JOURNAL TRANSCRIPT — TAPE #204, SIDE #1


Q: So I’m getting ready for the Festival of Books at UCLA tomorrow. I have twenty books with cover letters, duplicate color photos, the postcard and the Variety ad. And, of course, I plan on getting there early because of the parking nightmare. It’s going to be at Dickson Plaza at UCLA and I’ve gone through their 1997 program (guide) and marked the various possibilities. My cover letter is toned down as if I’ve learned my lesson. I talk about the interview participants and about how the book evolved and promotions for the book and the topics. I don’t make any claims or mention Nostradamus. I’m very sincere. I plan on just taking five copies of the book with me at a time in my Life bag. There are so many hundreds of famous writers that are going to be there. You never know who’ll you’ll bump into. I don’t plan on going to any lectures.

( . . . )

Q: You know, I’ve been thinking about that discussion by Robert C. Hoagland last night and I think I’ve seen that video of the blinking light on one of those unexplained phenomena shows. I remember because the blinking sped up during the zoom in. I remember that — seeing that somewhere. So this is not a new video, I don’t think. I just think it’s new for Hoagland. We’ll see what happens because if ufology and ufologists are a target of some clandestine group in the government then he ought to have a few problems right about now. I’m glad Mighael has spared me of a lot of that.

( . . . )

Q: So I went to Von’s for a change. The box girl was Marasela and my cashier was Kirk but I wasn’t in a talkative mood. I will say something sweet happened. I did get, by the way, Green Forest white bathroom tissue and they didn’t — I don’t really like the recyclable tissue paper so I must admit I did get the large-sized Kleenex ones. But I was sort of looking for something nice to eat (“SO”) but it had to be low-fat and sugarless and, sure enough, there was some — well I’ll tell you what it’s called. Angel food cupcakes. Even though now I’m feeling more like ice cream than cupcakes. But you can tell I’m not one of these people who’s into denial of — I don’t think (“ICE”) (by) fasting or prayer you become closer to God. I think it’s a combination of research and revelation, you might say.

( . . . )

Q: I see at the museum near where I live they have a Hawaii exhibit that says, “Aloha Spirit” — “Hawaii’s Influence On The California lifestyle.” Oh my God, there’s an ambulance coming from somewhere and I don’t know what direction it’s coming from. That’s scary. So the lady in front of me just stopped even though it’s green so we’re stuck in the middle of the street. How dangerous. People don’t know what they’re doing.

( . . . )

Q: They’re (the ambulance is) right behind me. If she had just gone like she was supposed to, we wouldn’t be in the way. This is so embarrassing. Well they turned off their alarm so I don’t know what is going on.

( . . . )

(blank portion of tape — technical difficulties during a journal portion)

Q: . . . in terms of my relationship with Mighael — a very loving relationship and, hopefully, this relationship can exist between everyone and their Angel and their God. I don’t know. It doesn’t rule out that there’s still a soulmate for me. Not necessarily in this lifetime but I do want the nurturing of another soulmate — the intimacy and nurturing, which is what I have now so I don’t really need it with another human. I have that now with my Angel but I just think it would be centering for me — grounding for me (“TO KNOW JUST”) what my prominence or my position with God and with Mighael. And, please, I don’t need to go to a channeler to figure that out. I kind of sense that it is something profound and wonderful. I do have hopes and dreams. Sometimes I have dark thoughts and Mighael does find ways of addressing my dark thoughts to let me know He’s discouraged by my inability to put them behind me altogether but I just — I don’t know. I do know. Basically, I can’t imagine — some days I think I am deserving. It’s just (“I E”) how do you judge someone? God knows all of our secrets in our heart and our feelings and our capacity for love. (“I”) I just don’t know — I just would like more — (“OLLY”) who wouldn’t? Everyone wants to know more and more and more and more, never satisfied. For example, one of the things I heard on a radio show was that God has to be honest all the time. One of the spirit messages was “I LIE,” of course. I wasn’t surprised. I would think that God would have — there’s either the sin of omission or why be honest? Honesty is not always the best way of handling something because the honest truth can be terrible and not as interesting as fantasy. (“OR”) And what is fantasy? With God everything is possible. So, anyway, it’s a very difficult dilemma. I have my hopes and dreams. I just wish I could make sure that I wasn’t focusing them in the wrong direction. (“BECAUSE”) There are enough other directions they could go in. So we’ll see if Mighael answers this. Somehow. Through books I may read or people that may tell me things or speakers at the PRS or what-have-you. I don’t feel any less close to Mighael having said these things.

( . . . )

Q: I always feel more close to Mighael whenever I can bare what’s in my heart. I can say the most horrible, scary questions and ill thoughts (“EVEN”) if I really feel them at the moment. Right now I don’t feel them at the moment. But I do tantalize myself with prospects — God knows there are enough here for a lot of people to puzzle over and try to make sense of. Even in those moments when Mighael expresses to me in some way His boredom or His distress or His dissatisfaction, that pleases me as well because I do feel a rapport and I do feel it is an ephemeral (“MOOD”) like my own. I just think it’s wonderful (“HOW” “ABOUT”) how ‘neat’ everything is in terms of — well I think that — those two speeches (“BY”) on the sovereignty of man is an interesting discourse (“IT EVEN TAKES”) touching a lot of subjects I’ve been thinking about recently in terms of contradictions and things that can’t be known.

( . . . )

Q: I just know that I feel full of love at the moment, excitement over what’s going to happen next, and the usual dismay over the corporate structure, the political structure, the prominent people with power, the quest for personal power, the ignoring of religious thought in all the traditions due to self-interest. (“I MEAN”) These principles are all very clear to me and the lessons around them as addressed in those two lectures are interesting to think about.

( . . . )

Q: UFOs are a big puzzle, aren’t they? They are at the epitome of the superstitions of the time at the moment.

( . . . )

Q: I’m currently reading The Four Dimensions of Paradise by Rabbi Samuel Penner at the gym. Of course, he died while writing this and some of it I find near the basis of what’s wrong with some of Jewish thought and yet other of his work is profoundly clear. And Sheba’s work in terms of choosing the quotes is a definite attribute of the work. So I think this book very much illustrates the best and worst of religious scholarship. The major bit of business the book has offered so far — I’ve only read the first sixty-eight pages — but it just shows the fact that every religion says the same thing is a point that most people don’t understand. He does a very good job of stating what’s wrong with most religions. On page forty-two, it says:

Some 18 centuries ago, the Jewish tradition advanced the idea that people need not disown their own native religious heritage in order to achieve salvation, that all persons of whatever faith or no faith, who live ethically and practice justice and compassion, are eligible for eternal redemption.

That stands out in bold relief against the claim of many sectarian religions even in modern times that there is no salvation outside their church, a claim beset with two disturbing problems. The first is a problem of spiritual imperialism which arrogates for itself an exclusive monopoly on eternal redemption and finds it necessary, therefore, to maintain a worldwide effort to wean people away from their ancestral traditions. The second is an incredible, moral denigration of the God concept inherent in such ecclesiastical imperialism. How can a compassionate Creator deny salvation to any of His children on grounds of accidental birth into a particular community? Not religious imperialism but only thorough going spiritual democracy is compatible logically and ethically with faith in a merciful God.

Q: And so what Sheba did so profoundly to even drive this message home is she selected different passages from different religions to show that they all deliver “the golden rule” and what my friend Cheryl communicated in her new religion.

The essence of the intent in major religions appears to be the same, although they are verbalized differently.

THE GOLDEN RULE

Judaism: What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowmen. That is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary. Talmud Shabbat, 31a

Christianity: All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew, 7, 12

Brahmanism: This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you. Mahabharata, 5, 1517

Confucianism: Surely it is the maxim of loving kindness: Do not unto others that you would not have them unto you. Analects, 15, 23

Taoism: Reward your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss. T’ai Shang Kan Ying P’ien

Zoroastrianism: That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself. Dadistan-i-dinik, 94, 5

Islám: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. Sunnah

Q: So here you have the same message and yet in each of these communities you find this golden rule implicit in the commandment and yet the commandments are violated everywhere. I don’t think God planned on the law of self-interest. I think that was a human creation. And that I think is the most perplexing, disturbing facet of the human condition. And that is the basis for the human pageant and our evolution in this pageant.

( . . . )

Q: I’m not sure why — it seems important to point out that: (from the chapter “Affirming Life” from Penner’s book)

The Eleusinian mysteries — Pythagoreanism, Cynicism, (“NUT”) NeoPythagoreanism, Neoplatonism, Mythraism and the Gnostic mystical theosophies in the first centuries of the common era all shared in that weltanshauung, the world outlook of asceticism, which Christianity inherited in its earliest development.

The New Testament abounds in condemnation of the flesh, the material pleasures of physical life. . . . The inexorable consequence of that crucifixion of the flesh was the idealization of celibacy . . . The life of poverty and suffering was extolled in early Christian doctrine. . . . The salvational style of ascetic mortification gave rise in medieval Christendom to hermitages, monasteries, nunneries, and to congeries of religious orders, itinerant beggars, saints living in caves and deserts; Stylites living on solitary mountaintops and pillars, Dendrites inhabiting trees; Catenati living in heavy chains; Hebdomadarii taking food only once a week . . . and Flagellants seeking penance by whiplash.

By no means was the penitential value of self-denial and suffering limited to the saints, but commended to all the faithful. . . . On the other hand, “And the Lord saw that it was good. . . . And the Lord saw that all He had done and beheld it was very good.”

Q: So we have a very big contradiction here. . . . (technical difficulties) . . . by just talking about (some of) the chapter titles. I think that somehow that communicates God’s word better than the struggle to find meaning in religious records with all the individual perspectives that have guided it over the years. I mean this isn’t the word of God, this is the word of individuals hoping to influence others. So:

Affirming Life

Sanctifying Life

Appreciating and Enjoying Life

A Lifestyle of Spiritual Democracy

A Lifestyle of Learning

A Lifestyle of Family Celebration

Reciprocal Communications With God

Toward A Philosophy of Life

On Self-Fulfillment and Social Renewal

Q: It’s important to look at the balance. (“AND THAT”) The joy of life is there for us and yet it’s there for us not in the illusions of a corrupt society but in communion with God.

( . . . )

Q: Somehow it seems like it’s valuable to add what I heard on Dr. Laura’s show today. She became very upset by a man who was calling about living with a woman and her young child was acting hostile toward him. And it turned out that they weren’t even engaged — that he was living with the woman and her son. And, of course, Dr. Laura said he should move out and it wasn’t right for him to be there. And she even said, “I bet the woman is very needy from an emotional point of view. She’s the taker and you’re the giver.” And (“SHE SAID”) she is the taker — that’s why the first relationship didn’t work out. This is my paraphrasing, of course. And he said, “Oh no.” He disagreed. (“IN”) The reason why her first relationship broke up was because her husband didn’t appreciate her was pretty much what he said so I was just thinking, “Dr. Laura’s right on.” For a woman to reject her commitment because she doesn’t feel like she’s getting enough tells you more about her than just about anything else. And the fact that she would bring the man into her home that isn’t married to her tells you, again, what’s going on here. And, of course, the same pattern should apply. As soon as there’s any kind of problem, ‘reject the reality for the fantasy’ — another man who doesn’t have the problems and yet it just compounds the problems. (“LIKE”) One of the things that Fiona told me when my recorder wasn’t on — how she’d (“BEEN” or “BEN”) heard about or read about the fact that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas couldn’t trust one another. Whenever either one of them had a movie, the other one would always be there to keep watch over the other one — I mean how they got together in the first place was cheating on their mates. And now there is no trust there. There is no trust to build upon. How could there be trust?

( . . . )

Q: So I think it’s becoming crystal clear that my message is to be true to your heart if you can discern what is inside it — not to base your life on how you see others living their lives or what you think what society approves of because (“MEAN LOOK”) the institution of marriage. How many happy marriages are there? Gay people aren’t happy because they’re not considered in the mainstream. That poses as many problems — (“AS”) their sexual preference to begin with (in a defensive ‘heterosexual’ society). So don’t let society determine what’s in your heart — (“LOOK”) in your own heart and discern what’s inside it.

( . . . )

(“I MEAN”)

Q: There’s a new movie out I was reading about that interviews men who have attacked gays and in each case they’re homosexuality was part of it — their frustrated homosexuality. I mean it’s insane reading the comments. One of them was half black and half white and apparently he was upset (“THAT”) it was hard for him to find the white partners he wanted. And it just sounded insane to me because I’ve known so many white people who’ve always preferred black partners. It’s like for some reason people always are looking for something — the negative part rather than looking for the valuable part. You just can’t tell me that race plays a factor in rejection. Not in L.A. anyway. It just seems to me that when people don’t feel that their lovelife is satisfactory — maybe that’s not really the problem in the first place. Maybe — (“THERE’S A REA” “LIKE FOR”) in my example, I’ve always tried to meet people and there have been occasional people that I was attracted by and it never worked out for whatever reason. So maybe that’s really not what I was looking for. (“BUT YET”) By society’s standard, that’s the most important thing is finding not a soulmate but just a status symbol — a relationship to be in to show you’re worthwhile. It’s like having a nice house, a new car. Status symbols. Materialism. One of my miscalculations was, I think, what I was talking about before — the glorification of people who had nothing. I thought that this was my destiny simply because that seemed to be the state closest to God and I rebelled and I was angry. So now, of course, I’ve seen that God has always provided for me even though I’ve always tried not to take too much for myself which could offset the balance. That’s just something instinctual. So, so far it’s been fine. I’m probably still a little bit too safe. (“OR”) I’m just being careful with how I spend money, which is something I was doing even when I had a lot of it. Sound familiar? (“THAT’S ENOUGH”) For tonight I’m purposely avoiding quoting some of the sources because I just think that being general is better at this point. Right now what makes my joy ever growing is the feeling that there are new things to discover about God. Even His fury. Even if it’s my annihilation in anger — (“OR”) not even in that. I mean just the story — discovering how much — (“I MEAN”) what happens speaks for itself. I mean you can interpret it. It’s obvious what is of God and what is not of God. So it’s interesting to see how much control there is. It’s just interesting. I mean I have seen so many different things and had so many different messages. It’s such an interesting struggle. And, always, it seemed like when I was the most hostile and upset, that’s what I encountered in the outside world. So in my imagination all of these confrontations are enthralling. Even the negative ones. In my (“EXALTED”) opinion of God, I can see how my own annihilation could be to His glory. Oh yes I’ve slammed the door on God’s face occasionally, meaning it in every fibre of my being and yet in a secret place within I didn’t mean it. I was just testing in return, I think, to find out what it is I love. And I do feel the more I find out, the more I love and yet this naturally makes me feel caution. I know (how) easy — I’ve come close to death so many times. Now when I think about Alhambra I see it almost as a good thing — a caricature of the process that has followed. Not that I didn’t want to experience (that) and yet the entire process has given me profound appreciation for every facet of existence.

( . . . )

Q: In all the weaknesses I’ve experienced, the blaming of God — I keep seeing — like in this book. And I immediately when I recognize it, I know it’s not God. (“IT’S”) People’s lack of consciousness and realization. They don’t understand how the good in life can be of God and the bad in life can be of man — the way I have been able to discern. And yet even the bad is closely linked with God. (“SO IT’S”) Again, it’s too hard to explain. (“BUT JUST DON’T”) Be careful not to blame God. Even though He is to blame — it’s so bizarre. But with God — (“JUT”) the people — if they knew where God lived, they would break a window in His house. What are they upset about? Is it because they don’t have the expensive brand of running shoes? Because they got caught stealing candy at the liquor store? I mean what are they angry about? They don’t get angry at the greed they see all around them. They blame God for that when every message of every religion is it is better to give than to receive?

( . . . )

Q: There’s no common sense in people when it comes to God. For example, when I posted my message on the bulletin board, (“I LOOKED”) I printed it out to keep in the file and I realized there’d been a message left from “God.” I don’t know if it’s someone pretending or if it really was God but someone apparently had said — (“TO GIVE”) a question: “Does God exist?” God answered, “YES, I DO. WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT? OF COURSE, I EXIST.” People just take for granted that it’s someone being ironic. Who am I to say any of these things? I just want to pose my perception because it’s not one that is (being heard in) the mainstream. Everything in the mainstream is debased from my perspective.

( . . . )

Q: People have blind spots. I don’t think my blind spots are as pronounced as other’s people after my experience. That’s the most I can say for myself. Or the least, depending on how you look at it. I just think it’s wonderful that people can have this kind of honesty from one source. That’s the one thing I am, isn’t it? Even God necessarily isn’t. I have always tried to be honest even when . . . (technical difficulties)

(TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: IT IS DISHEARTENING TO TRANSCRIBE THESE PORTIONS WHERE I’M PREOCCUPIED WITH MYSELF. THEY MIGHT BE CONSIDERED AS THE SATANIC METAPHOR PORTIONS OF THIS BOOK.)

Q: . . . but certainly that was my intention. Honesty too is an illusion, after all. How do we separate our emotions and desires from — there is no truth. There’s only desires and rationalizations. The big difference I think that my book makes possible is the very knowledge of God because people get away with murder and their motivation must be they don’t believe there is a God. So they’re destitute emotionally. They think with death comes the end so why not do anything you goddamn want. So that’s simple mercy — letting people know there can be — there is more than what meets the eye in this life is the most loving thing God could do and yet even that for it to be of value there had to be what went before. Of course, this is conjecture.

( . . . )

Q: But before I go have dinner, I’ll share with you my darkest thought which I don’t even believe. (“SOMETIMES” “WHEN MY”) In my most irrational moments when I look for some (“LIKE”) kind of punishment for no reason at all like when I feel like, “Oh my goodness I’m taking too much. It’s not right to have ice cream and spend money on candied nuts or something.” And so I find a way to say, “What could be going on? This isn’t right. Jesus should be homeless.” (“SO”) This is what I tell myself, “Well, maybe, there are so many weirdos in the world and they’re all saying the same thing I’m saying — (“TO”) less and more extent.” I mean today I found a website that was ‘The Angel Michael! The Angel Michael!’ and I didn’t (“RE”) realize at first that this was the website for Elizabeth Claire Prophet. So that sort of made me think twice. And then we have someone channeling some other angel called Immanuel, which is also another word for the Messiah, making local appearances. There’s an ad in the paper. And I just think there are so many false Christs. Am I, myself, in danger of becoming one of them if I don’t tell the truth and if I’m not loving? I’m always trying to be honest and loving. (“AND I KNOW” “I’M UN”) I’m uncertain about sin—my sins—even though we know what good and evil is innately. So my darkest thought even though — I mean I’m really certain that the significance for me meeting the homeless man that time was that he really was either the reincarnation of Jesus or close to the energy of Jesus for our time and that I really am a christ(ed) figure for our time and yet (“IT’S HARD TO SAY”) other people believe that of themselves. (“OR”) It’s an impression that others have of other people. So this is all beyond me. So my worst nightmare, which is only momentary anxiety, is that I’m just another of the deluded. If they are deluded. Or maybe they’re just metaphors of the same thing. (“BUT IT”) Shocks me to think that I could be just another one of them and the truth will manifest itself in some other form. And that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Could I be evil when everything I attempt to do is good? And, of course, how others perceive me I have no control over. I mean it’s very dangerous. Mabus the antichrist. The messiah. Jesus. I mean, my God, the claims!? But yet I’ve laid my story out so people can see exactly how I came to these impressions. And there’s no hate in my heart. I don’t think. (“HE’LL DO”) Well sometimes there is, I guess. But I don’t think that’s a crime. I think passion and hate and love are all profound emotions.

( . . . )

Q: None of this makes sense, I don’t think. I mean I just think that I’m just as mortified as you are that any human being would make any kind of claim in this area and yet to do so is because I’m motivated by my perceptions of God. I mean, hell, I’ve had the burning bushes. I’ve had a life of giving to others even though I didn’t seem to realize it. I do have a tremendous capacity for love. And I do fear God. (“YES”) And I love Him. I mean this all seems to be the right combination. Plus my imagination. Plus where I am all the time. Where I’ve been directed. The Philosophical Research Society. My interests. Everything.

( . . . )

Q: I am in some ways alienated to people and I express hostility toward them and, of course, those same people I’ll usually meet right away when I’m in a better mood. I mean there’s just so much going on in my life. It hurts me not to be perfect making such claims and yet I am at peace with such an odd predicament. And I do find ways of having fun. And I know (“THAT”) there is no truth that can be ever certain. I just choose love. My goals are to try to be led to achieve whatever objective God has. I wouldn’t want to go to the UCLA book festival tomorrow but I’m going. I saw someone at the gym with a UCLA T-shirt. Even though I was planning to go before then. (“IT’S JUST” “LAU”) I just know I’m meant to go. I feel like Burgess Meredith in “The Day of the Locust” selling his health tonic door to door. That’s how I feel going to the book festival tomorrow and yet I’ll do it.

( . . . )

Q: Those channeled messages in my book are something else, aren’t they? The implications (“ARE”) can be quite intriguing in term of forgiveness.

( . . . )

Q: So on the surface of my story you have what seems like failure, hardship, debasement, lack of respect, etc. And yet in my life I just know joy and love increasing with greater certainty. If that isn’t frightening — (“CAUSE THEN”) because I have more to lose with each passing day. And how would one lose this?

( . . . )

Q: So I”m just thinking of people. (“AND”) The more tantalizing, the more evil someone seems — the more humorous God must regard them. And isn’t that part of love? And anything can be worked through, perhaps. (“UNLESS”) There are some sins that are unpardonable and God only knows what those ones are. So I just hope that people reading my book will be led to their own insights and their own truths — and find in their relationship with God where they need to be to achieve grace. What a stupid word. Not grace — to achieve self-love? No, hell, even I don’t have that. To achieve a feeling of harmony with God, bringing us back to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The golden rule. I guess “the golden” is a bad choice of words. The rule.

( . . . )

Q: So reading my book you have a chance to make up for whatever failures of the past. You can say, “Oh my God, I’ve really blown it but now I have the opportunity to do, to work, to achieve those things that I can appreciate in a universe with a God. Forgive me. I didn’t know You were there. That might explain what I’ve done or maybe there are other explanations but from now on I’m doing the best I can do in harmony with Love, with the truth since society isn’t the truth. Love and God is. That’s where I’m coming from now. Let’s see what I can do with this new circumstance. Maybe I can forgive myself for what I’ve done before this knowledge.

( . . . )

(“SO”)

Q: In my soul, I feel as if the eternal battle between good and evil occurred and finished in the very moment that I experienced the realization of God and my emotional response was one of complete acceptance, love and joy; and not any other alternative. That’s my impression. And as that sinks in, my capacity for a greater lover and joy expands as the miracles and revelations grow. Of course, now in retrospect, how I first felt everyday was like Christmas — and then it became every day was like the crucifixion, out of dread of the significance and now it’s become more than Christmas at every moment. (“QUICK”) The usual rehearsals and momentary emotion of impatience and all the rest. Of course, to what all this is leading to, I have no idea. I would not want to have any idea. I would “not want.”

( . . . )

Q: So I’m getting ready for UCLA, (“GO”) going over the names one last time. I can’t find some of them but I just came across the explanation for the eye of God and they call it “an hourglass nebula around a dying star” and I just had to think to myself, “That sounds so much like God’s sense of humor” — (“SORT OF A”) mournful plea for love. So I just told Boo that He’s not a dying star. He’ll get all the love He needs. He’s just being a little impatient to get it. He’s not “a dying star.” Maybe making a comeback is all.

( . . . )

Q: By the way, my horoscope today said, “Individual who makes empty promises will be exposed, embarrassed. Insist on money upfront. Business transaction results in profit. Capricorn plays role.” (“SO”) What do you think happened? When I went out to lunch, the waitress didn’t come back quickly like she had promised and I told her so when she said, “Are you ready yet?” And I said, (“WELL”) “I’ve been ready for some time now” — very — just matter-of-factly. And I had a coupon for half off.