call-in numbers) Spell it out on your keypad of your phone. Match up the numbers like, for instance, an A would be a — that would be a number 2 on my phone. Call us and I want to know did anything like this happen? You know who I got on the phone is my brother’s wife Amy. Hey, Amy.

A: Hi. . . .

M: Hey. So what — I have never heard this story. What? Okay. Hi, Jenny. Yes. Yeah yeah. Is it true — I mean he is — he’s a nymphomaniac, isn’t he? My brother?

F: Here we go.

M: Okay. Alright. She doesn’t — he’ll be teased at work. I’m telling you this guy is amazing. Eleven years and I mean they’re — she’s happy all the time. Okay. (small laugh) Uh-huh. Mark Jr. — okay.

A: . . . video-taped . . .

M: Uh-huh. Is it graphic? Okay. Oh God! I’ve never heard this story. (“CAN YY” “WW WW”) Can you imagine — Irma, can you imagine you’re married to a man and you have his child and he shows your dad a picture of a baby’s head — oh God. Uh-oh.

A: . . . my mom watched . . . was different. When my dad sat down and my other brother . . . little uncomfortable . . .

M: Oh that’s disgusting. Her private part. Amy, you have no idea where the video is?

A: No idea.

M: You know what? I bet it’s for sale bootleg all over Japan. You know. And I love the description of childbirth. I mean Carol Burnett said a great — you know. It’s like pulling your bottom lip over the back of your head but the new one is: “It’s like pulling a pot roast out of a Pringle’s can.” Let’s go out to Hollywood. We’ve got a bunch of people hanging on. Amy, I hope you find that tape. We’ve got the Hollywood gay boy hanging on and you’ve heard about these Mexicans that have been turned into slaves. We’ve got a top person from INS on. Also, someone who wants to add three new commandments to the Bible as well so stick around.

( . . . )

M: Claude, tonight — actually later this afternoon I’m going to be seeing a screening of “Spawn.” Have you seen Spawn yet? Am I going to like it? Give the review Friday but just tell me. Am I going to like it?

C: It’s got lots of action but . . .

M: Okay. I’ve heard enough. Go ahead.

( . . . )

M: . . . first time they are letting some news out. I mean this — George Lucas has let some things slip. He even vowed that no news would come out but it really has. We’re going to also see the robots being made in this movie. And they are right now filming in a palace in Italy which is supposed to be, like, I guess Leia’s parents’ palace or something like this. So — yeah. I can’t wait, man. That new “Star Wars” flick. That’s going to be neat. But how long have we heard about this? How long? How many years has he been promising us? He owes us. He owes us. I mean how much money has he made? Oh god.

( . . . )

M: “Johnny Quest”! “Johnny Quest”!

( . . . )

M: . . . How are you? Welcome to the program. I’m doing good. This is a heartbreaking story. And what is your involvement in this — these deaf Mexicans turned into slaves there in New York? Um-huh. Did they pick them because they were deaf? I mean we hear that so many of them were deaf. Is that — I mean was it on purpose? Sure. Tell me about their living conditions there in New York City.

( . . . )

M: . . . you know, I noticed — I went to Cancun one time and there are guys at the borders as you fly in with, I mean, machine guns. And they hassled me. They checked me. They went through my luggage. Everything. It just seems to me if you’ve traveled out of America you realize (in) other countries they don’t kid around. America is so nice to foreigners and to people that are in here illegal. You’re head of INS — is there anything that can be done about — I mean — and I lived in California. I lived in Solinas. I remember when INS was in the area you’d see buses of people empty and scatter into fields and —

I: “Immigra!”

M: No. And I worked at a station that catered in the Salinas valley to Latinos and when you heard INS was in the building, man, half the radio station — we went dead. I mean they ran out of the building.

I: (laughs) (“UH” “WHAT”)

M: You know, (“WOULD YOU”) it’s wrong. I mean why should somebody be able to come over here, have a child and we have to pay for it for the rest of its life and school it because the child was born here? What is going on right now? What is the attitude you think in our country about illegals? Yes.

( . . . )

M: . . . political refugee. Her family was — in fact, she’s got relatives in jail in Cuba and she came over legally. They fought and went through all the paperwork but I mean it was quite a battle to get into this country. And, Irma, you really hate illegals, don’t you? I mean you hate people who are over here illegally.

I: Absolutely I do. They’re taking advantage —

M: But you’re an immigrant. Why do you hate that?

I: There are legal ways to do things. This is the land of opportunity. There are legal ways to do everything. If you’re sneaking in you should be sent right back. It’s jut not fair to those that are trying to do it properly because then we get the bad rap because someone else is doing it wrong.

M: Hey, Russ, is it true that there are so many Italians named Tony because they used to say ‘TO NY’ on their patch as they went through Ellis Island?

I: (small laugh) That’s a great one. I’ve never heard that.

M: Let me tell you something. Yeah.

I: They screwed up my mom’s birthday. (“THEY GET”) Her birthday was, like, the tenth. We don’t — I don’t even know. (“THEY”)

M: Yeah. They goofed it up.

I: It’s either the tenth or the sixteenth and they screwed it up.

M: Well, anyway, I’ve always heard that there are so many Italians named Tony.

I: Yeah, that’s funny.

M: I mean you go into the bar where Turd works . Our guy — weird guy on the show named Turd. It’s a long story, Russ. But you go in there and say, “Tony” and the whole, you know — all — they go like — twenty Italians turn around.

I: (laughs)

F: What?

M: . . . When they came over from Italy, they wrote ‘to New York’ because they didn’t speak English. And they wrote ‘TO NY’ when they went through Ellis (Island) — anyway.

I: Everybody — that’s funny.

M: But it’s a lie. Now you know.

I: (laughs)

M: Glad I could help you today. Certainly, you know, illegals — nobody should be made into a slave and I know you guys are working to stop this at the INS. Do you feel to some extent though like your hands are tied about what you can do? Shouldn’t you be able to be more active in enforcing the laws and getting these people out of the country that are here illegally? Shouldn’t we be able to put up a big fence between us and Mexico? You ever been to Mexico? Yeah. You understand why they’re coming over here. I’d want to get the hell out of there too.

( . . . )

M: . . . calls here. Go to — let’s go to Steve. Steve had his — his lovemaking tape got out. (“R R” “RIGHT”) But he won’t say — I don’t know. What’s your story, man? Wait wait wait wait wait — your parents videotaped themselves having sex? I will never forget the first time I realized — I saw a Trojan in the trashcan.

F: Oohh.

M: No, I — no, dude, I’m telling you my dad — you know, a fat old hairy guy and my mom looks like a mom and I mean I was probably fifteen or sixteen. And I looked in the trash and I saw a condom in their bathroom. And I went, “My parents have sex.”

I: (laughs) Safe sex.

M: And . . . you were talking about this. It’s freaky to think your parents (are) getting it on, isn’t it?

I: Really weird.

F: Yeah.

M: I mean — I’ll tell you something. As a kid, I used to — you know, it used to freak me out to think about Jesus. And I’m a Christian. I believe in Jesus Christ. I don’t mean this to be sacrilegious. Please, up front, I don’t mean this to be sacrilegious but to think about Jesus, you know, relieving himself in the desert —

F: Right.

M: — which is hard — hard to picture our lord but I mean he was made of flesh. It’s hard to picture our parents having sex but they were obviously sexual creatures. You know, I mean I look at some of these pictures my dad took of my mom — these old black and white photos of my mom just looking ravishing, seventeen/eighteen years old — black and white photos, you know, with a little bit of knee showing and she looks just gorgeous. And you think — you know Dad was looking at these pictures going, “Oh yeah, baby. Yeah.” But we don’t see our parents as sexual.

I: No. (“NO”)

M: If I were her — my mom having sex?

I: (gasps) (sound of three claps) Your mother said that?

M: Steve, you saw — (laughs)

I: (laughs)

M: “Give it to me, Daddy.”

I: “Give it to me, Daddy.”

M: And it was her dad.

F: Yeah. Ho ho ho ho —

I: Hey, come on now.

M: Hey, Steve? So you saw your parents having sex?

( . . . )

M: Mmmm.

F: (laughs)

M: (laughs)

I: (laughs) (sound of three claps)

M: Oh my God. Oh my —

F: That’s not good.

I: In front of the whole family.

M: Let’s go to Tyler. Tyler, hello.

I: Wow.

M: That is a story. Give him some —

I: Yeah.

F: Yeah.

M: That was good. That was worthy.

F: That’s a good story.

I: Hang on.

M: Hey man. Hey buddy. So you — my girl — my tape is missing. I don’t think anything happened to it. My girlfriend does. And we decided to, you know, pull out the video tape and — so what happened to you? Oh man. Did you do her and her mom?

F: Brutal.

M: Okay. Let’s go to — that would’ve ended the story in a good way. Let’s go to Jim. Jim, hello. Hey dude. What happened to you with a video tape and lovemaking? Oh no. We don’t want to say that and get tons of business. Yeah, I — boy, I know a manager who’d be really pissed if you said the name of their business on the radio. That would be big trouble. Ooh yeah. You wouldn’t want to mention a business on the air. God forbid everybody came in because they heard it on the radio and spent money at your business. (“SUCK”)

I: That would just suck.

M: I just don’t understand that mentality —

I: I don’t get that at all.

M: — of some company. “Don’t mention our name on the radio.” Okay. Anyway, go ahead. What are we going to do? Tarnish your image? You work at a porno bookstore.

I: (laughs)

M: Jeese, man. Okay. Good. Good clue.

( . . . )

M: Mark, are you there?

Q: Yeah, Mancow.

M: Hey, welcome to the program.

Q: Hi.

M: You want to add three new commandments to the Bible.

Q: Right. By the way, I think my Angel has your video tape.

M: Okay.

Q: He’s always doing this to my friends and associates.

M: I’m sorry that we had to — I’m sorry that we had to go from videotaped sex into you and you’re obviously a religious man.

Q: Oh no, that’s fine. I once worked in the porno magazine industry.

M: Okay. See? There you go. So what did you do? You got saved?

Q: No, um no — well yes, I did. I got saved. It’s a long story. I was working at Paramount Pictures as a publicity writer and I went to Oklahoma because I heard about a talking poltergeist case. And it turned out it was an Angel. And the Angel has been sort of guiding me ever since (“INTO”) to cover-ups and revealing secrets of history and religion. Cover-ups — for example, Nasa’s Cassini Mission; the Biosphere II cover-up. I’m just encountering all these cover-ups and I’m supposed to tell mankind, I guess. Somebody better.


Q: There are all these prob(lems) —

M: Yeah. And what did this angel tell you (“THAT YOU”) that’s been following you?

Q: Well, one of the major things, of course, were these commandments. For example, my TV set would blink on and off. And one of the messages, I guess, was from some kind of commercial where “Love is the only religion.” And, of course, after (“THIS”) hearing this repeated message in many different ways, I realized this was one of the three new commandments.

M: You believe that God is telling you that we should have thirteen commandments instead of ten?

Q: Working through the Angel Mighael.

M: Okay.

Q: And it turns —

M: Your angel’s name is Michael?

Q: Right.

M: Does he look like John Travolta?

Q: No because He’s a Spirit.

M: Okay. (“HE’S”)

Q: And actually He’s an Amassing of spirits. When I first learned about this case, everyone thought it was a poltergeist and, of course, there is a parallel to the 19th century — the Bell Witch case. So there are all these talking poltergeists through history and I realized it was all the same Entity. So there was a case study that I —

M: Why has God chosen you, sir? To send down Michael the angel to give the world the three new commandments?

Q: Well, it turns out in one of my former lives I was a priest named Ra Ta living in Egypt. And, apparently, I was doing the same thing in that lifetime as I am in this lifetime. And since we — our lifetimes are simultaneous, the same things are happening in different eras.

M: (no response)

Q: These are just some of the things that I’ve learned from my experiences.

M: (no response)

Q: So — anyway.

M: I’m just sitting here with my mouth open. Are you serious?

Q: Right. Well, it turns out Edgar Cayce did say that Ra Ta would be returning to the world around this time. And, of course, I realized that Nostradamus was a Mighael channel much like me and much like previous people in history like Nostradamus. (I meant Edgar Cayce) In fact, they even have the word Ra in their names.

M: Alright alright. So — so — so now it’s aliens? (“WELL”) (Does) it have to do with aliens? (“BUILD”)

Q: Well, see, the poltergeist always ties-in with superstitions of the day and age. And this is how He tests people.

M: Okay okay — so let me get — so the first — okay. Commandment number eleven, actually, would be “Love is the only true religion.”

Q: Right.

M: Okay. What is the next one that the alien/poltergeist/angel gave you?

Q: “Give back to the world as much as you take.” (“GAY” “THESE ARE”) Because we have all —

M: These are great. These are great commandments. I mean —

Q: Well, (“THEY MAKE”) just think. If all the millionaires in the world just kept enough for themselves as to what they would need, we wouldn’t have a problem.

M: Mark — Mark — Mark, first of all, your voice is extremely annoying. I find you to be really a nut.

Q: Well, isn’t that what people would’ve told the original Jesus?

M: Absolutely. Absolutely, sir. And, you know, that’s what people told John Denver in “Oh, God!” Okay?

I: (laughs)

M: Perhaps — no, wait a minute. Perhaps God chose you. I am a believer but sir, you — your voice is like fingernails down a chalkboard but whatever. I am listening to you — you have to understand my opinion. Please — I’m not coming from a place of hate. I’m just speaking honestly. Okay?

Q: Well — (“WH WH”)

M: I will tell you one thing.

Q: Um-huh.

M: That the Catholic church and Paul — Paul was one of the men who voted to kill Jesus — a lot of the laws that are in the Bible were written in there by Paul, who was not an apostle although people think he was. And Paul adds a lot of the rules that we have in the Bible. The fact is that Jesus — if you read what Jesus said — Jesus said — real simple — “Love God as you would love yourself and love is the answer.” So you’re coming here saying that —

Q: Yes but I’m saying that love — (“YOU HAVE TO”) love is an action. It’s a verb.

M: Absolutely.

Q: It’s not a noun.

M: Okay, I — so even though you’re annoying and I think you’re, you know — you’re a nutty — (momentary dead air on line) some good — there’s some good information here.

Q: Well, my book actually is the new Testament for mankind. In fact, it’s free. It’s on the Internet at so I hope you’ll —

M: — okay.

Q: Right.

M: “Give back to the world as much as you take.” More good advice. Even if it came from a poltergeist.

Q: And the third one is “Thou shalt not participate in cover-ups.”

M: Okay. What does that mean? “Thou shalt not participate in cover-ups”?

Q: Well, look at all the cover-ups we have in the world. The media is only concerned with movies and what Hollywood star is —

M: So Bill Clinton’s going to burn in hell because of Whitewater, which we all — we all know Bill Clinton’s going to burn in hell, anyway.

Q: Well, there’s probably a few other reasons in there too. There’s been a lot of people being murdered in the Clinton White House. There’s no doubt about that.

M: Um-huh. Okay. So, sir, do you believe these are from outer space then? Are they from an angel? Are they from a ghost? What are we talking about? (“WELL” “WHAT”)

Q: What one person thinks is a spirit, other people would perceive as an alien and still others would perceive as an angel.

M: Now wait a minute. Wait wait wait. Do you also believe it could be bigfoot?

Q: Well, there is a picture of bigfoot in my book.

M: Okay. No but do you believe bigfoot is an angel?

Q: Of course not.

M: Okay because — what about burning bushes?

Q: I had two. (“OKAY”)

M: You had a burning bush appear to you? (“YEAH”)

Q: Well, — yes. In fact, (“I HAD”) I had a nice Mormon couple research my family tree and it turns out I’m related to Alfred Hitchcock and Ken Russell. Film directors. And it has something to do with that. It’s some kind of colossal family plot.

M: (no response until someone whistles)

Q: You have to remember I worked at Paramount. I was in the publicity department so I was sort of a carpenter in the Hollywood dream factory.

I: (laughs) (another caller is featured whose comments I cannot hear)

M: (laughs) Oh this is wrong. This is wrong.

F: No. It’s funny.

M: I don’t like this. (other guest continues)

F: (laughs)

M: Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

Q: Who said — I can’t hear what he’s saying.


Q: So, of course, Angela was the one who called me and put me on hold before my interview. I have to laugh. My horoscope today says, “Almost effortlessly, you are at right place, will gain compliments.” It also says, “Emphasis on good fortune in matters of finance, romance.” So one is often true but finance? That would be nice. So the big news of the day is that a new collection of Nathanael West’s works has been published. And, of course, he’s one of my favorite authors even though I’ve only read his four novels. Apparently, one of his unproduced scripts and other letters and writings are now available in a special Library of America edition. I’m burning up too because when I was having breakfast I was reading in the paper about “ABC Planning Film on Alleged Serial Killer.” It says, “Television: Network has made a deal with Avenue Pictures to develop a script for a made-for-TV movie about Andrew Cunanan” by Brian Lowry. And it basically says: “The agreement comes as a surprise after officials at various networks, not wanting to appear exploitative, said they were not interested in a movie regarding the case. Avenue Chairman Cary Brokaw confirmed his company is finalizing deals with people who have knowledge of Cunanan’s story. He declined to say who they are, though sources say the company is dealing with law-enforcement officials and acquaintances of the killer. . . . ‘We’d like to do it as quickly as we can,’ Brokaw said.” And so in his next line he contradicts himself. “‘The intention by all concerned is not to make a headline-exploiting movie. It’s a complicated and tragic story that we want to do justice by.'” So why are you liking “to do it as quickly as we can”? What you do is you try to get the real story and you work on it and work on it. And, once you feel like this is the real story, that’s when you go ahead with it. (“SO”) Quality used to win out in terms of what distinguished something and received public attention. Now everything’s so exploitative that people don’t even know how to judge anymore. Listen to the way these hotshot Hollywood people talk. It says, “Other movies related to the case remain possible. Bill Contardi, an agent with the William Morris Agency, is representing the sale of film rights to the Versace biography and said that the book—which will be published next year—will focus on his ‘glamorous international background.'” Why don’t they just shut up and let the writers do their work and come up with the story? The real story. And then they can decide what the goddamned project will focus on.

( . . . )

Q: So it’s about three hours since my interview so I’m going to check my website to see if anyone’s visited. There’s been a very small trickle of visitors in recent days so I’ll know rightaway if anyone’s been able to visit after I was able to get in my website address during the interview. Thank goodness it’s a simple one but people still might have trouble. I think it was around 488 visits so far on the counter last night. 503. So that’s encouraging. Probably at least ten people visited. It only takes one to do something — call the media, change the world. I’m one person. I also have Email from my webmaster and he says he made the changes I requested. How exciting.

( . . . )

Q: So I went to the gym and stopped by the Co-Op. The cashier was named something unusual. His name was Htay. I wonder what that means. He didn’t know either. I have a message on my answering machine. Who can it be now?

H: Mark, it’s Jonathan. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. It’s been a crazy week.

Q: Uh-oh.

H: In fact, they got kind of buried.

Q: Jonathan never wants me to —

H: Regarding the copyright —

Q: — have him —

H: — it was hard to tell over the phone really what was going on from your message so if you do want me to take a look at the form or the letter that they sent or whatever exactly, why don’t you fax it over? It sounded like there was some —

Q: Too late.

H: — deviation from what we had requested. I’m a little concerned about that so —

Q: I am too.

H: You send it over and — you know.

Q: I can’t afford it.

H: Obviously, it’s not going to take an extensive amount of review —

Q: It ain’t taking any.

H: — time and money and all that kind of thing. So, anyway, give me a call, send me the fax, whatever. Let me know. Okay?

( . . . )

Q: So it’s evening and I’m very angry and very upset. As you know, in previous tapes I talked about the Santa Monica City Council and today there’s an article in Outlook Mail entitled “Tapping Anger” — “Homeless in SM protest limiting public showers” by Josh Grossberg reprinted from The Outlook. And it just makes me ill and angry and disgusted that the City Council decided “earlier this year to reduce from 16 to three hours a day the times showers are available to the homeless.” There was a July 22nd demonstration sponsored by Women of Conscience. I can’t believe it. Santa Monica’s homeless coordinator “Tracy Scruggs said the showers at Memorial Park were being overwhelmed by the 150 or so people who used them every day. ‘They were built for occasional recreational use,’ she said.” Well, shouldn’t she be on the side of the homeless people? I mean how many people in society — I mean do they hate — does everyone in society hate God? Not to share what they have with those less fortunate? I mean my God don’t people read Dickens anymore? Of course, my other pet peeve right now is I keep seeing small animals everywhere — dogs and cats who have so much love to offer. Everywhere, little kittens, puppies — and they’re in animal shelters throughout America, doomed to spend a loveless life because people jut can’t be bothered with animals. And I know that animals have a soul and that they have everlasting life. So let’s not make this life a hell for them. After all, they don’t have the options that we have. They can’t help themselves. That’s something that we should be doing as God’s physical presence on this Earth. And the Dow Jones hit a new record high (8,254.89) again today. People sure have a hell of a lot of giving back to do if they want to be in heaven and not hell because it’s entirely up to them.



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